Throwing a party after getting a divorce might not be the first thing on your mind. Whether you’re moving on from a dysfunctional and toxic marriage or going through an amicable split, a divorce is one of the most challenging things a person can go through. However, it can also be one of the most liberating and exciting times of your life — a shift in your story worth celebrating. And you certainly aren’t the only one thinking of hosting this type of “alt bash.” According to Pinterest’s latest data, searches for “divorce party ideas” have spiked 55% in 2022.

So, once the divorce proceedings are over (and you’ve had a good cry… or two), throwing a divorce party could be a great way to turn over a fresh page in your new chapter. It’s also an opportunity for you to celebrate with your friends and family who supported you through thick and thin. But before you start sending out Evites, embrace the No. 1 divorce party ground rule: make it about you and not your ex. The most memorable and enjoyable marriage postmortems aren’t about throwing your ex under the bus but throwing an unforgettable soiree that celebrates your journey.

Now, onto the exciting part! Keep reading for all the inspiration you need to toast your new start.

01

Throw a Spa Day

You need serious self-care, and throwing a spa day celebration — whether it’s for a night or weekend — is the perfect self-pampering antidote to your recent stress. You can either go away to a spa with your best friends or invite mobile massage therapy and manicurists to your house and indulge at home. Serve your fave foods, wear your comfy robes, and sit back and relax. You can even treat your guests to gift bags filled with bath bombs and slippers.

02

Have a Sleepover

If you just want to chill with your best friends, throw a good old-fashioned slumber party complete with pizza, popcorn, and inspiring movies with strong, empowered female leads. Or, if you’re feeling strong enough for it, cue up some shows about divorce. Tap into your good-old-days nostalgia by playing fun board games and sharing your favorite celebrity (and maybe real life) crushes, like you did as a teen.

03

Host a Chic Cocktail Party

Time to get fancy! Throw a chic cocktail party and raise a glass to your freedom and new life! Wear a nice little black dress and ask your guests to wear their best duds. Serve up signature cocktails and mocktails — maybe even one named in honor of your divorce, like an Hasta La Vista Baby — alongside delicious nibbles.

04

Get Spiritual

If you’d prefer a more zen approach to your independence and would like to tap into your intuition and manifestation skills, you can opt for a spiritual party with your closest woo-woo friends. Create a vision board together to assemble all the big dreams and goals you’d like to achieve in your life post-divorce. You might also want to invite a tarot card reader to help guide and predict your future. Yoga poses and ecstatic dancing are great ways to release energy and more peacefully embody your best self.

05

Have a Non-Wedding

Are you a little kitschy and quirky when it comes to parties? If so, then throwing yourself a non-wedding might be your jam. This is an occasion for you to ditch your wedding dress in the most fantastic way — whether it’s in a bonfire or tearing it apart with the help of your friends and family. Serve a three-tiered non-wedding cake with a fun image (like making lemonade from lemons or ditching the ball and chain). Your guests can also gift you a non-wedding gift like lingerie.

06

Throw a Dance Party

Sometimes you just need to dance it out! Hire a professional DJ or a musician if you seriously want to go all out. Or you can curate your own playlist with empowering and inspiring ladies like Beyoncé, Kelly Clarkson, and Demi Lovato. Make sure to dress up like you’re going out with your best friends, even if you’re only busting a move in the kitchen.

07

Enjoy a Sweet Ending

If ever there’s a time to indulge the free spirit of your youth, it’s at a divorce party. The gist? A Willy Wonka-esque, candy-fueled bash for the ages. You can lean into retro favorites like gummy bears, Razzles, and Bit-O-Honeys, or you can just let your sweet tooth be your guide. Make sure you provide baggies for your guests so that your new beginning is extra sweet for them, too.

08

Visit an Escape Room

I mean, is this a little on-the-nose? Yes. But that’s what makes it so much fun! Check with your local escape room company to see how many guests you can bring along to help spring you. Then, send out Evites accordingly. If you don’t have an escape room nearby, try DIY’ing your own at home.

09

Perform a Cleansing Ritual

Even in the most amicable of splits, there’s bound to be a bit of negative energy. For this type of party, it’s probably best you only invite your closest friends and family — the people whose energy you feel aligns with the vibe you want in your future. Once you’ve decided who to ask, reach out to a local spiritual guru or indigenous healer to see if they offer cleansing rituals. They can help you properly and respectfully smudge your space with intention.

10

“Reverse” Wedding Traditions

You might need to back up and find your new direction before moving forward. So, how about starting by “reversing” a bunch of wedding traditions? This can be super light-hearted and hilarious. You can set up games where your guests have to face off in activities like untieing knots, jumping over a broom backward, racing to see who can blow out the unity candle first, and more. Oh, and dress code? Everyone wears black.

11

Pick Up the Pieces

This sounds sadder than it actually is. In fact, this divorce party idea makes picking up the pieces something everyone will want to get in on. Why? Because it’s a puzzle party! If you don’t want your guests to feel too much pressure, you can simply set up puzzles on high-top tables for everyone to work on at their leisure while you host a more typical cocktail party. But if your crew is down for it, you can amp up the intensity (and laughter) by having teams compete to see who can put the pieces back together fastest.

12

Get Out of Town

Ain’t no party like a three-day party, right? Gather your best travel buddies and take a mini-vacation. You’ve earned it, friend. You might even consider booking one of those “surprise location” trips that are oh-so-trendy — it’ll definitely establish a spirit of adventure for your next chapter.

Legal experts are seeing an increase in the demand for ‘pet-nups’, prenuptial pet agreements, as divorce cases can cost upwards of £7,000 to decide who gets to keep the dog

When a relationship breaks down, a couple have to decide who keeps the house, the car and the family pet.

For some ex-lovers, their dogs are like their children and it can be difficult coming to a mutual decision.

To save the stress, partners are now considering who would get custody of the pet in a divorce settlement before they are even married.

According to new research from Direct Line Pet Insurance, the last three years has seen a 20 per cent rise in demand for ‘pet-nups’, prenuptial agreements involving pets.

So if you’re thinking of falling in love and sharing a puppy, maybe you should consider making arrangements in advance.

Sign up to our TeamDogs newsletter for your weekly dose of dog news, pictures and stories.

Last year saw an estimated 101,500 divorces, with over a quarter involving the custody of a dog or cat.

In around half of these divorces, the pets were prioritised over property and cars, furniture, electrical items, household goods and jewellery.

On average, family lawyers are spending nearly 24 hours per divorce case discussing what will happen to the pet – which is the equivalent of three days work and upwards of £7,000.

Meaning if you don’t have a pet-nup, it could cost you a whole lot of money.

How does the court decide who keeps the dog?

In most cases, the court will always look into what is in the best interest of the pet, and they will also look at the primary caregiver.

Over two fifths of divorce lawyers listed payment of daily care as the key factor, while over a quarter said the person listed as the owner on relevant paperwork is important.

Other factors can include living situations and who will have a garden, and the court may take into account who has custody of the children.

If an animal was bought for the child, it will most likely have to stay with them.

What options do pet owners have?

Pet owners have several options to consider when deciding who gets to keep the pet.

Many will set up a financial agreement and others may commit to shared custody.

Some will take the difficult decision of giving up ownership to their ex-partner or family member, and then there are couples who decide to give up their pet.

One fifth of couples reportedly give their pet to a rescue shelter and 14 per cent sell their pet on.

Of extreme concern is the number of people who would consider having their pet put down, at 16 per cent.

How do divorces affect the pet?

While breakups are tough for all involved, the disruption can also impact animals.

Nearly half of pet owners who have experienced a breakup believe their pet’s health was negatively affected by the breakdown of the relationship, some even needing veterinary treatment as a result.

Madeline Pike, Veterinary Nurse for Direct Line Pet Insurance said: “As a nation of animal lovers, it’s not surprising so many people would fight for custody of their pets if they were to breakup with a partner.

“Any changes to ownership or to the pet’s address should be shared with the pet’s insurer so details are kept up to date.

“When deciding what happens to your pet when your relationship ends, we’d urge owners to consider what they think is best for the animal and cause them the least disruption.”

Do you have a dog story to sell? Email nia.dalton@reachplc.com.

Read More

Read More

My Biggest Setback is a micro-series that asks powerful women to look back at their career’s biggest setback and how they moved on from it to find professional and personal growth.

