reposted again 2025 Archives - Dominic Levent Solicitors Blog

The age when men are most likely to leave an unhappy marriage. It’s later than you’d think – and their wives never see it coming, reveals divorce lawyer CASSANDRA KALPAXIS

spainops — Fri, 02 Jan 2026 11:53:13 +0000

There’s an old saying, ‘Men are from Mars, women are from Venus’.

And when it comes to divorce, you won’t be surprised to hear that men and women couldn’t be more different in their approach.

Cassandra Kalpaxis, who has worked through hundreds of divorce cases in her 14 years as a family lawyer, says men and women who initiate divorce generally do so at different stages of life.

Men, she finds, are most likely to leave unfulfilling marriages in their seventies. They usually ‘hang in there’ 15 to 20 years longer than unhappily married women who throw in the towel in their late forties and fifties.

Wives are often blindsided when their 70-something husbands call it quits, as they assume they are both too old for divorce to be a realistic option.

There are many reasons why men decide to break up at 70, but Cassandra finds it is usually because their own parents have died and they feel free to separate without causing family disappointment.

She finds many of these men were never convinced of the benefits of marriage in the first place, and only got hitched because that’s what they were expected to do.

‘A lot of people in this age bracket married to check it off the list,’ she tells me.

Cassandra Kalpaxis, who has worked through hundreds of divorce cases in her 14 years as a lawyer, says men and women who initiate divorce generally do so at different stages of life

‘In many cases they didn’t love the women they married – but they don’t perceive it as living a lie; they look at it as fulfilling their duty.

‘They lived their life wondering what their father would think if they walked away.’

Cassandra has heard countless stories from older men who have endured a lifetime of marital misery and who, if they had been young today, would never have married.

‘They tell me if they didn’t marry they would have been considered the black sheep of the family,’ she says.

‘They say they didn’t have the luxury or marrying for love, that they never wanted to marry anyone at all.’

A common refrain of these older male divorcees is that while they may have made a life with their wife, they want to be on their own in their final years.

The wife’s reaction is often total devastation: ‘In these cases the women are usually extremely shocked, they didn’t see it coming.’

This isn’t the only reason men divorce their wives in their seventies. Sometimes, in retirement, they go through a ‘post-employment crisis’; they look for excitement and their marriages are often discarded during this time.

‘In their mind, they are in their twenties – they need that thrill. They might say things like their wife will no longer sleep with them,’ Cassandra says.

Some men struggle with their wives getting older, whereas women tend to be more tolerant of their ageing husbands, the lawyer adds.

‘Women are happy to play nurse to their husbands and help them when they get old and ill. Men, I find, are less likely to be able to get through these moments.

‘They don’t want to stop living to care for an elderly partner.’

Cassandra finds that men who initiate divorce are most likely to do so in their seventies, while unhappily married women tend to do so 15 to 20 years earlier. The actor Robert De Niro filed for divorce from his wife Grace Hightower in 2018 at the age of 75 (they are pictured in 2014)

As for the age when women are most likely to leave their husbands, it’s usually in their mid-forties, which is when they ‘stop caring what others think’.

They no longer feel obliged to stay married out of a sense of duty, and they start to seriously consider whether the man sleeping next to them is the person they want to grow old with over the next four to five decades.

Cassandra says most unhappily married women decide their marriage is over by their mid-forties but generally don’t ask for a separation until their early fifties.

‘One woman I saw was so anxious to leave her husband of 30 years, but knew it was what she needed to do if she wanted to be happy,’ she tells me.

The woman thought she would be single for the rest of her life, and asked Cassandra to arrange the divorce so she could live independently in her later years.

Then she unexpectedly found love – and the new relationship made her realise just how unfulfilling her first marriage had been.

‘She came in and said, “I can’t believe I waited my whole life to experience happiness with a man who loves me,”‘ Cassandra recalls.

In the case of a marriage breakdown such as this, when it’s purely dissatisfaction with no violence or infidelity involved, Cassandra says the process is relatively easy.

‘Once the other party gets over the initial shock, things usually work out smoothly.

‘People don’t want to fight about assets, their kids are grown up, they just want to walk away the easiest way possible.’

Cassandra advises the first thing you should do if you are contemplating divorce is to have an open and honest conversation with your spouse.

But if there is abuse in the marriage, skip this step and go straight to a lawyer and make a plan to have the conversation safely.

Cassandra has a strict definition of ‘safety’ in the context of asking for a separation.

‘When I ask a client “is it safe”, they should be able to say with confidence that they have free access to their finances, they can come and go from the family home without being questioned, they have access to their phone with no scrutiny over whom they contact, and they are safe from physical harm,’ she explains.

Some clients, when they finally bite the bullet and broach the topic of divorce, are surprised to find out their spouse actually feels the same way.

The conversation could even head in a positive direction with both parties deciding they are willing to work through the problems in the relationship.

Men are less likely to leave unfulfilling marriages until much later in life, waiting until their seventies to make the move. Women, by contrast, tend to throw in the towel much earlier

‘Many people, especially people who have had children, feel disconnected. They feel like they don’t know the person they are married to anymore,’ Cassandra says.

‘This is because they haven’t taken the time to keep that connection. And they could find it is still there – they do still like each other.’

In some cases, Cassandra has helped people through a divorce only to learn later they decided to remarry after a period spent living apart.

Cassandra is the author of the book Dignified Divorce, which teaches unhappily married people how to separate from their partner and ‘keep it out of court’.

In Australia, couples have to be separated for 12 months before they can apply for a divorce. They also need to be citizens or consider Australia to be their permanent home or have lived in Australia for 12 months before lodging the application.

Both parties in the relationship can file for divorce, or it can be a single application. Any property matters and decisions about dependent children must be finalised before a divorce can be settled.

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Email: Enquiries@dominiclevent.com

Phone: 020 8347 6640

Url: https://www.dominiclevent.com

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Thinking of divorce? Philippa Perry on 5 questions to ask before you split

spainops — Thu, 02 Jan 2025 11:16:25 +0000

If you are thinking about divorce here are some questions to consider before taking the plunge – and ways to bring a marriage back from the brink

The rush of Christmas is over and the quiet of January is upon us. Couples everywhere are reflecting on their future.

Perhaps your partner didn’t pull their weight last year. Or the financial stress of 2024 shone a light on painful cracks. Some couples find themselves looking out into the long year ahead filled with anger, or at worst, resentment.

It is no surprise then that the highest number of divorces are filed in the New Year. The first Monday of January has long been known among solicitors and counsellors as “Divorce Day”, and in 2023, there were 28,865 divorce applications filed in the first quarter of the year: 16 per cent more than the number of applications filed between April and June.

But a divorce isn’t always the right solution to your problems. In fact, some come to regret it. This is a pattern Philippa Perry, psychotherapist and author of several best-selling books on parenting and improving relationships, has seen. “Regretting your divorce is quite common,” she says. “I get quite a lot of regret emails. We’re living in times of great stress, and wages aren’t keeping up with inflation. People will be looking to blame their partners for some of that stress.”

Perry has been married to artist Grayson Perry for 32 years. “When you get into a relationship, it’s a little bit like you become part of another person, and they become part of you,” she says. “You influence and shape each other. And if that other person doesn’t make you feel terrible, the relationship is probably OK. People have very high expectations of what a marriage should feel like and be like.”

Still, Perry believes that some couples are less bound to stay together than others. “I don’t really mind if people split up when they haven’t got children,” she says. “If they have children, couples should think long and hard. If they have still got goodwill towards each other, but they’re just on different pages or just bored, then that’s not a reason to split up.”

