grow old together<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cI was supposed to retire in a few years, but now I have to go back to work because of the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was supposed to be on his health insurance, but now I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m going to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
Supposed to\u2026<\/p>\n
I should be\u2026.<\/p>\n
Sound familiar?<\/p>\n
Ah, the language of expectations. Or rather, unmet expectations that now haunt us.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s these expectations we had about our lives and marriages and how things \u201cwere supposed to be\u201d that are now keeping us stuck. It\u2019s those unmet expectations that are holding you back and maybe making you feel angry or resentful.<\/p>\n
But here\u2019s a truth bomb for you, my friends.<\/p>\n
We have a hard time recovering because we can\u2019t f*cking let go of what we expected or assumed about how our life would be.<\/p>\n
We subconsciously think of our marriage and other relationships as a vending machine.\u00a0We assume that if we put X amount of time into a relationship, or make X amount of sacrifices over the course of a marriage, than we are entitled and guaranteed a certain output, a certain \u201cY.\u201d<\/p>\n
But guess what?<\/p>\n
That\u2019s not how it works.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s what you need to know: This idea that if we made sacrifices, we\u2019ll be rewarded, is absolute bullshit. But as women, we drank that Kool-Aid because that\u2019s what our misguided puritanical society told us. From an early age, we\u2019re fed the lie that if we are good and work hard enough and make the sacrifices and do all those things that good girls do and check off the list of putting our spouse\u2019s needs before our own, and we focus on their goals and not our own goals, and we define ourselves as a couple and not as an individual, then, that means we get the payout of a comfortable retirement, financial security, and a stable and comfortable marriage where we\u2019ll grow old with that person.<\/p>\n
But seeing that you\u2019re reading this, you know<\/em> that\u2019s not how your algebra equation worked out.<\/p>\nYou know<\/em> that regardless of how many coins you put into that shitty office vending machine, and no matter how many times you pushed the E3 button for that Snickers, and no matter how many times you pounded the machine when the little whirly thing got stuck on the candy bar that wouldn\u2019t drop, and no matter how many times you stuck your hand in that little door at the bottom of the machine, you didn\u2019t get what you put into it.<\/p>\nYour investment did not pay off.<\/p>\n
The algebra equation did not turn out.<\/p>\n
You were not rewarded for your sacrifices.<\/p>\n
Ta-da! Your expectations were not met.<\/p>\n
And how does that make you feel?<\/p>\n
Does it make you angry? Bitter? Did it make you feel like you got the short end of the stick? Did it make you feel like you were the latest victim in a Ponzi scheme? Have you caught yourself saying, \u201cI did everything in that relationship and now I\u2019m the one who has to start over, while that SOB is in a new relationship, or taking trips to Mexico pre-COVID, and I\u2019m here alone just struggling to get by. I feel like I wasted the best years of my life with that jerk. And I\u2019m left with nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
And you know what? All of it is true. And all of your feelings are valid.<\/p>\n
Great, you\u2019re right. But now what? What do you do now?<\/p>\n
When your expectations haven\u2019t been met, you\u2019ve got two choices, and two choices only.<\/p>\n
You can choose to remain in that space of feeling like you got screwed over with the divorce or breakup. You wouldn\u2019t be wrong. It\u2019s understandable, but it\u2019s not going to get you anywhere. Or\u2026<\/p>\n
You can take that stuff to the next level and f*ckin\u2019 do something about it.<\/em><\/p>\nHey, I\u2019m not saying you need to just put on a happy face and be fake and make a vision board and do that \u201coh, I\u2019m soooo glad we\u2019re consciously uncoupling\u201d BS.<\/p>\n
But here\u2019s how you can start taking action.<\/p>\n
Step 1:<\/strong> Take a quick survey of everything you still have and write that shit down. Be exhaustive and specific about it. Do you have your health? Do you have any kind of income coming in? Do you have a job? Do you have health insurance? Do you have a support system? Do you have a good therapist? Do you have a divorce coach? Do you have interests or hobbies you would love to pursue but haven\u2019t had a chance to? Do you have goals and aspirations and dreams that are yours alone that nobody can take from you? Write. It. All. Down.<\/em><\/p>\nStep 2:<\/strong> If you are lacking in any of those areas that you listed, write down exactly<\/em> where you would like to be with those things that have nothing<\/em> to do with your ex. For example, if you were expecting that you\u2019d be on your ex\u2019s health insurance and you\u2019re not, what can you do now to make sure you\u2019re covered? To whom can you reach out to help you figure that out? If you were expecting to stay in your house where you\u2019ve lived for the past 20 years but you can\u2019t swing the mortgage, what can you do to find a housing situation that you can afford? If you are going to have to go back to work when you thought you\u2019d retire in five years, what things can you do finance wise (taking on a second job, cutting down on expenses, etc.) to make sure you\u2019ll still be okay?<\/p>\nHere\u2019s what we\u2019re doing here. We\u2019re shifting the mind frame of not getting what we expected, to taking ACTION to making sure that we\u2019ll be okay, regardless. Doing so accomplishes a ton of good for us.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s shaking us out of our learned helplessness, where we think we\u2019re going to be stuck and miserable because our life circumstances changed.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s forcing us to get up and empower ourselves and let us be in charge of our own future. It doesn\u2019t matter if your life is now different than you expected. That point is completely moot so it\u2019s not even worth wasting your time thinking about. You have too much work to do to keep ruminating on how thing didn\u2019t go.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s building the resilience you deserve and showing you how strong you really are, even if you don\u2019t know it yet. By shifting the focus on you<\/em>, defining your future for yourself, and no longer relying on somebody who obviously wasn\u2019t that dependable anyway, you get to take matters into your own hands.<\/p>\nBecause, like it or not, you don\u2019t have a choice.<\/p>\n
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