Theresia Gouw, a founding partner of Acrew Capital, an early-stage venture-capital firm focused on software and security technology, is one of the most successful VC investors in the country. Under Gouw’s leadership, Acrew manages over $1 billion in assets. Personally, Gouw is focused on diversifying the traditionally insular world of VC, creating a workforce that’s 85 percent women and BIPOC and 50 percent immigrant or first-generation employees. She also serves as a board member of DonorsChoose, a nonprofit that provides supplies to public-school classrooms, and One, a nonprofit dedicated to fighting poverty. Here, Gouw talks about taking time off from her job to deal with her personal life without knowing what her career would be like when she returned.

What was your career goal when you were starting out?

When I graduated from college, I didn’t even know what venture capital was. I applied to business school, and my career goal was to become a leader in product management at a big tech company because that was what I knew. It was really at Stanford — this was in the late ’90s, in the heart of Silicon Valley during the first internet wave — that I saw the world of technology start-ups. I realized you could be a product manager and be involved in technical innovation at small venture-backed tech companies, not just at huge global companies. After I graduated, I ended up joining a couple of classmates of mine who had just received $1 million in seed funding for their software start-up. That was where I first got to know more about what venture capital was. It was one of the venture capitalists on my board, in fact, who said, “Hey, instead of doing another start-up, have you ever thought about doing venture capital?” That’s how I ended up going to “the dark side,” as the entrepreneurs call it.

What was your biggest setback along the way? 
My biggest professional setback coincided with what I perceive to be my biggest personal failure, my divorce. At the time, I was at a larger VC firm. I’d been there for 15 years. I started out as an associate, and by that point, I was a managing partner. I had asked to take a sabbatical for a few months while going through my divorce because my kids were very young. They said they weren’t going to give me a sabbatical but that I could take what they called a “family leave.” At the time, I happened to be the only female partner there, which is still the case at two-thirds of venture firms. I thought, How come I have to take family leave when others have taken sabbaticals when they needed time with their families? It seemed condescending. Sabbatical was clear: You go away for three to six months, you come back, and everything’s the way it was when you left. Family leave was uncharted. Looking back, I wish I had been more vocal. This was before I felt more comfortable about speaking up about things that are … gender-tinted, shall we say? I took the family leave because my kids needed me, but it was super-scary for me. I didn’t know what I would be coming back to.

How did you deal with the setback? 

When I had my kids, I focused on them. I worked on being the best solo parent I could be, which was new for them and for me. It was a really challenging time, but I took the time as an opportunity to do a bunch of things I hadn’t done a lot of as a working mom. I took them to school every day. I packed their lunches and made their breakfasts, which probably sounds unremarkable, but if you knew me, you’d know I’m actually a terrible cook. I was fortunate. My kids were young enough that they loved the only three things I knew how to make. I volunteered to coach or be the team parent or chaperone for field trips. In terms of taking care of myself, when my kids were with their dad, that’s when I focused on me. I started doing things I used to do when I was younger. I started ice-skating again, which I used to do competitively when I was a kid. I’d take trips with friends and family.

Did you ever consider giving up? 

Definitely. It was the first time in my adult life that I wasn’t working full time, and it was also the first time I thought about leaving that venture firm. I’d been there for 15 years. I was very lucky. The fund grew a lot. Financially, I didn’t really need to work. At the same time, I knew I loved working. I loved being around tech founders and start-ups and hearing their ideas about new companies they wanted to start and build. On leave, I had some time away from the day-to-day of being a managing partner. It made me think differently about what I could do and still be doing the things I love, like venture capital and investing in tech start-ups, while still being a whole person and a present mom. So that was really the impetus for me leaving that firm and starting my own.

What advice would you give others who feel as if they’re going through something in their career they might not overcome? 

When you’re feeling today like you’re not where you thought you would be, that doesn’t mean you’re not going to get to where you want to be. Don’t be overwhelmed by where you are today. Think about what you want to do next, and there’s always a path and a way to make that change. If part of that is taking a bet on yourself — taking your own money and starting your own business, your own fund, or leaving a place where you feel stuck — it seems risky, but what I’ve learned is that taking a calculated risk on yourself is probably the least risky thing you can do. Ultimately, we’re betting on people. What person do you know better?

Many divorcing spouses worry about the possibility of their spouse selling assets during a divorce and leaving little or nothing to be divided. It can be particularly problematic if a spouse was financially controlling or secretive, or handled all the finances during the marriage with the other having a limited idea of the full financial picture. One could sell assets that the other doesn’t even know exists. Or, a spouse might transfer money or property to a family member to try to prevent it from being accessed by the other spouse, anticipating that the family member will transfer it back after the divorce is final.

But will the Court really allow a spouse to cause financial harm to the other by allowing assets to be sold or transferred in this way? Probably not, due to Supplemental Probate and Family Court Rule 411. This is sometimes referred to as the “Automatic Restraining Order” or “Rule 411.”

This article will discuss how Rule 411 works, and what Rule 411 does (and does not do) to protect marital assets for equitable division during the divorce process.

Rule 411 Goes Into Effect When a Complaint Is Filed or Served

Once the spouse who files for divorce (the Plaintiff) has filed, they are prohibited from selling assets (among other restrictions). Rule 411 goes into effect for the Defendant spouse once they are served with the complaint for divorce. A copy of Rule 411 is issued by the Court with the summons and is required to be served with the complaint for divorce so that the Defendant is aware that they are prohibited from selling assets once a constable serves them with the complaint for divorce and summons issued by the Court, or once they sign the summons in front of a notary.

Rule 411 Prohibits More Than Simply Selling Assets

Both parties are also prohibited from transferring, encumbering, concealing, assigning, removing, or “in any way dispos[ing] of” assets. For practical purposes, this means that divorcing spouses can’t take other steps to divest themselves of assets, such as: gifting assets to a family member, obtaining loans for which property is provided as security such as a mortgage or auto loan, or assigning an interest in property to a third party.

Rule 411 Applies to Real and Personal Property

Real property includes each and every piece of real estate in which you have any interest: your house, your vacation home, your rental real estate, and your timeshare. Personal property can be tangible (such as a car) and intangible (such as a bank account).

In broad strokes, “personal property” means all types of property you might own that are not real property: your bank, retirement and investment accounts, your stock options, your deferred compensation, promissory notes you hold, your business interests, your life insurance policies, your annuity, your car, your boat, your snowblower, your RV, your jewelry, your artwork, your tools, your antiques, your furniture, your livestock, your stamp collection, your pets, and any other assets you own.

For practical purposes, Rule 411 applies to everything you own.

There Are Exceptions To Rule 411

As Rule 411 means that you can’t sell, transfer or dispose of any assets you own, you may wonder how you and your family are going to pay your expenses during divorce proceedings. It is important to note that there are exceptions, including an exception permitting the use of assets to pay for reasonable living expenses.

• You Can Sell/Transfer/Encumber Assets As Required for Reasonable Expenses of Living. This means that, if you have to borrow from your 401(k) in order to make your mortgage payments, you can do so. You can also sell assets and use the proceeds to pay other reasonable living expenses.However, “reasonable” is a subjective term. So, if you sell assets to pay living expenses, and your spouse decides to argue your expenditures were “unreasonable,” the judge would have to decide what “reasonable” and “unreasonable” mean in the context of the typical living expenses during your marriage.

  If you’re selling or borrowing assets in order to maintain the status quo as far as the amounts and types of expenses that were paid before you or your spouse filed for divorce, you’re probably not violating Rule 411.

• You Can Sell/Transfer/Encumber Assets in the Ordinary and Usual Course of Business. Rule 411 permits selling, transferring and encumbering assets in the ordinary and usual course of business. So, if your business involves buying houses, rehabbing them, and selling them at a profit, it is probably fine for you to continue with those business activities after you file for divorce. You should consider consulting an experienced divorce attorney to ensure that your business activities are likely to meet this exception.
• You Can Sell/Transfer/Encumber Assets in the Ordinary and Usual Course of Investing. If you have a stock account and actively buy, sell and trade shares to earn money, it is probably fine to continue doing so after you file for divorce.
• You Can Sell/Transfer/Encumber Assets for Payment of Reasonable Attorney’s Fees and Costs in Connection With the Divorce Action. Rule 411 recognizes that you will need to be able to pay your attorneys to continue to have legal representation in your divorce, and that you may not be able to pay for them from your income alone. You are allowed to sell, transfer or encumber assets to pay your divorce-related legal fees.
• You Can Sell/Transfer/Encumber Assets if Your Spouse Agrees in Writing. If your spouse agrees to the sale or transfer of an asset in writing, Rule 411 permits you to proceed with the sale or transfer. The writing should probably be signed by you as well as your spouse, and ideally incorporated into a Court order. You should consider consulting an experienced divorce attorney to ensure that any sale or transfer of property with the agreement of your spouse is papered appropriately to ensure this exception will be met.
• You Can Sell/Transfer/Encumber Assets by Court Order. The Probate and Family Court always has the authority to permit a sale or transfer of an asset that would otherwise violate Rule 411. For example, if your car is totaled and you need to buy a new one, but your spouse won’t agree, you can always ask the Court to enter an order permitting you to do this. You should consult your divorce counsel to determine the best way of doing so.