If you are thinking about divorce, Perry shares the questions to consider before taking the plunge, and the ways to bring marriage back from the brink.

Is it a you problem?

“When we become very close to someone, and suddenly something isn’t right, it’s in our nature to want to blame something external for it. We often blame the person closest to us, especially if we’re depressed and we think everything is bad. That’s not a good thing. Especially if you then divorce your partner, and you still feel the same but now you miss them too. That’s a terrible thing.

So is it you, or is it them? Try to separate how you’re feeling from your partner. Remember what got you together in the first place. What attracted you to this person in the first place?

It’s not a good idea to get divorced when you’re just depressed and stressed. You’re naturally irritated by everything and everybody. It’s too easy to take that out on your partner and think they’re the problem. If you’re on the receiving end of that, try and be understanding about it, and if you’re both on the receiving end of it, it might be your external circumstances rather than your relationship.”

Are you telling yourself a story?

“We can start telling ourselves a story in our heads about another person, and we never like to be wrong. We cherry-pick the evidence against them until we’re so set on them being the enemy.

It’s not bad to say I thought the problem was them and I didn’t want to be wrong. I followed it, and I nearly followed it right to the edge of the cliff. Then I realised it was just a hunch, and I was just listing the evidence against them. I was wrong.

Casting someone as the enemy is quite satisfying. It feels almost like tying up loose ends. But it won’t really solve the problem. It just makes it much worse. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s OK to make mistakes, and good relationships are full of ruptures and repairs.”

Is it just a mismatch of conflict styles?

“When we’re under stress, we have our preferred way of coping. Some people feel a lot. They might want to sit with the feeling, or talk about the feeling to process it. Some people think a lot, and these people are quick to find a narrative about their problem. Other people want to go straight to action and do a lot to solve their problem.

Now, if you’re a thinker or feeler sort of person, you might come back from work and tell your spouse you want to leave your job. The do-er spouse might then start to look at new jobs, but this will completely miss the mark. It just takes you back into yourself. You want a partner who’s on the same page as you, so that you have moments of connection. If a thinker or feeler is married to a doing person then they might easily have a row about problems. They’re just on different planets.

It’s good to be aware of the different modes. If you’re a thinker or a feeler, and you’re married to a do-er, it’s important to remind them that they don’t have to fix every problem. If you are a doer, you have to say something like: ‘We’ve gone round in circles three times. I’d just like to take some action.’ Explain your process and your thoughts a little bit more to avoid conflict.

When coming to these sorts of conflicts, ask yourself, have you got to open your thinking door, your feeling door, or you’re doing door? It’s good to have all three to avoid conflict.”

Do you believe the grass is greener?

“The dating apps have brought a change, especially for people who haven’t had good role models with solid relationships. They have got their idea of what a good relationship looks like from fiction or from afar. They haven’t actually lived in a house with a good relationship and so, for them, it’s harder to know how to stay committed to someone. Dating apps make this worse because they make us feel like we’ve got infinite choices.

In some ways, it was easier when we had very little choice of comparison. When I chose my husband, there was only the choice of people I met or knew. A limited choice makes it far easier to commit.

What makes it a good relationship is commitment. If you choose to be committed to a relationship and you’ve got a problem, you’ll work it through. If you haven’t got a commitment, it’s easy to just go and get another one. It’s treating people like commodities rather than people, which is encouraged by dating apps.

The great thing about staying with someone for a very long time – I’ve been married for 32 years and we have been together for 37 years – is that you get to new stages as you go on. If you broke up after a year with every partner and then started again, you might be just living the same year over again in terms of your personal development. You wouldn’t break the pattern. You’d start to get irritated with them around about month nine, and you chuck them at the 12th month.

If this is you, do some serious therapy on yourself. What gets in the way of a good relationship is thinking that the grass is greener and therefore having a lack of commitment. This is why we have marriage because you make a commitment and you promise to stick to that commitment so that you can work through stuff.”

Do you have moments of inclusion?

“Good relationships have ruptures and repairs. It’s not the rupture that matters so much as the repair. We have very high expectations of what a relationship should be, and I think that’s a shame.

People have difficulty accepting the other person as they are. They always want them to be a bit more this, or a bit more that. But the key to a good marriage is being able to be in the same place emotionally. This is what the philosopher Martin Buber called ‘a moment of inclusion’. These are the moments of when you both feel like you’ve both clicked and really get each other. This can be giving your partner a side eye when someone is talking, and they respond in a knowing way. Or it might be when you are going over a problem and you come to the same conclusion, or you’re both looking at the same sunset. If these moments are missing, we need to slow down our busy lives and leave space for them.

We also need to focus on goodwill in our partnerships. This means treating love as an action, as well as a feeling. Even when we’re not feeling very loving towards our partners, practice doing loving behaviours for them. Ask yourself, what can I do for them today? What can I do for the household today that would otherwise fall to the other person?

In arguments, this means not ascribing motivations to the other person. Look at an argument with curiosity. Slow it right down. Was it just one dig after another that has caused a spiral? See if you can turn that spiral the other way with goodwill.”

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Dominic Levent Solicitors

Email: Enquiries@dominiclevent.com

Phone: 020 8347 6640

Url: https://www.dominiclevent.com

1345 High Rd

London, London N20 9HR

The 8 simple steps to divorce-proof your Christmas including powerful two-letter word that could save your relationship

spainops — Thu, 12 Dec 2024 13:19:58 +0000

IF you are more likely to be bickering under the mistletoe this Christmas, then this is your moment to take action and divorce-proof your festivities before you end up facing 2025 as a singleton.

Christmas really can be the most wonderful time of the year, but the demands on your time and purse, can force any relationship cracks wide open.

There are some easy tips and tricks to follow this Christmas to divorce-proof your relationship.

The festive season is the perfect time for couples to focus on one another and their needs.

Here are my eight top tips to make sure you have a very happy holiday, including making time for quality intimacy.

Leave the building

The lines between work and home life have become increasingly blurred, especially since more people started working from home.

While this arrangement might be more convenient on many levels it can also make it a lot harder to switch off from the day job.

By dipping into work at all hours you take away the focus from your family relationships and can leave loved ones feeling neglected.

Choose less

The festivities come with the opportunity to spend big, but there is a choice.

If you are panicking about how you are going to afford Christmas, talk to your loved ones and agree on a smaller gift budget, or
even agree to an experience together to make your money go further.

It can be as simple as ice skating, a trip to see the Christmas lights and a drink.

Dear Deidre – Isn’t It All Made Up?

Gifts don’t have to break the bank and can still help create meaningful memories with a little thought and planning.

If you are hosting, consider asking other family members to contribute to the meal and celebrations.

Include your kids in the conversation. Explain you are on a tight budget and that they can really help by not going off the deep end with their present demands.

Think of Christmas as a chance to renew a genuine sense of connection by changing the focus from extravagant gift-giving to spending quality time with those you love.

Be intentioned

The Christmas juggle is real and exhausting.

The pressure to create a perfect celebration starts months in advance but we all have limited capacity.

Money-Saving Tips from Gemma Bird: Save £2k Before Christmas

IF you’re looking to save cash, you’ve come to the right place, as here, Gemma Bird has shared her top tips that’ll save you £2k before Christmas.

Set a budget: Track your spending and create a realistic budget.
Cut unnecessary costs: Cancel unused subscriptions and avoid impulse buys.
Meal planning: Plan meals to reduce grocery bills and avoid takeaways.
Sell unwanted items: Declutter and sell items online for extra cash.
Cashback and discounts: Use cashback sites and hunt for discount codes.
DIY gifts: Make personalised gifts to save money and add a personal touch.
Pick up a seasonal shift: A really easy way to pick up a bit of extra cash in the winter is to find yourself some seasonal work.

