Breaking up is hard to do, but divorce? That takes the cake. All kinds of things can lead to a split, from the token celebrity-cited \u201cirreconcilable differences\u201d to a messy affair, or the loss of anything remotely close to the spark you felt in the good old days.<\/p>\n
And often, the reason you cross the line from forever to never again traces back to your dating days. \u201cSometimes people want a divorce for the same reason they might have had doubts of going into the relationship,\u201d Elizabeth Cohen<\/u><\/a>, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York says. \u201cIt\u2019s usually the things that bothered you before, they just compounded over so long that you know it\u2019s not going to change.\u201d<\/p>\n Of course, you presumably wanted to be together (at least at some point) if you got married. But it\u2019s hard as hell for people to change in the ways you may need them to in order to maintain a healthy marriage where both of you can ~thrive~. That\u2019s why getting a divorce can feel like a slow burn. \u201cIt\u2019s likely the decision comes after years and years of contemplating and trying to make the marriage work,\u201d says Erin Levine<\/u><\/a>, family law attorney and founder of Hello Divorce<\/u><\/a>, a legal assistance platform.<\/p>\n While the reasons for a divorce are unique to the relationship, here are the issues that a divorce lawyer and psychologist say pop up most often:<\/p>\n The crux of any relationship is communication, Cohen says. Sure, you typically hear reasons for divorce like money disagreements, commitment issues and the other things in this list, but Levine reminds us that these problems are also rooted in a breakdown of communication. <\/p>\n If you can\u2019t talk your ish out in a way both partners understand, all that\u2019s left is an unproductive argument and growing resentment. \u201cYour behavior might not match what your partner needs,\u201d Cohen says. That\u2019s why divorce often waits at the bottom of that slippery slope. <\/p>\n According to a study in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy<\/u><\/em><\/a>, nearly half of recently divorced<\/u><\/a> <\/strong>respondents cited a lack of love or intimacy as the reason for their separation. Instead of one big betrayal, sometimes just growing apart and losing your romantic feelings can end a marriage. \u201cThere\u2019s this overarching feeling of distance that happens over time,\u201d Cohen says. <\/p>\n Along with the \u201cI love you, but I\u2019m not in love with you\u201d realization, a dormant bedroom life<\/u> is also a factor for divorce<\/u><\/a>. There\u2019s nothing shameful about a dry spell, but a lack of physical affection\u2014sexy times and long bear hugs included\u2014can cause serious disconnect. \u201cPeople start telling themselves like, \u2018Okay, well the lack of intimacy, I can handle that.\u2019 But ultimately it just becomes too much for them\u201d Levine says. <\/p>\n People come to Levine\u2019s practice saying that they\u2019ve felt misunderstood and unheard in the marriage. \u201cThey tell me, \u2018Here I am in a relationship and it feels like I\u2019m all alone,\u2019\u201d she says. Though they might have full and exciting personal lives, they’ll feel like they’re no longer working as a unit with their spouse, whether that’s because their priorities for the future of shifted or because they realize they simply don’t have much in common with their partners anymore. That disconnect and loneliness<\/u><\/a> <\/strong>can be reason enough for divorce. \u201cSimilarity between two partners helps predict who stays together and who doesn’t,\u201d says Terri Orbuch, PhD, author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship<\/u><\/em><\/a> and professor at Oakland University. \u201cIf you marry too early, or haven\u2019t been able to identify who you are and what\u2019s important to you, then you can\u2019t choose the best partner.\u201d While you want to be in it for the long haul, maybe you rushed down the aisle or weren\u2019t fully in tune with yourself when you said \u201cI do\u201d. That\u2019s when a crop of clashes\u2014think: differing values, emotional baggage from past flings, and a lack of real trust\u2014pop up and put you on the road to divorce.<\/p>\n When the National Center for Biotechnology Information<\/u><\/a> asked 52 people what contributed to their divorce in 2013, a third of them named substance abuse a factor that contributed to the end of their marriages. Whether it\u2019s drugs, alcohol, or another damaging vice, Levine notes that substance abuse is often a factor in divorces she sees in her practice. If a partner doesn\u2019t want to get help or they become a threat to their partner\u2019s safety, it\u2019s often a straw that breaks the camel\u2019s back. <\/p>\n Abuse, from physical harm to emotional manipulation like a partner withdrawing affection as punishment, leaves people feeling powerless. Separating from the abusive partner\u2014in a safe and supported way\u2014is the best way to regain your safety. Abuse differs from other causes for divorce in that \u201cit\u2019s not a relationship issue, but something that is within your partner,” Orbuch says. In the same NCBI<\/u><\/a> study, around a quarter of respondents said domestic violence led to their divorce. <\/p>\n1. Communication Problems<\/h2>\n
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2. Falling Out Of Love<\/h2>\n
3. There\u2019s No Intimacy<\/h2>\n
4. It\u2019s Not A Partnership Anymore<\/h2>\n
5. You Weren\u2019t Ready For Marriage<\/strong><\/h2>\n
6. Addiction<\/h2>\n
7. Domestic Abuse<\/h2>\n
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