Rule 411 Prohibits More than Selling, Transferring and Encumbering Assets

Until you are divorced by the Court, even if you’re separated, your spouse is still your spouse, and Rule 411 prohibits other actions that could harm a spouse while the divorce is pending.

• You Cannot Incur Debts That Burden Your Spouse’s Credit. After you or your spouse file for divorce, you are prohibited from incurring debts that burden the other spouse’s credit. This would include further borrowing against a credit line secured by your marital home, or unreasonably using credit cards or cash advances against credit or bank cards.
• You Cannot Change Beneficiaries on Life Insurance Policies and Retirement Accounts. Unless your spouse agrees in writing or the Court orders otherwise, you must maintain the status quo. This includes removing your spouse as a beneficiary and putting your children as beneficiaries instead. Similarly, you cannot change the beneficiaries on your retirement and pension plans and accounts.
• You Cannot Remove Your Spouse or Minor Children From Coverage Under Insurance Policies. After you or your spouse files for divorce, you cannot remove your spouse or children under eighteen from insurance coverage. This includes medical, dental, life, automobile, and disability insurance. You are also required to maintain all existing insurance coverage in full force and effect, which means that you should continue to pay all policy premiums.

Rule 411 Is No Longer Effective Once You’re Divorced

Once a judgment of divorce is issued by the Court, Rule 411 is no longer in effect, and you can sell, transfer, conceal, assign, remove or dispose of your assets however you’d like.

But What If We’re Separated and Planning To File a Joint Petition for Divorce?

Sometimes spouses decide to file a joint petition for divorce, working together to resolve all divorce-related issues, sign a written separation agreement, and file it jointly, requesting that it be incorporated into a Judgment of Divorce. Since neither spouse files a complaint, Rule 411 never applies, and neither of you is prohibited from selling or transferring assets.

If you have retained counsel or a mediator and are planning to divorce, but suspect that your spouse may be selling assets, you should consider filing a complaint for divorce right away to have the protection of Rule 411.

If You’re Anticipating Divorce, You Should Probably Refrain From Selling Assets, Even if Neither of You Has Filed for Divorce

Even though Rule 411 doesn’t technically apply if you’re mediating a divorce or otherwise trying to settle the divorce without Court intervention, you should probably act as though it does in case mediation is unsuccessful and either spouse decides to get the Court involved. Judges typically do not look favorably on selling or gifting assets or removing your spouse from your employer-provided life insurance when you are clearly contemplating divorce.

If you have any concerns your spouse might sell or conceal assets, or otherwise prevent assets from being included in your marital assets to be divided at the time of divorce, you should consult an experienced divorce attorney. Although Rule 411 is there to protect divorcing spouses, experienced counsel can ensure that you are able to fully benefit from that protection.

 

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve received lots of questions about divorce in the case of abuse. At least some of those questions most likely come from reports of a church disciplining a woman for leaving her allegedly abusive husband. In case you or someone you love is in that situation, let me start with my conclusion: You are not sinful for divorcing an abusive spouse or for remarrying after you do.

The reason this is even a question for people is because they know that the Bible says God hates divorce. In Scripture, marriage is a covenant—meant to embody a sign of the union between Christ and his church. Jesus spoke very strongly against divorce, even framing the law of Moses’ allowance of divorce as a temporary concession to hardheartedness, not as God’s plan for marriage (Matt. 5:31–32; Mark 10:2–12; Luke 16:18).

When a minister in a more traditional wedding service pronounces the couple married and says, “What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder,” this minister is citing the words of Jesus himself.

Even those in the church who rail at the outside world on issues that are unclear in Scripture often tend to mute themselves on divorce, where the Bible speaks emphatically. Usually this is just one more case of tribal culture-war identity politics: There are more divorced and remarried people inside our churches than there are people with other issues.

That’s all true. Even so, I believe the Bible treats the question of divorce in cases of abuse not as a matter of sin for the innocent spouse.

Some people, in the Roman Catholic communion for instance, hold that there is never any moral reason for divorce. Yet even then, the dispute is over whether any institution has the authority to pronounce the marriage dissolved. In that case, the dispute is not over whether a spouse should stay in an abusive situation.

I don’t know a single faithful Catholic priest or bishop who would say that a person should stay in an abusive environment. They would counsel in such situations a removal of the person (and his or her children) and, if the threat of abuse persisted, would keep them away from such a home, even if that meant for life.

As most of you know, I don’t hold to the view that divorce is, in every case, a sin. Along with most evangelical Protestants, I believe that there are some narrow instances in which the sin of a spouse dissolves the marriage covenant and that divorce is warranted in those cases. Almost everyone in this view would see unrepentant adultery as one of those exceptions. And most of us would see abandonment by a spouse as another.

The apostle Paul counseled new Christians in the first century that they were not obligated to leave their unbelieving spouses (1 Cor. 7:10–16). Those marriages were not unholy because of the spouse who worshiped some other god; they were made holy by the one who worshiped the living God.

While God has called us to pursue peace and reconciliation with all people, Paul wrote that in the case of a spouse who walked away, abandoning the marriage, the remaining spouse should “let it be so” and not consider himself or herself “bound,” strongly implying the freedom to remarry.

An abusive spouse, in fact, has abandoned the marriage. Abuse is much worse than abandonment, involving the use of something holy (marriage) for satanic ends. Abuse of a spouse or a child is exactly what God condemns everywhere in the Bible—the leveraging of power to hurt the vulnerable (Ps. 9:18; Isa. 3:14–15; Ezek. 18:12; Amos 2:7; Mark 9:42; etc.). While abuse is worse than abandonment, it is no less than abandonment.

If one spouse abandons the home, the Bible reveals, it is not the fault of the innocent party. And if a spouse makes the home a dangerous place for the other spouse (or their children), that is not the fault of the innocent party either. In those cases, divorce is not a sin but is, first of all, a recognition of what is already the case—that the one-flesh union covenant is dissolved—and the abused spouse should feel no condemnation at all in divorcing.

Suggesting that marital fidelity entails subjecting oneself or one’s children to abuse is akin to implying, based on the Romans 13 command to submit to the governing authorities, that Jesus was immoral for urging those in danger in Judea to “flee to the mountains” in the time of great tribulation (Matt. 24:15–19). God forbid.

According to a 2015 survey, the overwhelming majority of Protestant pastors would say that divorce in cases of domestic violence is morally legitimate. Yet I would go even further to contend that, in many cases, divorce not only is allowable, as it would be for adultery or other forms of abandonment, but is necessary to protect the abused person from further harm.

Both the church and the state have a role in making sure that the abuser does not bully the abused person, which often happens through the deprivation of income or housing. A divorce usually involves society’s acknowledging that the marriage is over, helping to divide resources, and providing some ongoing protection (often through restraining orders or police files) for those who have been abused.

If you’re a minister, you can almost guarantee that someone in your pews or in your immediate community is experiencing domestic violence. Sometimes the victim will have internalized the abusive rhetoric of the abuser and blame herself for bringing on the abuse to her or her children.

Sometimes the one being abused will believe that there is no other option but to stay, feeling trapped in the marriage. In the case of domestic violence, the church has a responsibility not only to alert the relevant civil authorities but also to bear the abuse sufferer’s burdens by arranging a safe place of refuge and meeting other needs.

The very least that one can expect from one’s church is not to be condemned as a sinner for escaping danger.

Recognize that abusers often weaponize spiritual language to cover the abuse. They might suggest that the abused spouses are “unforgiving” if they leave or that they would be sinning against Jesus if they were to pursue divorce—quoting out-of-context Bible verses all the while. As the steward of the oracles of God, the church has a mandate to call such misuse of the Scriptures what it is: a taking of the Lord’s name in vain, in one of the worst ways imaginable.

Divorce for domestic violence is not a sin. It’s about sin all right—but it’s the sin of the abuser, not the sin of the abused who decides to divorce. The abused in our churches and in our communities need to see us applying the Bible the right way, and they need to see us embodying the Jesus Christ who protects the vulnerable.