Follow these practical tips from Gemma Bird to boost your savings before the festive season!

So sit down with your other half and work out what your priorities are.

Discuss what is important to you both and make sure you ring fence those gems.

The alternative is that you spend hours in traffic visiting various loved ones and running out of time for your favourite winter walk.

If you feel rested, appreciated and considered, you’ll have more energy to give to others.

And just as importantly so will your partner.

Have a sexy Christmas

Plenty of us burn the candle at both ends at this time of year and being intimate is often first to fall off the agenda, but we know having sex is good for our mental health.

After all, it releases oxytocin, the love hormone in both men and women, and that should help you feel happier and more connected.

So make sure you have a few relaxed days when you can get up later, go to bed earlier, recharge your relationship between the sheets and give your partner a Christmas present they will remember for all the right reasons.

Set your stall out clearly

When dishing out or receiving invitations, be transparent about what you need, so everyone knows how to plan their time.

Let guests know when to arrive and, most importantly when, you need people to leave.

Give your partner a Christmas present they will remember for all the right reasons!

Sally Land

Tell people what you want them to contribute. You can still be a great host and ask people to bring a dish, or bedding.

Also, if your mind is full of a million and one things to do, your partner will quickly fall down your list of priorities and will start to feel neglected, and vice versa.

Being organised will help you enjoy the holidays together.

Have regular check ins

Create a space for your relationship and touch in with each other.

With so many family and friends to catch up with, it’s more important than ever to regularly ask your other half if they need anything, if it’s OK for you to pop to the post office, or head over to your dad’s house.

And doing it in front of a room full of people isn’t the same as quietly asking while you are alone.

You and your partner are at the centre of everything, so make sure you are a unit together discussing and deciding as a team.

Value the power of ‘No’

Sometimes the best thing you can do is to duck out early or simply turn down an invitation.

Don’t be afraid to put your relationship ahead of the endless meals, drinks and gatherings.

There are plenty of times when the very best thing for our relationships is a night in snuggling up on the sofa.

Don’t leave them hanging

We’ve all heard of ‘phubbing’, where someone is so distracted by their phone they leave the person they are with feeling snubbed.

So it makes sense that if you use your phone to excess in a relationship the long term effect of this is going to be hugely damaging.

Instead of doom-scrolling, make sure you ringfence significant periods of the day and leave your mobile well alone.

Indeed recent research has found couples who are distracted by their phones are less likely to be happy in their marriage and are more likely to experience conflict.

If you are worried about your relationship you can email me and my team of counsellors on deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk. It’s completely free and we reply to every single message with a personalised answer.

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Dominic Levent Solicitors

Email: Enquiries@dominiclevent.com

Phone: 020 8347 6640

Url: https://www.dominiclevent.com

1345 High Rd

London, London N20 9HR

How Couples Navigate Life After Divorce

spainops — Fri, 29 Nov 2024 14:26:06 +0000

Divorce can be one of the most challenging experiences, tearing apart lives and causing emotional turmoil. Yet, for some ex-couples, the entwined nature of their lives leads to innovative living arrangements post-separation. A fascinating case is the story of Alice and Mark, who decided to remain under the same roof even after deciding to call it quits on their marriage. This unconventional arrangement is not just about cohabitating for practical reasons; it’s about redefining their relationship and prioritizing the well-being of their children.

Alice and Mark, parents to two young children, always struggled with the idea of traditional divorce, especially the thought of their kids being shuttled from one home to another. “What’s best for the kids became our guiding principle,” Alice shared. This perspective influenced their decision to maintain their living arrangement and to consciously navigate the challenges of post-marriage life.

Living together after divorce may sound muddy to many, but Alice and Mark established ground rules and clear communication pathways from the start. “We treat it like any other shared living arrangement,” Mark explained. They’ve delineated spaces within the house to establish personal boundaries, with Alice taking charge of the upper floor and Mark having the lower level. Despite this unconventional setup, they enjoy shared family meals and educational activities, ensuring the kids feel secure and stable.

One key factor they emphasized was the importance of setting emotional boundaries. Mark’s dating life, for example, isn’t off-limits, but they agree to discuss new partners openly. “We respect each other’s autonomy but also prioritize our children’s feelings and needs,” Alice mentioned. This balance enables them to maintain their individuality as well as their familial unit.

This approach isn’t unique to Alice and Mark. Studies show various families opting for similar arrangements, opting for what some refer to as ‘nesting.’ This setup usually involves the children remaining in the family home, with parents alternating living there. Dr. Lila E. Zhao, a psychologist who specializes in family dynamics, argues, “Staying together under one roof post-divorce can help reduce children’s anxiety about their shifting circumstances. It’s about minimizing disruption.”

Of course, such arrangements aren’t without their challenges. Alice points out the importance of managing potential conflicts. “Sometimes, we disagree on how to approach parenting, which can spark tension,” she acknowledged. What’s important, she noted, is their commitment to parent as a united front, always putting their children first. “When we have disagreements, we resolve them privately before including our children.”

The ex-couple also emphasizes the benefits of having emotional support readily available. Alice highlighted how financial concerns also initially influenced their decision. “Divorce settlements can be costly, and initially, we thought, why not save our money and invest it elsewhere?” said Alice. This financial consideration often serves as the catalyst for many post-separation living arrangements.

Education, stability, and emotional closeness are among the aspects parents look to maintain when contemplating post-divorce living arrangements. According to recent trends, more parents are choosing to continue cohabitating for these reasons. Family psychologist Dr. Jenna Thomas supports this trend, stating, “Many parents find cohabitation post-divorce allows them to continue fostering healthy family relationships, cutting down on stress for everyone involved.”

It’s not just personal bonds and finances driving this trend, though. There’s also cultural and societal shifts at play. Research indicates changing perceptions about divorce, where staying connected and focused on family is increasingly recognized as valuable. Couples are more willing to reframe their relationship, acknowledging it can evolve past romantic ties to become stable family partnerships.

The success of Alice and Mark’s arrangement raises the question: Can such unique living arrangements work for everyone? Not every divorced couple may find cohabitation suitable, as each relationship and its dynamics differ significantly. Personal comfort levels, emotional readiness, and the issue of new relationships must all be taken seriously.

Alternatives like co-parenting apps have emerged, centralizing communication between separated parents. These tools can help manage schedules, share updates on children’s activities, and facilitate constructive exchanges. But, as Alice mentions, “nothing substitutes for face-to-face discussions, especially when it involves our children.”

While Alice and Mark’s story offers hope for some, it’s clear this arrangement isn’t without its complications. Yet they both see value beyond just necessity. “We’re co-parents, co-residents, and most important, co-contributors to our children’s happiness,” Alice concluded. Their unique lifestyle not only challenges conventional views around divorce; it also showcases the potential for adaptability even after lives have taken different directions. Alice and Mark’s commitment to parenting together and redefining family norms strikes at the heart of what it means to be family. Who’s to say the chapters of life can’t evolve and change?

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Dominic Levent Solicitors

Email: Enquiries@dominiclevent.com

Phone: 020 8347 6640

Url: https://www.dominiclevent.com

1345 High Rd

London, London N20 9HR

Enjoying the Holidays Despite Your Divorce

spainops — Fri, 22 Nov 2024 14:51:28 +0000

Enjoying the holidays can feel like a lot of pressure. Especially if you are newly separated, separated or divorced. Or, if you have been divorced for awhile, but are still negotiating holidays with a difficult ex-spouse. In any of these scenarios, you are not alone in that you’re anticipating the upcoming holidays with dread instead of enjoying the holidays.

How can you navigate the season for you and your children without despair? As I tell my clients often, it’s achievable, but not easy. However, with a few shifts in perspective, and good planning, it is possible to create a holiday season that works for you and your children and actually allows you to enjoy the holidays. It is necessary to plan and it is important to prioritize yourself too.

Change your perspective and define what you want this holiday season

My clients have diverse backgrounds and experiences in separation and divorce but all have a common underlying concern: they anticipated difficulty for themselves and their children during a season that was “supposed to be” full of joy. They couldn’t imagine how they could make the season what it “used to be” for themselves and their families. It was, in fact, way too much pressure.

Rather than allowing yourself to be “stuck in the story”, I recommend focusing on what you want from the season. Notice I don’t emphasize recalling “how it used to be,” rather I encourage clients to define “what it could be.” With this subtle shift in perspective, I want them to own the outcome they’re looking for.

When I ask them to share their thoughts, I often hear lots of comments about simplifying and not trying to do everything which is a great way to limit the pressure and subsequent feelings of frustration or disappointment. Instead, select a few key meaningful ways you can engage with your children and do not allow the demands of others to intrude upon these plans.

Really, this approach is not so different from the intentions many of us had before separation and divorce; you just may have done these subconsciously. The difference now, it seems, is that you have to account for and plan time with the other parent, and their family, and you may need to spend time figuring out how to make the moments you have with your kids fulfilling.

Planning and setting intentions can limit escalated emotions during the holidays

Below are a few tools to lower the heightened feelings around what may occur:

Start planning now: reach out, by email, to the other parent unless there is already a specific plan in place so you can anticipate when you and they will have the kids.
Start letting go now: don’t try to tell the other parent how to spend their holiday time with the kids; instead, focus on what you want to do with them.
Reach out to family and friends who may also want time with you and children and decide, with your values and priorities, what makes sense. People learn what we will tolerate based on how we teach them to treat us–even if you haven’t set good boundaries historically, you can do so now. Ask for what you need and discard what you don’t.
Expect sadness for what has been lost but also allow for new feelings of anticipation around what may occur too. Creating a new tradition can be one way both you and your children get excited.
Set realistic expectations for the season and remind yourself of them throughout, and recognize that there are going to be bumps in your plans, no matter how well thought out they are. Give yourself some grace and do your best to go with the flow to avoid stress on yourself and your children.
Understand yourself: If you need to be busy when you don’t have the kids, make plans; if you prefer time alone and some peace, plan for that as well. Self-care is critical, especially during this season where there are routine changes, emotional triggers, and general holiday stressors.
Plan for the support you need: Often, a divorce coach can remind you, gently, of the values you have set out together and bring you back to acting in line with your priorities. If you need help going neutral with an ex, get it. Avoid texting as it can create too much temptation to say things you may later regret. Instead, craft neutral email about plans and leave out the rest.

Spend some time with this alternative perspective, and see what new insights you might do to support yourself and your children for the holidays. Most importantly, recognize you cannot return to what was and remember, after all, that it may not have been as perfectly satisfying as you first believed. It is easy to romanticize the past which can cloud the unknown future if you let it which is why perspective and driving towards positive activities can actually create better experiences than your past ones.

By anticipating change, I’ve had clients share that they were able to create the space and time to try new ideas and build in downtime that provided focus for their self-care. Now, along with the loss of separation and divorce, was the real possibility of positive change too, which includes enjoying the holidays. The holidays could become something they had perhaps never envisioned but now could at least consider because they defined it: they created a plan for themselves and their children, together and separately.

Remember, you are a part of your holidays, so carve out time take care of yourself

After we spend time discussing this approach, I ask my clients to share what they might take away and utilize in their holiday planning; I’ve shared a couple of their thoughts below:

The most common response I hear is they’ve thought about themselves and what they want, sometimes for the first time. And many acknowledge that in years past so much of their energy went to making the holidays special for everyone else that they lost sight of themselves in the chaos.
They wanted to prioritize the needs of their children, absolutely, but they also wanted to remind themselves of their value too. Many are not certain how that looked, yet, but they were determined to find out.

I encourage my clients to “check-in” with me as they make their plans, and communicate with family and ex-spouses too. I support them as they try to change their perspective, build a plan, and take care of their needs. You may stumble and find it really hard, but I continue to see success when intentional focus is applied to how you plan the holidays (or really your day to day). With a plan in place, even as new challenges arise, you will start to see the promise of new possibilities arising and the weight of your divorce will lift.

Cherie Morris, J.D., Certified Divorce Coach, Founder, Dear Divorce Coach

Cherie Morris practices as a Divorce Coach and Parent Coordinator. She is trained as a lawyer, yoga teacher and is also an author and mother. A seasoned lawyer turned passionate divorce coach, Cherie is dedicated to guiding families through the complexities of co-parenting.

With a unique blend of legal expertise and compassionate coaching, Cherie offers a fresh perspective on creating harmonious co-parenting relationships. Her approach is rooted in the belief that effective communication and mutual understanding can transform the co-parenting journey into a positive experience for the entire family. Dive deeper into Cherie’s journey and discover how she can help you navigate your co-parenting path.

Learn more about Cherie’s online co-parenting course: Co-parenting Compass

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Tips For A Divorce Strategy Where Everyone Wins

spainops — Thu, 21 Nov 2024 15:02:34 +0000

“I’m getting divorced—I need an aggressive divorce attorney.” “First thing to do is make sure you have a strong divorce lawyer to fight them.” “I’ve been through a divorce; don’t let them mess things up any further. Lawyer up!” Does any of this sound familiar? They’re common types of responses I see on social media and online forums when someone announces their marriage is ending and seeks guidance on a divorce strategy.

This kind of advice and divorce strategy often leans toward an aggressive, win-at-all-costs approach, steeped in stories about what disaster can result if you’re not combative enough. But while understandable in the face of everything going on, this prevalent approach may not always be the most beneficial – let alone healthiest – path to take.

A Win-Lose Divorce Strategy Isn’t the Only Way to Go

As a family mediator who helps divorcing couples and parents navigate divorce and their co-parenting afterward, I notice a common theme: the default tends towards the adversarial. It’s you against them—a race to win or at least not to lose.

Divorce is a whirlwind of powerful emotions—anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness, fear, and grief. The process, and the transitions involved, can seem overwhelming, and these feelings are a testament to that. Acknowledging these emotions and their impact on your decision-making can be important for so many reasons. Not least is how the choices you make now can influence your and your children’s paths into the future.

Many families come to me as a mediator looking for an alternative to litigation and the adversarial, win-lose negotiations that accompany the legal process. They want to minimize the damage that comes from systems seemingly designed to pit them against each other until solutions come either from exhaustion or because you can’t afford the damage that comes from continually arguing about who’s more right.

Is Reducing Conflict One of Your Goals?

Considering a less adversarial divorce process can sometimes bring a sense of relief, knowing that healthier options are available. Choosing such a path can be a more positive option for you and your children in the longer term, reducing stress and empowering you to have more control over your future even when the current situation may feel beyond control.

It can also be a first step in changing how you – the parents – interact with each other in the longer term as you move beyond whatever led to your decision to divorce.

Here’s the thing: adversarial processes are built around finality and competition, not cooperation and flexibility. They aren’t focused on helping both of you practice the skills you’ll need to deal with the inevitable changes and future disagreements—to shift from battling things out to working things out.

As parents who become co-parents, there will be times when you’ll still need to work together to figure things out—but now across two homes instead of one. It’s not the attorneys who will be there when your sick child needs to be picked up from school or when you have to work late. Your children will still need you both.