What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. Yes and amen. But sometimes Jesus also would have us recognize that man should not force together what God has put asunder.

Sometimes the path to divorce court is not a way to destruction but a road to Jericho. We should look to see who is beaten on the roadside and be for them who Jesus told us to be.

Russell Moore leads the Public Theology Project at Christianity Today.

 

 

 

 

Calls are growing for HM Courts & Tribunals Service to slash the £593 divorce fee given the process will be online and quicker under reforms coming into force next month.

A new digital service accommodating ‘no-fault’ provisions under the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act will be introduced on 6 April. The process is expected to be quicker – however, the £593 fee to file an application for a divorce will remain unchanged. 

Discussing the changes at a webinar hosted by co-parenting service Our Family Wizard, David Hodson, a member of the Law Society’s family law committee, said it was a ‘scandal’ that the fee has not been reduced. ‘That’s fine if a judge is going to spend time on it and there’s paper. For an online process, [it’s an] absolute scandal and should be reduced,’ he said.

The Gazette asked other family lawyers, who concur.

Emma Nash, a family partner at Fletcher Day, said: ‘£593 is a lot to pay to get divorced. For some people, it is prohibitively high. It is now even more difficult to see how this fee can be justified as the divorce process has moved online cutting down the work that needs to be done by court staff and judges to review and process the petitions.

‘When the [act] comes into force from 6 April the process will become even simpler as there will be no need to consider evidence of fault or separation and there will be no option for divorces to be defended. These changes should be reflected in a more appropriate, lower fee.’

David Lister, head of family law at Simpson Millar, said many court users consider the fee increase an unwelcome change in light of delays in the court system. ‘There is a shortage of judges, waiting times are growing and those families affected by rising costs of living will now be put under even more pressure when separating, just as no-fault divorce comes into place and the system is supposed to be making separation less stressful,’ he said.

Tony Roe, solicitor and family law arbitrator at Dexter Montague, raised a Freedom of Information request with HM Courts & Tribunals Service about the ‘true, underlying cost’ of the divorce process. ‘[HMCTS] failed to answer it, but it is thought that it is less than half the issue fee. The new process is simplified, and this should result in a cut in the court fee,’ he said.

The Ministry of Justice increased the application fee from £410 to £550 in 2016. It rose to £593 in 2021.

Peter Burgess, a partner at family boutique Burgess Mee Family Law, said the fee increases ‘have always felt like an arbitrary attempt to extract more from people going through a difficult period, and it is hard to see them coming back down again despite the welcome reform to the system to make it more streamlined and less acrimonious’.

Vanessa Friend, a partner at Hodge Jones & Allen, said the court system was chronically underfunded ‘and it is very unlikely that HMCTS could fill the gap in their budget left by a reduction in fees’. While the court fee will remain the same, ‘my hope is that clients will save money on legal fees as they will no longer be negotiating over the content of the petition’, she said.

However, Natalie Lester, a senior solicitor in the family team at Debenhams Ottoway, said she was not opposed to the recent court fee increase.

‘The divorce process has been online since 2019. During my practise in family law since 2010, I have seen a number of increases in the divorce court fee. Whilst there have been very significant delays with HM Revenue & Customs in relation to contested proceedings, the online divorce process for straightforward matters has become speedier, easier and more accessible to the public. Parties on a low income or those who receive certain benefits may be eligible to apply for a fee exemption which means they are exempt from all or part of the fee,’ she said.

The current divorce service will be switched off on 31 March.

If you plan for an uncontested divorce, you may have several questions about what is involved and what you need to do. One frequent question is: Do I need a divorce lawyer if we agree on everything?

In this article, we will explore what an uncontested divorce is, what you need to do to prepare for one, and whether or not you need a lawyer.

First, let’s define what an uncontested divorce is.

Uncontested Divorce – What Is It?

It is a type of divorce in which the two spouses reach a consensus on all of the terms and conditions before taking the issue to court.

This includes property division, child custody, and alimony (spousal support).

For a divorce to be considered uncontested, both spouses must completely agree on all the respects of the divorce.

If there is even one issue that the spouses disagree on, then the divorce is considered contested and will likely require the help of a lawyer.

What You Need To Do To Prepare For An Uncontested Divorce

To have an uncontested divorce, both spouses will need to do the following:

-Agree on all aspects of their separation

-Submit a signed settlement agreement to the court

-Complete and file all necessary divorce paperwork with the court

-Appear in court for a final hearing (in some states)

As you can see, an uncontested divorce is relatively straightforward. However, it is essential to note that even if you are contemplating uncontested divorce, it is always good to consult with a lawyer before proceeding.

This is because there are many important legal issues involved in a divorce, and it is best to make sure that you are fully informed of your rights and obligations.

Do I Need A Lawyer If My Spouse And I Agree On Everything?

Yes, you still need a divorce lawyer even if you agree on everything. This is because a lawyer can help protect your rights and interests and provide guidance on how to best proceed with the divorce.

A lawyer can also help to ensure that all of the necessary paperwork is correctly filed with the court and can represent you in court if necessary.

If considering an uncontested type of divorce, it is always advisable to speak with a lawyer to get more information about your specific situation.

Probably You Haven’t Agreed On “Everything”

In most cases where spouses think they have an uncontested divorce, at least one of them has left something out of the agreement. This can happen because it’s difficult to predict every possible thing that could happen during and after a divorce.

For example, if you and your spouse agree to share custody of your children but do not address what will happen if one of you wants to move out of state, you have not agreed on everything.

If this happens, it will likely require the help of a lawyer to resolve the issue.

Similarly, if you agree on how to divide your property but do not address what will happen if one of you dies before the divorce is final, you have not agreed on everything.

In these cases, a lawyer can help negotiate an agreement that will address these potential issues.

Even if you and your spouse agree on all you need to, it is wise to have a lawyer review your agreement to make sure that it is legally binding and will stand up in court.

Issues That You Should Agree On In An Uncontested Divorce

If you plan on having an uncontested divorce, there are specific issues that the two of you must agree on. These include:

Child Custody And Visitation

If you have children, you and your marriage partner must agree on who will have custody of the children and how visitation will be scheduled.

It is important to note that even if you and your spouse agree on custody and visitation, you will still need to have a court order issued by a judge to make it legally binding.

Property Division

You and your spouse will also need to concur on how to divide your property. This includes things like your house, car, bank accounts, and any other assets you may have.

It is important to note that the court will require you to divide your property equally between you and your spouse in some states. In other states, the court may allow you to keep all of your property acquired before the marriage or if it was inherited.

Alimony And Child Support

If you and your spouse have children, you will also need to agree on who will pay child support and how much alimony (if any) will be paid.

Again, even if you and your spouse do agree on these things, they will still need to be put into a legally binding agreement to be enforced.

Division Of Debts

You and your spouse will also need to agree on dividing any debts that you may have. This includes credit card bills, student loans, and car loans.

It is important to note that in most cases, the person who owes the debt is responsible for paying it back, even if it was acquired during the marriage.

Retirement Accounts

If you and your spouse have retirement accounts, you will need to agree on how they will be divided. This can be tricky, as there may be penalties for withdrawing money from a retirement account before age 59 ½.

You and your spouse should speak with a lawyer if you have any questions about dividing your retirement accounts.

The Marital Settlement Agreement

Once you and your spouse have agreed on all of the above issues, you must put it all into a legally binding agreement known as a marital settlement agreement.

This agreement will outline all of the terms of your divorce, including child custody, visitation, property division, alimony, child support, and the division of debts.

Even if you and your partner agree in all respects, it’s good to have a lawyer review your agreement to make sure that it is legally binding and will stand up in court.

If you are considering an uncontested divorce, it is essential to speak with a lawyer who can help ensure that you have agreed on every aspect. If you do not address all potential issues, you may end up in a contested divorce and pay more money in the long run.

The Bottom Line – Do I Need A Divorce Lawyer If We Agree On Everything?

While it is possible to have an uncontested divorce, it is essential to remember that you and your spouse must agree on everything. If you do not address every potential issue, you may find yourself in court fighting over things you thought were already resolved.

It is always a good idea to speak with a lawyer before finalizing your divorce, even if you agree on everything. A lawyer can help make sure that your agreement is legally binding and will stand up in court.

I’m in a relationship with a man who is separated from his wife but not divorced. He left her five years ago and says their marriage had been over long before that, but he decided to stay until his children left home. We are both in our 50s and his children are now young adults. I was divorced in my 40s and have no children.