A Mediator’s Three Questions to Help You Set Your Path

I want to share a few questions to also consider as you decide how to approach your divorce and what resources you’ll engage to support you through it and beyond.

Think of these questions as a starting point—adding another dimension beyond the adversarial—to help you as you determine your next steps. Even if parental cooperation feels out of reach right now, these questions can help you make an initial “deposit” toward a more cooperative future than you might currently envision.

1. Will the path you choose for your divorce set you up to work together afterward any better than when you started?
2. Will it create a foundation for effective co-parenting after the divorce is complete and the attorneys and experts are gone?

3. What kind of co-parenting relationship do your children need from both of you and what steps—and resources—can you engage to make that a reality?

By considering these questions, you’re already laying a foundation for more than just getting through the divorce—you’re actively taking steps to shape a healthier future for yourself and your children.

Like this article? Check out “How to Ask Forgiveness from Someone You’ve Hurt”

Erik Feig, Divorce Mediator, Co-parenting Specialist, Disability Informed Professional, Founder, Feig Mediation Group

Erik M Feig is a parent and family mediator and founder of Feig Mediation Group in Bethesda Maryland. With a focus on helping families comprehensively and cooperatively navigate divorce and post-divorce co-parenting—especially parents of special needs and neurodivergent children—he serves families throughout the US. To schedule a free consultation, he can be reached at erik@feigmediationgroup.com.

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Dominic Levent Solicitors

Email: Enquiries@dominiclevent.com

Phone: 020 8347 6640

Url: https://www.dominiclevent.com

1345 High Rd

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5 Tips to Keeping Your Sanity When Divorcing a Narcissist

spainops — Sat, 26 Oct 2024 12:51:58 +0000

Divorce is hard no matter the situation. It’s huge life change. Long held beliefs and expectations are shattered, and everything moving forward is going to be different from the life you know. If you have children, there is an additional level of angst, as you are still tied together and must learn to co-parent. These challenges get even more difficult and complicated when you are divorcing a narcissist.

The first thing I want to say is, if you are divorcing a narcissist, please stop blaming yourself.

Stop telling yourself “I should have known better.” Forgive yourself. Your narcissistic spouse was, and is charming and engaging. Smart and funny. He wooed you and put you up on a pedestal in the beginning. It wasn’t until you were head over heels in love that things started to change.

They may have changed slowly or in the blink of an eye, but somehow you were knocked off that pedestal. All of a sudden, you weren’t good enough. You became insecure. You were told a different story about who you were, and your failures were magnified. You were never good enough. You felt like you didn’t know yourself anymore, at least not with your spouse. Somehow, the one who was supposed to love and protect you forever, changed into someone who seemed to do the opposite.

Secondly, in divorcing a narcissist, you deserve a hearty congratulations! You’ve taken a huge step. You’ve found your voice and recognized that the life you’ve been living is no longer acceptable. You are enough – in fact, you are more than enough! You’ve stepped outside the cycle of narcissistic abuse and said no, I won’t take it anymore. I will no longer be the subject of my partner’s emotional abuse.

But it’s not easy. Spouses and partners with narcissistic tendencies do not like being called out and do not like losing their power. Your partner will do everything they can to suck you back in, to “hoover” you back with promises of better behavior, promises to never do it again, to not drink, or cheat, or track you, or demean you in front of friends, family, your kids, whatever it takes to bring you back within their control. They will also try to take control of the divorce process when they see that they cannot woo you back. They will want to make you suffer.

Here are 5 tips that can help you in divorcing a narcissist:

1. Set your boundaries.

Just say no. Commit to yourself and say, “I will not let you back into my head. You have lost the right to take over my thoughts.” This is easier said than done. So get the right support. A divorce coach can be your guide on the side who can support you while you build your inner resources to stand for yourself during these difficult early days.

A coach can help you develop new practices and strategies that will support you today and into your future. Remind yourself, 80 percent of what someone says is about them not you. Keeping this in mind, know that the narcissist uses power over you to cover their own insecurities, So maybe the phrase, “it’s not about me, it’s about them,” can help.

2. Identify your “Why”

This is your purpose, your values, your passion. Your “why” defines who you want to be during the process. Simon Sinek speaks about the power of the “Why”. When we connect with our purpose so it becomes our passion, we are unstoppable. You may have forgotten who you were during your marriage. We all have a tendency to get lost in the day to day. You may feel like you have lost your voice. Now is your opportunity to rediscover it!

You can reconnect to your power and your inner strength. Working with your coach, you can ask yourself big questions like “Why do I need to chart a new future? Why am I striving for a better life?” Articulating your “Why” gives you the inspiration and motivation to keep going even when it is hard. Maybe your “why” is as basic, and as simple as “freedom.” Think about that, and then go another step deeper. Freedom to do what? Get curious with yourself and dig deep.

3. Educate yourself.

Learn everything you need to know about your family’s financial situation and the legal process. What do you have access to, financially speaking? What don’t you have access to? And if you don’t have access to certain things, ask yourself why.

A divorce coach can help you identify whether you need the support of other divorce professionals like a Certified Divorce Financial Advisors or Forensic accountants, valuation experts or appraisers, or all of the above. A divorce coach can also connect you with the right legal support for you and your particular situation. Not every lawyer is right for every case. Divorce coaches build relationships with different lawyers in all different areas of divorce practice. This way they can be the best resource for their clients throughout the process.

4. Remember BIFF

Bill Eddy, one of the leading conflict resolution gurus, developed this acronym, it stands for Brief Informative Friendly and Firm. I use the word, Factual in place of Friendly, because we don’t always want to be friendly with our soon to be ex spouse.

Narcissistic individuals, or individuals with narcissistic tendencies, like to draw their spouses into the conflict patterns they developed during the marriage that leave the spouse feeling beaten and battered. BIFF allows you to hold your line and keep all communication Brief and Informative Factual and Firm. You maintain your boundaries and refuse to allow the relationship of the past to fester into the future.

5. Design your vision for the future.

When you begin to envision your post divorce future with hope and positivity, you stop being dragged back into the past. Working with a divorce coach allows you to dream about what is possible. Your lawyer will let you know what your rights are and what you can expect. Your coach will let you imagine what you can achieve with the gifts that you have, keeping that vision front and center. Making it more concrete and specific will make it more real for you so that “the day after” looks less frightening and more empowering. This goes a long way toward getting out from under a difficult past, and helping you achieve the best result possible for you today and into your future.

There is no doubt that divorce, especially divorcing a narcissist, is one of the most disruptive experiences many people experience in their lifetime. Additionally, leaving a relationship with a narcissistic and abusive spouse can be terrifying. But when you approach the situation keeping the 5 tips above in mind, and with support, strategic guidance, and a hopeful vision, the road ahead will feel easier and so much more doable.

Lisa Lisser, Attorney, Certified Divorce Coach, Spiritual Coach, Founder, LZL Coaching

Lisa Lisser, Certified Divorce Coach practiced litigation law before choosing to stay home with her young children. While at home with her kids, she became deeply involved in non-profit work. She supported her community as a public speaker and advocate. She designed community wide programs and was an active participant on multiple non-profit boards. A lifelong learner, she went back to school, earned her masters in Jewish education and became a certified spiritual counselor.

Now, a CDC certified divorce coach, Lisa is blending her talents and life experiences to do the work she was meant to do. She understands the complicated process of divorce through both legal eyes and personal experience. With empathy and compassion, she will help reduce your overwhelm, provide you with a sounding board, and give you the confidence you need to move through your divorce and launch into the next stage of your life. Learn more here.

Like this article? Check out “Advice for ‘I Feel Like My Life is Falling Apart’”

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Dominic Levent Solicitors

Email: Enquiries@dominiclevent.com

Phone: 020 8347 6640

Url: https://www.dominiclevent.com

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Divorce Loneliness: Reasons and Remedies

spainops — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 12:29:21 +0000

Statements I hear from those with divorce loneliness: I feel so alone. Nobody understands what I’m going through. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I’m terrified of being by myself. It’s so quiet in this house. What if I’m alone forever?

Issues pertaining to isolation and divorce loneliness are among the biggest concerns faced by people who are newly separated or divorced. Almost 50% of all marriages in the United States end indivorce. So why do we feel so alone when we are experiencing something that is so common? As a certified divorce coach and support group facilitator, I explore this issue with my clients all the time.

Here are six common reasons why we have divorce loneliness, followed by some helpful remedies:

1. Dealing with Loss

Regardless of whether you or your spouse initiated the divorce, there is a tremendous sense of loss associated with the end of a marriage. A necessary grieving period ensues. You are mourning the loss of your partner, your family unit, your role as either husband or wife, a part of your own identity, your dreams and visions for the future, and so much more. There is an emptiness that swells around all this loss. Life as you know it, no longer exists. It is normal to feel alone when everything about your life suddenly seems unfamiliar.

Remedies:

Allow yourself time to grieve. Familiarize yourself with the grieving process and recognize the importance of allowing yourself time to heal and adjust to your new life circumstances. It’s also important to recognize that you are probably not the only one grieving. Your children, other family members, and even close friends may also be experiencing a sense of loss. Share your grief. Allow yourself to talk about and express your emotions. Let it out. Go ahead and cry on someone’s shoulder. Permitting ourselves to be vulnerable in front of others deepens connections. And remember, these difficult feelings are a normal and natural part of the healing process.

Create some new routines, traditions and rituals. While it is important to mourn what was, it also helps to create what will be. Invite others to help you create some new traditions. Creating and sharing rituals is a great way to enhance your bonds with others. Schedule daily morning walks with your neighbor. Have lunch once a week with your mom or best friend. Turn Friday nights into movie and popcorn night with your kids. Connect with your relatives to discuss and plan a new holiday tradition/vacation/outing. These types of activities give you something to look forward to and are a wonderful way to keep you involved with life!

2. Feeling Depleted

It’s also normal to feel exhausted as you try to rebuild your life and enter this next uncertain phase. You may be overwhelmed by new responsibilities and all the important decisions you have to make concerning your future. The divorce process itself is often an arduous drawn-out process that requires a tremendous amount of time, energy, effort, and cooperation. Getting a divorce can feel like a full-time job and take up all your head space. This divorce “burn out” can lead to further isolation as it may deplete your energy and/or desire to engage with others.

Remedies:

Focus on self-care. When you are worn out, it can really help to step up your self-care. Eat nourishing, energizing, healthy foods. Try to get a sufficient amount of sleep every night. Stick to the same bedtime and wake-up time every day. Move your body. Often! Get outside. Practice relaxation techniques. Slow down. Journal. Meditate. Pray. Once your energy is restored, you will feel better physically and emotionally which will enhance the likelihood for you to engage with others.

Ask for help. Asking for help when we need it is one of the nicest things we can do for ourselves. In what areas of your life do you need help, and who can you rely on to lessen your load? In addition to friendships, what professionals do you need to help aid you through the divorce process? Maybe a therapist to help you with your emotional healing, or a coach to help you plan your future. Perhaps a financial advisor or accountant to help you make wise decisions regarding assets and debts, budgeting and saving. What about a personal trainer/masseuse/nutritionist to help you feel better physically? The list goes on. Are there friends and neighbors who can help with child care, carpooling, house maintenance, errands etc.? Take advantage of your support system. When we give and receive help from others it strenghtens our friendships and connections. It really does take a Village!

3. Processing Difficult Emotions

As you come to terms with being divorced, you’ll ride an emotional roller coaster that may make you feel like you are losing your mind. One minute, you may be happy and relieved your marriage is over, the next minute you may be incredibly sad and angry. It is often difficult to process these ever-changing, sometimes contradicting emotions.

Other intense emotions, such as shame, guilt, fear, and embarrassment can further paralyze individuals as they begin the difficult transition from married life to single life. When we view our divorce as a failure, or blame ourselves for the divorce, or live in the world of could haves, would haves, should haves, we tend to retreat away from others. If you don’t feel safe expressing these messy, uncomfortable feelings in front of others, you may choose to ride them out alone. These are the days when you feel like you just want to hide under the covers.

Remedies:

Seek the help of a mental health professional. Divorce is recognized as the second most stressful life event. It can be a traumatic experience that may even cause previous traumatic events to resurface. Earlier wounds may be reopened that can be very difficult, painful, and complicated to address alone. An experienced therapist can help you through the healing process and provide effective coping strategies.

Shift your mindset. Try not to think about your divorce as a failure that you are ashamed about. The end of a dysfunctional or unhappy marriage is a chance for a new beginning. It’s realizing you are now free from an unhealthy situation. Starting over is a brave act, not a shameful one. When you can release some of your negative thoughts surrounding your situation, you can begin to see the many possibilities and opportunities for the future. Engaging with others opens up new doors.

Get out of the house. While it is important to honor your feelings on those days when you just want to hibernate alone, it is important to not stay stuck there. Schedule time for yourself to get out and about. At the very least, take a walk, go to the store, stop somewhere for a cup of coffee, sit in the park, people watch. Recognize the world out there beyond your pain. If you tend to isolate, these are some simple first steps.

4. Believing There’s No One You can Turn to

When you are in a bad place in your own life, you may not want to worry or over burden your friends and family with your personal hardships. Or, maybe you are starting to get the sense that they are tired of hearing about your story over and over again. Unfortunately, you may also discover that those closest to you, even if they have the best intentions, don’t really “get” what you are going through and that leaves you feeling even more alone and isolated.

Or, perhaps you can’t turn to your loved ones because you feel the need to appear strong and in control of your life, or because they depend on you. Maybe you fear being judged, criticized, pitied, gossiped about, or told what to do. Perhaps, you are just not sure who you can really trust. All of this may lead you to believe that it is just best to keep your personal life private and bottled in.

Remedy:

Join a support group. I believe joining a support group is an essential an instrumental part of any deep healing journey. It is incredibly helpful to connect with others who are going through a similar situation. A chance to share with others who “get it” is incredibly validating and helpful. We heal through the concept of connecting and belonging, while also gaining tips, tools, strategies, and resources from others.

In addition to what may be offered in your own community, there is instant help at your fingertips through an app called Circles. I have been fortunate to work for this platform for the past several years and can attest to the benefits our members receive on a daily basis. Over 500 support groups are offered every week, each guided by mental health professionals and certified coaches who are dedicated to providing safe, nonjudgemental audio rooms where members can gather to listen, share, learn, reflect, grow, and heal. These live audio rooms are offered at all hours during the day and night, so it’s like having a support team on call whenever you need it.

Once on the app, all you have to do is tap on your phone screen to anonymously enter a circle. Your privacy is protected which may also make you feel more comfortable participating and sharing, or if you just want to listen, that’s ok too. With so many facilitators and topics to choose from, it’s easy to find a circle that’s right for you. Furthermore, you have unlimited access to the number of Circles you choose to attend.

To date, I have facilitated over 700 sessions and I continue to be amazed by the love, support, and progress I see in these rooms. It’s a community. It’s dedicated professional facilitators with a mission to provide knowledge and support. It’s people helping people. It’s members being open, honest, vulnerable, caring, supportive, encouraging, and inspiring. When we connect with others and hear their stories, and share ours, we learn about the human experience.