We live separately. We’ve had a very happy relationship for several years, but there has always been the elephant in the room of his marriage and the block it presents to our planning a future together.

He has made some moves towards a divorce – contacting a solicitor and gathering information about his finances – but as far as I know, has done nothing beyond that.

It’s difficult for me to understand: my own divorce was done, start to finish, in six months. Of course his circumstances are more complicated, but he seems unable to face the emotional and financial consequences – particularly as his wife has never worked much, which was a source of conflict. I know this will be hard but procrastination will make it worse as they both get closer to retirement age, with fewer opportunities for him to rebuild his finances.

I hate the prospect of losing what has been the best relationship of my life but I can’t play second fiddle to his wife, legally if in no other way, indefinitely. Do I have to walk away?

Sign up to our Inside Saturday newsletter for an exclusive behind the scenes look at the making of the magazine’s biggest features, as well as a curated list of our weekly highlights.

You don’t have to walk away from “the best relationship in your life” without a great deal of thought. But it’s important to be honest with yourself: what is it you want and what are you afraid of? Sometimes in relationships the obvious problems – the “headlines” – are red herrings, and even if they are removed, the niggling feeling that things aren’t right remains.

So is him not getting divorced (which, don’t get me wrong, is a biggie!) a symptom of something else about him – his inability to put you first, perhaps – that you don’t like, or does it stand alone? I wonder what he, too, is afraid of?

I hear from divorce lawyers that it’s often men who separate but don’t get divorced, and it may be for myriad reasons – among them a sense of shame, which may come from childhood experiences. Maybe your partner promised never to “leave” his wife and, as long as he doesn’t sign those papers, in a way he won’t. He may fear abandoning her financially. It does sound, from what you say, that this is a sticking point. Or he could just be lazy; divorce can be a lot of paperwork. The situation may suit his ex, too.

I spoke to solicitor Gary Rycroft from Joseph A Jones & Co. He pointed out that from 6 April the law on divorce will change, with the abolishment of the need for blame to be apportioned to one party. Could this be a catalyst for your partner?

If that still doesn’t work, Rycroft suggested your partner and his ex could “tidy up” the legal side of their marriage by getting a “deed of separation”. This can be “totally bespoke” so they can put in it what they feel comfortable with. So they could say neither will make any claims against the other at this time, or they could start to outline a division of assets. I wonder if this might be a good dress rehearsal for him.

Consider going to couples counselling, too (psychotherapy.org.uk; cosrt.org.uk; bacp.co.uk). Some interesting things may come out with the safety net of a third person, and these may propel you both forward.

Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

Think your ex has a secret bitcoin stash? A legal expert explains how to hunt one down and the stiff penalties for hiding crypto (and other assets) in a divorce

By Toby Yerburgh For This Is Money

Published: 07:27, 25 March 2022 | Updated: 13:02, 25 March 2022

Some links in this article may be affiliate links. If you click on them we may earn a small commission. That helps us fund This Is Money, and keep it free to use. We do not write articles to promote products. We do not allow any commercial relationship to affect our editorial independence.

Going through a divorce can be hard on anyone, but for women business owners, the emotional toll can be particularly overwhelming. On top of the usual pressures of divorce—asset distribution, child custody negotiations, support determinations and the disruption caused by the divorce process itself—you may face the real possibility that you will have to share the company you put your heart and soul into with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.

If your spouse has helped you build the business, either directly holding a position there or supporting you at home as you worked on the business, then this may not be a point of contention for you; you want to make sure they share in the asset they helped create. However, if you have been carrying the bulk of responsibility for running the household and raising the kids in addition to building the business and generating household income, then the idea of having to share the value of your business can be a bitter pill to swallow.

Knowledge and preparation can help you achieve the most positive outcome from your divorce. These insights into what to expect and how to position yourself may help.

Your spouse may be entitled to more than you think. Some women feel a false sense of security believing that if their spouse isn’t a titled partner, then they won’t receive any distribution of the company’s assets. This isn’t necessarily true. While specifics likely depend on the state in which you live, in general, spouses may be awarded a distribution of assets related to the other’s business.

Ideally, this is something you have already addressed in a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement. These agreements can set forth:

• The value of the business at the time of marriage, protecting its premarital value as your separate property
• If/How your spouse would share in company profits or losses from the date of marriage
• The appraisal method to be used to value the business in the event of divorce
• The percentage of the value of the business your spouse would be entitled to in the event of divorce

If you do not have such an agreement in place, then the court will have to determine how much, if any, your spouse will receive. Be prepared with timelines and documentation of both financial and nonfinancial contributions to the growth of the business to support your argument for what is fair.

Preparation and the right mindset can help you hold your ground. While the depth and breadth of your nonfinancial contributions to your family’s lifestyle and well-being may be obvious to you, you will need to be able to demonstrate those to the court. Research is on your side, confirming that the gender gap in unpaid household and family care work continues. In fact, a recent report by Oxfam and the Institute for Women’s Policy Research quantifies this gap succinctly: According to the report, women spend an average of 5.7 hours a day performing home- and care-related tasks, while men spend 3.6 hours. If you experienced that gap in your marriage, be prepared to explain how.

In equitable distribution states (all states except Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin), this unpaid work and the value it brings to the family can impact the distribution of the assets, including the value of your business. Women can argue that the duties they fulfill beyond their financial responsibility of generating income should be taken into account as the court evaluates what proportion of the marital assets each spouse is entitled to retain post-divorce.

Custody negotiations don’t have to be difficult. One of the primary factors a judge looks at in determining custody arrangements is how available each parent is for the children. What they may see when evaluating your parenting role are the many demands you face in running a business. What you need to help them see is that owning that business gives you the flexibility to adapt your schedule so that you can be there for your kids when they need you—as you have been doing all along.

The previously held presumption of moms as the primary parent often led to unintentional bias against working moms, but not working dads. As the maternal presumption fades in favor of a presumption for more equal parenting time, these biases are fading too. Growing acceptance of work-from-home and flexible-schedule work models also helps working parents counter arguments that successful careers impeded involved parenting. Pandemic work environments gave rise to a new understanding of how professional and personal lives can mesh seamlessly. Evolving perspectives are likely to work in favor of mom business owners, bringing them onto a more even playing field in negotiations.

Your spouse’s employment at your company can trigger special considerations. Business owners who hire their spouses without putting safeguards into place, like paying them a market-appropriate salary, for example, may find themselves facing unfortunate repercussions in court. A nontitled spouse who has not been paid at market rate can argue for a larger share of the business. So can a spouse who alleges they were instrumental in the company’s growth. And, although getting a divorce doesn’t necessarily mean you must terminate your spouse, if you do, understand that you may be responsible for paying more support until they secure another (equivalent) position.

In these scenarios and others, financial negotiations can become messy and complex, turning what could have been a straightforward settlement into a contentious, drawn-out battle. Taking a pragmatic, business-based approach to having your spouse on staff is essential to smooth divorce negotiations.

Strategic analysis and planning can give you the advantage in divorce, especially when your business is involved. Be knowledgeable, prepared and confident, and consult with your advisers for additional insights.

Social media has grown to become an unavoidable aspect of our everyday lives to the point where it is nearly impossible to find one person among your family, friends, or peers at work that does not have some sort of social media presence. Social media has changed the way we do everything, from how we communicate with friends and family, to how we decide which products to purchase. Now, social media even affects the way we litigate divorce cases. According to Pew Research, in 2019, 72% of the public used some type of social media. With social media use being this prevalent in today’s world, the chances that one’s spouse is using some form of social media is quite high. A savvy divorce attorney will not miss the opportunity to utilize this powerful tool and present social media as evidence in support of their cases. In fact, according to the National Law Review:

• • 81% of divorce attorneys discover social media evidence that is worth presenting in Court
  • 66% of divorce cases use Facebook as one of the primary sources of evidence

In today’s world, social media is used for both professional and personal purposes, with many of us posting regular updates and messages on our pages without really considering the consequences. However, California courts regularly uphold evidence from social networking sites including Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, LinkedIn, and even online dating apps. Anything that is public and easily accessible is fair game. Even if a party’s social media is not public, it can be requested by the other side in discovery. California courts have held that social media is discoverable for three main reasons:

1. It does not violate any privacy, as there is no expectation of privacy.
2. It can be relevant.
3. It does not violate any privilege.

Ultimately, as long as the request can be argued to appear reasonably calculated to lead to the discovery of admissible evidence, such as hidden assets or information relevant to custody, the Court is likely to allow it.