We learn that we are not alone. We learn that the impossible starts to feel possible. We call that hope. (You can find out more about Circles by downloading the app or visiting Circlesup.com)

5. Adjusting to New Living Arrangements

Whether you have remained in the marital home or moved to a new location, it may be the first time in a long time that you are living alone without your spouse. If you have children and are sharing parenting time with your ex, it may also be the first time you are away from your kids overnight. A full house is now an empty house. It’s quiet. It’s still. You feel an incredible absence. There is less for you to do and less for you to take care of. While you may like your new found freedom and having more ample time, it is still a major adjustment. It becomes easy to wallow in the unfamiliar emptiness.

Remedies:

Embrace the solitude. Don’t resist it. Don’t equate loneliness with being alone. What if being alone translated to freedom, peace, solitude, calm, relaxation, relief, rest, tranquility, leisure, harmony, serenity? Sit in that space. Don’t fight the initial discomfort, it will eventually dissipate. Give it time.

Fill your space with love. In addition to finding ways to embrace your alone time, fill your house with love. Make your house your safe haven. Add special touches to your décor to create a space that is inviting and cozy. Then open your doors to others. Host a holiday get-together, invite friends over for no reason, plan a divorce party, play the music as loud as you want, dance in the kitchen! Create new memories.

6. Feeling Anxious About how to Show up Single

During separation or post-divorce, you may feel anxious about showing up single. After being part of a couple for so long, it can take time before you are fully comfortable in a social setting or attending social events alone. It may feel like all eyes are on you. If you have never ate dinner alone at a restaurant or gone to a wedding without a date, these outings can seem daunting. You might feel awkward arriving somewhere solo, or as a third wheel. As a newly single person, you may be more likely to decline social invitations. Caution, the more opportunities and events you pass on, the more isolated you may become.

Remedies:

Just say yes. Whatever invitations come your way, try to say yes, even if your first inclination is to say no. Give yourself a little pep talk and then give yourself permission to have fun. Really, what do you have to lose? At the very least, you will gain a new experience. Over time, you will regain your social confidence and start to feel more comfortable as your empowered single-self. Furthermore, take note of how far you can soar now that you are not held back by any of the former constraints of your marriage?

Try new things. Find a hobby, join an activity, attend an event, explore an interest, choose a cause to support, volunteer in the community, take a class—these are great ways to meet like-minded people. In addition to expanding your social circle, you will find more happiness by living a life driven by passion and purpose. So sign up and get involved. If you don’t’ know where to start, check out some of the offerings and events being held at your local library or community college. In addition, see if your local news’ source provides a calendar of events in your community.

Become a regular somewhere. This is another easy way to make friends and establish your presence in the community. Here are a few examples: dine at the same restaurant every Wednesday evening at 6pm; hang out at your local coffee shop every Tuesday at noon; workout at the gym every morning at 7am. Overtime, you will likely see the same familiar faces, making it easy to strike up conversations and develop new friendships. It also feels really nice when a place you frequent becomes “your” special place. A place where you feel welcomed, wanted and known.

After years of marriage, adjusting to life as a single person can be really difficult. It’s a huge, emotional life transition with many obstacles. However, it can also be a wonderful time full of exploration, experimentation, and excitement. Go for it!

Learn more about Circles and sign up with the discounted rate if you use this link!

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Dominic Levent Solicitors

Email: Enquiries@dominiclevent.com

Phone: 020 8347 6640

Url: https://www.dominiclevent.com

1345 High Rd

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When a Child is Taking Sides in the Divorce

spainops — Wed, 09 Oct 2024 12:21:32 +0000

When parents are getting divorced, the children or even just one child may start taking sides with one or the other, even if you’ve tried to keep them out of it. So, what do you do when a child is taking sides in a divorce, and even worse, when your ex is doing nothing to heal the breach–and maybe even encouraging it?

It’s a tough situation. Children should not be drawn into the adult issues of divorce or be encouraged to take sides. Mental health experts say that children in such situations can suffer long-lasting psychological damage, including increased anxiety and depression and poorer academic performance. The less conflict the kids experience during and after the divorce, the more likely they are to move happily forward with their lives and develop healthy, loving relationships.

Your ex should support you in ensuring that the kids maintain a positive relationship with both parents and avoid deepening any division. But if your ex is angry and hostile and refuses to address the issue or insists that there’s no problem, you’ll have to take matters into your own hands as best you can.

Tips for when a child is taking sides in the divorce

Control Your Emotions

The most important thing you can do to heal the rift in your family is to stay in control of your emotions. Even if a child is pushing your buttons, accusing you of ruining the marriage, don’t react defensively and start firing off all the ways your spouse contributed to the end of the marriage.

Kids should not be put in the middle of the divorce or made to carry their parent’s emotional weight. Ultimately, they’ll remember which parent made them feel this burden the most. If your ex is pressuring them to take sides, they’ll eventually begin to resent it, especially if your home offers peace and no pressure.

Listen to Your Children

Children of divorce need a safe emotional space to vent their feelings and opinions. Take the time to listen to each child’s viewpoint with empathy, your full attention, and without judging, criticizing, or even offering solutions. Children want to be heard and understood, so take care to use language that validates their feelings.

For example, you might say: “I can understand why you feel that way…” or “That must be very difficult….” You can also offer non-verbal reassurance–hugs or a squeeze of the hand–to show that you care and understand. Above all else, compartmentalize your feelings, even if what you’re hearing is painful.

Don’t Be Too Quick to Blame Your Ex for the Kids’ Issues

Remember that children may naturally align with one parent or the other without any encouragement from the other parent, so don’t assume that your ex is necessarily pushing a particular agenda. Sometimes kids might align with a parent whom they believe was wronged by the other parent, such as in cases of infidelity.

In addition, keep in mind that sibling rivalry often increases after divorce because each child feels that they have to compete for more of their parents’ attention. Your children might be taking sides because they’re seeking attention from “their” parent. If you believe sibling rivalry could be at the root of the difficulties–or even if you don’t–try to carve out equal amounts of quality time for each of your kids and reassure them of your love for them.

But even if your ex is responsible for the behavior, avoid blaming the ex in front of the kids. Placing blame can backfire badly. Trust that eventually your kids will wise up to their parent’s unhealthy antics. That said, if you believe your co-parent is trying to alienate the children from you, speak to your lawyer immediately.

Help Siblings to Work Through Conflict

If your children’s disagreements about the divorce are serious, you’ll need to help them work through their conflict. Help them to express their feelings without resorting to insults and to empathize with the feelings of their siblings, even if they don’t agree.

Be Patient

It’s going to take some time for your children to settle into their new life. Don’t be surprised if things are rocky for a while as they figure out their feelings. Just hang in there and continue to be the most supportive, loving parent that you can be.

Divorce Attorney, Founder, The Miller Law Group

Katherine E. Miller is a Divorce Attorney, who is also a certified mediator and a trained collaborative divorce professional. In practice for over 30 years and personally divorced, Miller is the founder of the Miller Law Group, all women’s boutique law firm with seven divorce professionals. Miller is also the Director at the Center for Understanding in Conflict, the organization that teaches mediation, collaborative law and other conflict resolution skills, and she hosts the podcast and radio show, “Divorce Dialogues.” Additionally, Miller is the former president of the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals. She is a graduate of Vassar College and Fordham University school of Law. Learn more: Miller-law.com.