• • It is critical for divorce attorneys today to be aware of and understand the ways in which social media can impact their cases. Here are some of the most common examples: Social media can be very useful for support issues, determining the marital standard of living, or even proving the existence of hidden assets when a party is boasting about expensive vacations, new vehicles, or other luxury items on their social media. A parent may have a hard time alleging that they cannot afford to pay spousal support when their Twitter account shows repeated complaints about the poor customer service at the Ferrari dealership.
  • Social media can have an impact on custody proceedings if one parent can show that the other is engaged in unsafe or inappropriate behavior around children. Evidence that a parent is frequently out late partying, excessively indulging in drugs or alcohol, or even getting a little sloppy at a social gathering where the children are present, can be incredibly damaging. It is worth noting, it doesn’t matter if the parent is exaggerating, joking, or even portraying a lifestyle that is not their own. Social media posts that demonstrate risky or irresponsible behavior could call into question a party’s parental fitness, and can negatively impact a custody case, even if the party is not directly engaging.
  • Social media can be instrumental in proving violations of restraining orders. Social media check-ins to restricted locations or contact with the other party through social media can be instrumental in proving a party violated a restraining order.
  • Social media can even be used to verify claims of infidelity. While California is a no-fault state and a spouse cannot be punished financially for infidelity, if a party can show that community funds were used during the course of the infidelity, then it becomes relevant. For example, if a party’s new girlfriend is posting about the fancy jewelry he bought her while away together on an expensive vacation, their soon to be ex-spouse could seek reimbursement of any community funds spent in the divorce. As you can see, a party doesn’t have to post the offending content themselves. Any content posted by friends, family members, etc., could serve as evidence.

It’s important that attorneys discuss the impact of social media and advise their clients to use social media responsibly. Getting those “likes” might feel good in the moment, but that client will be unhappy when those posts are read aloud in court. While most attorneys will not be successful in convincing their clients to go off the social media grid completely while their case is pending, the following are some practical pointers that could help litigants avoid giving their ex-spouse and their attorney any information that may be used against their interests:

• • Set all profiles to private whenever possible
  • Do not post anything personal, particularly about your divorce, children, finances or lifestyle
  • Unfollow your spouse and your spouse’s family, friends, or anyone who could show your posts to your spouse
  • Do not boast about promotions, bonuses or other work-related achievements
  • Do not disparage or say negative things about your spouse on social media
  • Do not post about your divorce before it is commonly known amongst your family, friends, and particularly children
  • Do not post pictures with your new partner or with your new partner and your children
  • Do not post pictures or other media that depicts you drinking, consuming illegal substances, or in any state of intoxication
  • Talk to friends and family about social media and kindly ask that they avoid posting anything about you online without your approval
  • Change all of your passwords if your spouse has access to any of your accounts or may know your password

For other suggestions or case specific advice, please consult with a qualified family law attorney to best protect yourself while navigating the divorce process. As I like to say, live like there’s no tomorrow, but post as if it may one day be read aloud in Court.

Changes to the divorce system in England and Wales for the first time in 50 years will remove the concept of fault and could speed up the process.

The Government said the changes would spare people the need to ‘play the blame game’ and would strip out the ‘needless antagonism this creates so families can better move on’.

Here, Which? takes a closer look at the changes and how they could impact your money.

1.  You no longer need a ‘fault’

Under current law, if you’re seeking divorce you need to give a reason why the marriage broke down and you can choose one of three reasons – adultery, unreasonable behaviour and desertion.

If you don’t want to give a reason, you can apply for a divorce if you’ve been separated for more than two years (if you both agree to the divorce) or if you’ve been separated for five (if one spouse contests it).

The new law will no longer require married couples or civil partnerships to establish one of these five facts and instead either or both parties can apply to the court for an order which dissolves the marriage on the ground that it has broken down irretrievably.

It means you can save money on needless legal arguments over who was at fault.

2. Couples can make a joint application

Couples can mutually cite ‘irretrievable breakdown’ as the sole ground for wanting a divorce – and this can be done as a joint statement.

The application can be made online and if made by one spouse, there will be no requirement for the respondent to defend or to cross apply for a divorce.

3. One spouse cannot contest the divorce

The new changes will also stop one partner contesting the divorce, dissolution or separation if the other wants one. The government said the ability to contest a divorce is currently used in less than 2% of cases.

This could help victims of domestic abuse as previously their abusers were able to exercise coercive control over them by stopping it.

Though it’s worth pointing out that under the new law, divorce can still be challenged on the basis of jurisdiction, the legal validity of the marriage, fraud or coercion and procedural compliance.

4. Divorce terms will change

The new law will update divorce language.

• ‘Decree Nisi’ will become ‘Conditional Order’. This is a document that says the court does not see any reason why you cannot divorce as it is satisfied you have met the legal and procedural requirements to get a divorce.
• ‘Decree Absolute’ will become ‘Final Order’ – this is the legal document that ends your marriage. You need to wait at least 43 days (six weeks and one day) after the date of the Decree Nisi before you can apply for decree absolute.
• ‘Petitioner’ – the person submitting the application, will become the ‘applicant’.

5. You will have to wait 20 weeks before an order

The new law introduces a minimum period of 20 weeks between the initial application and the Conditional Order.

This means a divorce will take at least six months or more to complete.

The Government said this would provide couples with a ‘meaningful period of reflection and the chance to reconsider’. Where divorce is inevitable, it says it will allow couples to cooperate and plan for the future.

The new law will keep the existing six week period between the Conditional Order and when the Final Order can be made.

6. Lawyers have welcomed the changes

Stephanie Boyce, president of The Law Society said: ‘’No fault’ divorce will cut unnecessary conflict from the separation process – allowing couples to move on amicably.

‘This divorce reform will bring our marriage laws into the 21st century and ensure that, in the future, separating couples and their children do not suffer unnecessary conflict.’.

Ross Phillips, a partner at Goughs Solicitors said the changes will bring finality and financial security to couples who had no option but to wait for two years to separate by consent as they will be able to divorce much quicker.

7. Application fees will remain the same

Divorce application fees were raised in September to £593, from £550. They are not due to change again when the new law comes into force.

However, The Law Society believes this fee is too high and discriminates against those less able to afford it. It says court fees should be reduced to reflect the fact that the new process will require less administration.

8. Financial settlements remain separate

Couples that divorce will still have to sort financial settlements in a separate and parallel process.

However, concerns have been raised that a more speedy divorce could lead to rushed financial settlements.

Former pensions minister Sir Steve Webb, a partner at LCP, and barrister Rhys Taylor argue that couples looking for a swift divorce may receive unfair shares of their partner’s pension.

They said: ‘One group currently at high risk of retirement poverty is divorced women. In large part this is because relatively little attention is often given at the time of divorce to a financial settlement which gives proper weight to pension wealth.’

Helen Morrissey from Hargreaves Lansdown added that one partner may be surprised by the divorce and not have enough time to consider their options.

She added: ‘Given pension values can amount to more than the value of the family home then this is concerning and could leave one partner, often the woman approaching retirement with inadequate pension provision.’

According to research by LCP, only around one third of divorces have any kind of financial order attached to them and not all of these will include pension orders.

In response, a spokesman from the Ministry of Justice said: ‘This is not a new problem and, in fact, our changes give couples more time to resolve their issues and greater chance of doing so amicably.

‘We have committed to further exploring financial provision, including pension sharing, once these changes are in force.’

9. You could have less time to get financial advice

The person applying for divorce must serve the application to their partner within 28 days from issuing.

However, if this person is not served until the 28th day, then they only have 16 weeks until a Conditional Order is made.

This could limit the time they have to get financial advice and they could end up being blindsided by the divorce.

The Law Society is campaigning for the notice period to start once the respondent receives the application, rather than from the start of proceedings (when the applicant applies for divorce).

You can also be served the papers by email, which could come as a shock. Mr Webb said although the new regulations discourage using a work email address to notify a spouse, it could still be used in some cases and work emails are not always private.

10. The old system will go offline on March 31

From 31 March you can no longer apply for a divorce using the current paper or digital system, or access a saved digital application which is yet to be issued by the court.

From  31 March to 5 April the digital service will not accept new applications.

From 6 April, the new paper and digital services will be available.

If you’re thinking of applying for a divorce it’s worth waiting a few weeks as this will not make much difference to the overall length of time the divorce takes. 

If you have an application saved on the current digital service and still want proceed, you’ll need to access your account and submit your application by 4pm on 31 March.

A divorced mum-of-two has married herself a year after splitting from her wife.

Entrepreneur Charlotte Zum Vörde Sive Vörding, from Voorburg in the Netherlands, got divorced in 2020.

After the two broke up, Charlotte founded female empowerment company Kamasense, which she says helped her come to grips with her own value, and prompted her decision to propose to herself.

‘I didn’t want to wait for someone to love me or be dependent on another human to be worthy,’ said Charlotte, 32.

‘I am already worthy. Worthy of love from myself and others, time, kindness, acceptance.

‘So with that empty finger where my former engagement ring had been for years staring at me, I decided to marry myself. A relationship that will definitely last until the end of my time.

‘It took about a year of working really hard on my self-worth and mental health before I realised that although my life had been focused on buying a house, getting married and having kids in order to be happy, if you truly accept yourself and value your time by yourself your goals change.

‘In a society where women’s worth is considered little, yet the standards we are held against are so high – we must be moms, good moms, but not helicopter moms, we must work but not too much but also have a carer but not leave our babies, we must be good wives but also have an opinion but not a strong one, we must be beautiful all the time but not too much makeup but not too little. It is impossible.

‘That is where marrying myself came in.’

Charlotte proposed to herself in July 2021 and was engaged for three months.

She wore a white gold engagement ring with three stones – one for herself, one for her daughter, six, and one for her son, also six.

She then held a wedding at her apartment in September 2021, which cost less than 400 euros (£333).

The flowers cost 50 euros (approx. £41), as did candles for the ceremony. Charlotte also bought a tiara for 50 euros, and her dress was a 180 euros (approx. £150) garment that she already had in her closet.

‘We had a reception, and they showered me in confetti,’ she said.

‘We drank delicious organic vegan prosecco, I made my own vegan wedding cake, we had food and drinks, and laughed so much.

‘I received some gorgeous gifts among which a precious art work of bronze of two breasts being held by two hands. As so to say, grab yourself by the breasts, you are strong.’

Eight guests attended, and Charlotte says that her family and friends were all supportive.

‘They were all instantly on board,’ she said.

‘They were so enthusiastic about it. All of them dressed up so wonderfully.

‘The ceremony was so lovely – it was small, with only my closest friends and my brothers.

‘They all read their favourite memory they have with me and what they wish for me in the future. Then I read my vows out loud and gave myself the ring.’

The vows she made to herself saw her promise to embrace her body and personality, to be faithful to herself, to keep trying new things even if they scare her, to remain independent of others, to forgive herself for her mistakes, and to love herself.

‘Wearing the ring is a daily reminder of that wonderful evening, but even more so, that I am allowed, can and will love myself no matter what happens,’ she said.

‘A reminder that I am strong and have overcome so many obstacles, that I will hold my boundaries and protect my peace.

‘I highly recommend it, either as a strong finish of a mental health journey or as a start but really embrace yourself, do not fake it, make sure you feel it.

‘My standards of a romantic partner are higher. I value myself and my time, and I will not let someone waste it for their entertainment.

‘I love being by myself now, so if someone wants to join my life, which I welcome, they do need to add to it in a positive way.’

Charlotte would like to marry someone else someday, but her marriage to herself will still last a lifetime.

She keeps her vows on her makeup drawer to remind her of that every day.

They read: ‘I vow to be faithful to myself, embrace my body and personality, regardless of other peoples wishes. I vow to keep trying new things even when it scares me, so I will keep having new experiences and grow. I vow to remain independent of others to maintain my self-worth.

‘I vow to allow myself to make mistakes and to forgive myself. I vow to love myself, in good and hard times, in sickness and in Health, because I now know that I am worthy and deserve this. Because I now feel how valuable my self-love is and have experienced that I can do this on my own, and I always have a choice.

‘Today I choose me. This ring is my daily reminder that I am allowed, can and will remain faithful to myself and my children.’

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk

MORE : Couple who fell in love on TikTok marry two weeks after meeting in person

MORE : Woman marries the same man again after losing nine stone

MORE : Married couple with 53-year age gap rake in the cash on OnlyFans

In 2020, wedding photographer Allie Siarto’s business saw a steep decline as COVID spread, weddings were downsized or canceled, and demand for her services dried up. In the midst of the downturn and pandemic, she decided to expand into an unexpected new niche: divorce photography.

Siarto, based in East Lansing, Michigan, about 100 miles northwest of Detroit, had a thriving wedding photography business she started in 2010, doing up to 50 weddings in good years. After COVID emerged in 2020, she shot only nine weddings that year, and most were in backyards for a few hours where you could only bill a fraction of what she was previously doing in fancy venues with many guests.

From Weddings to Headshots

The wedding photographer started to pivot to headshots and small business marketing/branding photography to recoup some lost revenue.

“When I started marketing personal branding photography, I noticed that some of my favorite clients were women who had recently been divorced,” Siarto tells PetaPixel. “They were reinventing themselves in their lives and careers, and hiring a professional photographer was one small part of that.

“I realized that it was an empowering experience for these women, and after being a wedding photographer for a decade, I thought it would be fun to just come right out with this divorce photography.”

Siarto, who used to run a market research company, initially promoted it in a local women’s networking group in her area, and many women found out about it through friends. She also had some women reach out because they worked with women going through a divorce. They loved the concept and wanted to help promote it.

Getting the New Business Rolling

The next step for Siarto was to set up a shoot with a friend and a few other women going through divorce in the community. She used that to start marketing the newfound concept. Many would message her on Instagram or email and just say, “Tell me more!”

The typical age group for divorce photography seekers is the 30s to 60s. It takes about 30 minutes to get a solid mix of photos in a few different outfits in the studio, but longer sessions are also available for those who want more.

Divorce photography is a relatively new spin-off launched in 2022 of Siarto’s personal branding photography. It’s still early, but it’s “gaining traction,” she says.

Siarto now gets many messages that say, “I saw you’re a divorce photographer. Tell me more. I’m going through a divorce.”

A Hand in the Whole Process

Siarto is involved in every step of making sure the client looks her best, from makeup through digital photo editing. Her divorce photography package includes guidance on hair, makeup, outfit styling, and the photo session itself. The makeup is simple and not over the top.

The shoot is done without the camera being tethered to a computer, and the client sees the photos only after they are edited.

“I use Photoshop for all of my retouching,” says the divorce photographer. “Beyond the basic cloning tool, I use the PhotoLight Pro Photoshop Retouching Pack for skin and The Sourcery Sauce for [extending/fixing] backgrounds.”

A Chance to Feel Great Again

Siarto says that these women talk about how divorce can be exhausting, and many of them aren’t taking any time to honor themselves throughout it all. The photo session gives them a chance to get their hair and makeup done and feel great. They then have photos to share on LinkedIn and personal social media.

The photographer says that one of her favorite things is seeing these women change their profile photos and get a ton of loving comments from friends and family telling them how great they look. It is confirmation that her work is making an impact in her clients’ lives.

---

About the author: Phil Mistry is a photographer and teacher based in Atlanta, GA. He started one of the first digital camera classes in New York City at The International Center of Photography in the 90s. He was the director and teacher for Sony/Popular Photography magazine’s Digital Days Workshops. You can reach him here.

---

Image credits: All photos supplied by Allie Siarto & Co. Photography and used with permission.

SINGAPORE – Allegations of family violence raised during a couple’s divorce will be viewed seriously and taken into consideration when the courts decide on child access matters, with counselling and supervised visitation orders being made in certain cases.

These are some of the existing measures which protect children in failing marriages that are likely to play a bigger role in proceedings amid recent changes to divorce laws and child access enforcement here.

New amendments to the Women’s Charter passed in Parliament in January included a raft of measures such as mandatory counselling, compensation for denied access and in extreme cases, a jail term and fine for parents who deny child access to the former spouse.

The amendments also include educating couples on parenting, mediation, therapeutic programmes or family support programmes.

The changes empower the court to better enforce child access orders.

A spokesman for the Ministry of Social and Family Development said that “paramount consideration” would be given to a child’s best interest when matters involved children.

“As the court assesses applications for enforcement of child access order, it does so with the intent to minimise acrimony, emphasise co-parenting and encourage relevant interventions that help families to heal,” she said.

This is in line with the Family Justice Court’s focus on therapeutic justice, which is a non-adversarial process that seeks to solve problems and help parents learn to manage their conflicts and engage in co-parenting.

This is in contrast to the traditional adversarial approach, where each party pursues his interests single-mindedly.