Like this article? Check out: Divorce after 30 years of Marriage or More

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Dominic Levent Solicitors

Email: Enquiries@dominiclevent.com

Phone: 020 8347 6640

Url: https://www.dominiclevent.com

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Civil litigation: Relief from sanctions

spainops — Mon, 07 Oct 2024 10:56:01 +0000

The recent judgment of Mr Justice Calver in Invest Bank PSC v El-Husseini demonstrates the hard stance a court will take when parties fail to adhere to court timelines, thus hindering the efficient conduct of litigation.

The case involved a dispute over alleged fraudulent asset transfers whereby Invest Bank, a United Arab Emirates-based bank, claimed that Mr El-Husseini transferred assets at an undervalue to avoid paying debts and putting his assets out of reach to creditors. In doing so, Invest Bank challenged the authenticity of the divorce papers between El-Husseini and his ex-wife. The bank asserted that while the couple may formally have divorced in August 2017, they continued to behave as though they were married.

Invest Bank filed a notice to prove (the notice) to challenge the authenticity of the divorce papers. However, the notice was served almost two weeks late with an application for relief from sanctions being eventually submitted three months later. The bank’s failure to act promptly meant the trial timeline had to be adjusted to accommodate the application.

Timeline

Interpretation of CPR 32.19

The first consideration for the court was whether an application for relief from sanctions was necessary. To determine this, the court looked at the meaning of Civil Procedure Rule 32.19 to consider whether the service of the notice on 14 March 2024 was indeed regarded as late service.

Calver J held that a party would be deemed to admit the authenticity of a document disclosed under Part 31 unless it served notice that it wished the document to be proved at trial, with that notice to be served by the latest date of the primary witness statements, not supplemental witness statements.

Otherwise, he considered that, as supplemental witness statements could potentially be served at any time before trial, there was a risk that there would not be enough time to gather the necessary evidence to establish the genuineness of the challenged document.

Accordingly, as of 2 March, Invest Bank was deemed to have admitted the authenticity of the divorce agreement so the bank was almost two weeks late with its service of the notice on 14 March.

Calver J held that the purpose of CPR 32.19 is to ensure timely notice is given of any challenge to authenticity so that the party whose document is so challenged can determine what evidence it is necessary to obtain to meet the challenge.

Relief from sanctions

Since the notice was not served in time, the bank required the court to grant an extension of time pursuant to CPR 3.1(2)(a) and relief from sanctions under CPR 3.9 following the three-stage test set out in Denton v TH White Ltd [2014] 1 WLR 795:

Stage 1. First, the court must consider the seriousness and significance of the failure to serve the notice in time. Invest Bank had served its notice almost two weeks late, made its application for relief three months later and the nature of its challenge to authenticity had only been articulated the day before the trial was due to start on exchange of the skeleton arguments. The defendants were, therefore, deprived of a proper opportunity to adduce further witness evidence to counter the case advanced so that the efficient conduct of litigation had been adversely affected.

Stage 2. The court must consider the reason for the breach of time limits. There was no good reason for the delays, which Invest Bank admitted was an ‘oversight’. Three months had passed since the notice was served with the application for relief from sanctions only issued on 14 June. At the PTR in May, this procedural point was raised but the application was still not issued until a month later.

Stage 3. The court must consider the need for litigation to be conducted efficiently and at proportionate cost. The bank’s failure to act promptly meant the trial timeline had to be adjusted to accommodate the application. The biggest hurdle, however, was that the use of the notice was a back-door attempt to allege forgery, which the bank had not pleaded. The point of challenging authenticity was to argue that the document was forged, and, if allowed, that would involve adducing expert evidence as to forgery and amending the pleadings, which would inevitably disrupt the trial timetable. However, there was no pleaded case as to the genuineness of the divorce agreement; it was not alleged that the divorce agreement was a forgery or a sham, so granting relief would serve no useful purpose.

Conclusion

The court ruled that the bank’s late service of almost two weeks was serious and without good reason. It had caused significant disruption to trial preparation and the court was therefore satisfied that it was not appropriate to grant the bank’s application for relief from sanctions. Furthermore, the court ruled that, in this case, a notice was an inappropriate vehicle to challenge the document.

This case serves as a reminder to adhere to court timelines. Failing to meet deadlines and filing inappropriate notices wastes court time. Such failures are not treated lightly and can result in severe consequences.

John McElroy is vice-president of the London Solicitors Litigation Association and partner at Fieldfisher. Jessica Solsberg is a solicitor at Fieldfisher

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Why businesses should opt for mediation to solve rows

spainops — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 11:57:00 +0000

Personal Finance

Why businesses should opt for mediation to solve rows

Monday March 28 2022

By CATHY MPUTHIA
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Summary

More businesses are becoming litigious owing to better awareness of the law and their rights. Litigation is very costly and it includes the cost of legal and court filing fees.
Experts have noted that reduction of civil litigation cost does not only require the legal department to stay within its budget but also the company to monitor the cost of litigation.
A survey of Fortune 500 companies found that they had spent $210 billion on litigation between 2012-2013.

According to research, litigation cost has increased over the years and it is eating into corporate earnings.

More businesses are becoming litigious owing to better awareness of the law and their rights. Litigation is very costly and it includes the cost of legal and court filing fees.

A civil litigation cost index has been developed to measure the cost to companies.

Many firms have legal departments, which are provided with a litigation budget.

Experts have noted that reduction of civil litigation cost does not only require the legal department to stay within its budget but also the company to monitor the cost of litigation.

A survey of Fortune 500 companies found that they had spent $210 billion on litigation between 2012-2013.

Some of the disputes revolved around intellectual property infringement and enforcement and required the services of highly specialised lawyers. Specialised lawyers do not come cheap. The intellectual property dispute between Samsung and Apple, for instance, has been estimated at $1.8 billion according to reports.

From the survey, it was found that the aggregate money spent on litigation did not include the settlement amount, which is a further cost to the company.

Some court decisions can affect company value negatively. According to an online article, a ruling against Pennzoil caused its market value to fall by $1.8 billion within seven days.

A further litigation cost is the amount of time it takes to finalise a case. In Kenya, litigation is a long process. At times it makes little economic sense to litigate in the first place.

For this reason, alternative dispute resolution methods are becoming increasingly relevant. I would recommend the adoption of mediation as a dispute resolution tool.

Mediation is an out-of-court settlement, which is structured and which enables parties to resolve the dispute through an impartial third party known as the mediator. Trained mediators can pick up the issues quickly and guide the parties into settling the core issues.

Mediation helps parties preserve relationships. It is not a hostile process, unlike litigation where there is a winner and a loser. Mediation helps parties get to a win-win settlement further strengthening their bond.

Mediation settlements are private. Therefore, the reputation and image of the disputants are preserved. In the Pennzoil case, an adverse ruling affected its market share. However, with mediation the public may not be privy to the settlement details, preserving the image of the company.

Mediation has the added advantage of cutting costs. It helps companies reduce litigation costs. As illustrated above, the litigation costs can be quite high. Mediation is affordable. On top of that mediation is faster and helps parties save time.

Mediation is convenient as it happens at a place and time convenient to both parties.

In Kenya, leading disputes in the corporate sector have gone into mediation. Keroche Breweries and Kenya Revenue Authority were able to reach an amicable settlement over a tax dispute that would have led to the closure of the former’s factory.

Mediation was able to improve the relationship between the parties and provide a win-win settlement for both parties. It cut costs and time that would have been spent if the matter were to be litigated.

Mediation is highly encouraged for businesses as opposed to litigation. I would urge companies to adopt mediation structures and policies if they have already not done so. It is also prudent to have mediation as a dispute resolution option during contract drafting.

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