Ms Angelina Hing, managing director at Integro Law Chambers, said: “In extreme cases, where abuse is on the child, or if the child has witnessed violent abuse on the caregiver parent and is severely traumatised, the court may suspend all access to the abusive parent until such time when the child is ready for the access.

“This kind of order would have to be complemented by counselling orders and therapeutic interventions for the child and parents.”

In cases where the child is not ready to meet the access parent even in a supervised setting perhaps due to trauma from abuse, the court may make a counselling order to help the family work through the issue.

Where children require more support due to the trauma or abuse they have experienced, parents can approach the divorce support specialist agencies or restructured hospitals which provide specialised assessment and therapy support.

Lawyers ST spoke to said that while access enforcement would allow parents with genuine concerns to approach the court, there is nothing stopping parents who want to prolong the litigation process from filing applications.

Mr Ivan Cheong, partner at Withers KhattarWong, said: “Access enforcement is a key element that should not be dismissed as we have seen many access parents who are not able to exercise access in accordance with court orders simply because of roadblocks put in place by the parents with care and control.

“The court is however able to discern where there are genuine problems in place that stand in the way of access.”

 

 

Lawyers and family courts are expecting a surge in divorce applications next month when a new ‘no-fault’ law comes into effect, making it easier for couples to split. The government’s Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020, which comes into force on April 6, reforms the divorce process to fundamentally change the way the legal system processes divorces.

Many couples wishing to avoid blaming each other for the breakdown in their marriage have been waiting until the law comes into force, creating a spike in divorces, lawyers predict. Some partners may also find themselves the recipient of a surprise divorce petition, as the new rules allow for no-blame sole applications without contention.

Graeme Fraser, head of family department at OGR Stock Denton expects the divorce rate to rise across the capital. He said: “In the immediate term, we anticipate a spike in the volume of divorce applications due to the number of couples who have been waiting for the new divorce laws to come into force.

“Potentially the decision to divorce may also come as a bolt out of the blue for some, as no reason has to be provided for a sole application, although couples are encouraged to file joint applications as the new law is designed to reduce conflict.”

From April 6 there will no longer be a need to cite adultery, unreasonable behaviour or desertion as grounds for divorce or to establish a period of two or five years of separation. The new Act also removes the possibility of contesting the divorce, introduces an option for a joint application and simplifies the language used in the legal divorce process, for example changing ‘decree nisi’ to conditional order and ‘decree absolute’ to final order

The changes will apply to all divorces commenced after April 6. The minimum period between the start of a divorce and the granting of a conditional order will be six months. The new rules will also mean a fundamental change in the role of divorce solicitors. It is predicted that in many cases couples will no longer need to use lawyers.

Mr Fraser said: “Many couples will view the process as being a transactional one only, which removes the potential for hostility. It is anticipated that this may lead to the take up of non-court dispute options such as mediation, and an increased demand for a solicitor to act as a neutral facilitator for the couple rather than each spouse requiring a separate lawyer.”

After the initial surge in applications, the changes are not expected to lead to an increase in the overall number of couples divorcing as in other countries where no-fault divorce has been introduced, after an initial peak numbers remain the same.

Divorce is never a situation one hopes to experience. But sometimes it’s inevitable. Advancing the concept it developed — Emotionally Intelligent Divorce® — the team at Calabrese Budner skillfully guides clients through the tumult of emotions that accompanies the end of a marriage. From Collaborative Divorce to litigation, the key to getting to the best place possible on Divorce Day 2 is having legal representation that decisively pursues your goals as a client, as well as choosing the best process to get you there. Carla M. Calabrese of Calabrese Budner, arms readers with the five questions to ask your lawyer when in the initial stage of the divorce process.

What is the best divorce process for me?

With more than 20 years under her belt handing Collaborative Divorce cases and as a Master Credentialed Collaborative Divorce attorney, Calabrese firmly believes: “If you can enter into a collaborative process, it will be the optimal option to get you to the best possible place on Divorce Day 2.” In Texas, there are two divorce processes: Collaborative Divorce and traditional litigation. Collaborative Divorce is a highly customized process, empowering clients to make informed decisions with the support and guidance of a specially trained team of divorce professionals including built-in neutrals. The process is entirely private with no court hearings, no cross-examining in front of a judge, and important decisions are made in the comfort of a conference room. Divorce litigation involves the more traditional approach to resolving legal matters, including formal discovery, depositions, court hearings, and trials. Calabrese Budner is unique in that its team skillfully handles litigated divorces as well as Collaborative Divorce matters.

In Calabrese’s lengthy years of Collaborative Divorce experience, almost all of her cases have successfully finalized in the process. Although cases also settle in litigation, Calabrese says that the experience and outcomes for her clients are much more satisfactory using Collaborative Divorce. “If your divorce lawyer hasn’t said anything to you about Collaborative Divorce or downplays the process,” she says, “get a second opinion.” Just because a lawyer doesn’t want or have the experience to handle a Collaborative Divorce matter, doesn’t mean it isn’t the right process for you.

Where do I start, regarding finances?

“First thing,” Calabrese says, “is to locate what you can regarding your finances. If a financial statement or financial planning report is available, bring that to your first meeting with your lawyer. If not, these papers should be requested early on in the process.”

The key to a successful financial outcome is prioritizing financial education during the divorce. “This is true not only for the spouse who knows less about the finances, but also for the spouse ‘in the know,’” Calabrese says. It’s a well-known adage that a confused mind says no. Educating the less knowledgeable spouse allows the divorce process to move more quickly and smoothly.

From experience, Calabrese has determined that financial education and information are much easier to attain in a Collaborative Divorce. With a neutral financial professional (FP) on every team, the process provides financial education not only to the spouse who may know less about the couple’s finances, but also to the more financially savvy spouse who may not know as much as a seasoned FP. The FP is also charged with providing financial transparency. Transparency and financial education are tenets of the Collaborative Divorce process.

Will my kids be okay after a divorce?

The single most important way to ensure your kids will be okay is to stay true to this edict throughout the divorce: Always remain parents first and divorcing spouses second. Collaborative Divorce provides the opportunity for parents to jointly engage a neutral child specialist (CS) to meet with their children to give the children a voice (not a vote) on how the divorce is impacting them. The CS then reports to the parents to ensure that the children’s needs are being addressed by the parents and taken into consideration in the divorce. This unique tool allows kids to feel heard and respected, and gives them some control when they are feeling tremendous loss and anxiety about the ending of their family as they know it.

When divorcing in a traditional litigation model, putting the children’s needs ahead of yours will ensure that they will be okay in the end, especially when there isn’t the benefit of the neutral child specialist — by not using them to get back at your spouse or as pawns to achieve other desired results (doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know how harmful that would be for kids), but by genuinely looking at each decision and thinking: What is best for my child first, over how will that decision impact me.

Will I be okay after a divorce?

Self-care has been the anthem for everyone these last two years, and it is highly important when going through a divorce. Calabrese says the best form of self-care for her clients is individual therapy. Divorce is emotional. Calabrese believes that “no person should go through a divorce without the support of a good therapist.” A therapist will help a divorce client secure their best position on Divorce Day 2.

In Collaborative Divorce, a neutral mental health professional (MHP) specializing in divorce coaching is part of the process. Calabrese explains, “Although the MHP does not technically provide therapy to divorce clients, given the MHP is a therapist, they have their finger on the pulse of the emotions that always accompany divorce and will manage them.” Calabrese believes that clients choosing Collaborative Divorce tend to get to the other side with less stress, a better post-divorce relationship with their spouse, and higher client satisfaction with the process.

How long will the divorce process take?

The length of divorce depends almost entirely on how emotional the situation is and how effective the lawyers and professionals are at managing those emotions, Calabrese says. We’ve all heard stories of divorces that drag on, with terms that can’t be agreed upon, and emotional waves rip through the process, driving costs and client stress through the roof. Collaborative Divorce, with its built-in MHP to help manage the stress, tends to take much less time than a traditional litigated divorce. Traditional litigated cases tend to take longer, with higher costs, both financially and emotionally.

Calabrese further believes that aside from choosing a more conducive process, the client can control the timing of a divorce by doing the following. First, always let your lawyer manage your expectations throughout the process. Second, always take actions that keep it as civil as possible, even when a decision feels like it isn’t as fair to you as you think it should be. Third, even though it seems counterintuitive (given that this is likely the most important and emotional legal matter of your life), view the divorce as a transaction, and strip away as much emotional attachment as is possible. “Following this advice,” Calabrese says, “will give you the best shot at your very best Divorce Day 2.

For more advice and to book an appointment, visit calabresebudner.com.