In the eight years I have been writing about divorce, it amazes me how similar the stories are. Names, faces, and specifics change, but I see commonalities in most every situation.<\/p>\n
\u201cI finally filed for divorce myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t realize he was using pornography so heavily.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI really think he (she) must have some type of mental illness.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe (she) is blaming me for the divorce even though he (she) was the one having an affair.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is so hard to forgive when he (she) is constantly pushing my buttons!\u201d<\/p>\n
I have been leading a support group via Zoom for six months. Our very first meeting, these were all statements that were made by multiple individuals within the group. They also reflect my own story.<\/p>\n
I know as Christians, we must protect the sanctity of marriage. However, as I have said before, most Christians are not divorcing because they are squabbling over money or other minor issues. Most Christians divorce only after major problems caused by one spouse\u2019s abusive, addictive, adulterous behavior. I hear the stories every day, and these threads seem to run through most every story.<\/p>\n
Refusing to file for divorce<\/em><\/strong>. My husband left our marriage long before we divorced. His affair (and refusal to repent) ended our marriage, but we continued to live under the same roof. I fought long and hard to save our marriage, but I finally realized I couldn\u2019t save it alone.<\/p>\n I finally made the decision that I could not live in the dysfunctional environment. I finally decided I could not tolerate the abuse of ongoing adultery. I finally decided I needed to be brave enough, strong enough, to stand up to the abuse.<\/p>\n So I filed for divorce.<\/p>\n And do you know what happened? He used that to blame the divorce on me. After all, I was the one who filed. I was the one who kicked him out. He could somehow ignore the three years of ongoing adultery and make it my fault because I was strong enough to stand up to the abuse.<\/p>\n It happens all the time. The abuser makes life a living hell<\/a>, but refuses to end the marriage. Eventually, the victimized spouse decides it is time to legally acknowledge what has already taken place in the marriage. And, the abuser uses that to draw sympathy from others.<\/p>\n Which leads to another common theme in divorce\u2026<\/p>\n Playing the victim<\/em><\/strong>. \u00a0As I said before, my ex-husband used my actions to blame the divorce on me. Multiple people have told me the stories of how I just woke up one morning and didn\u2019t love him anymore and wanted to marry someone else. Somehow, the years of his adultery and ongoing abuse are glossed over. It was all my fault.<\/p>\n Some of the stories I have heard; others, I just have to imagine. I am absolutely certain I was controlling with finances\u2026even though I begged him for 17 years to join me in budgeting. I know I treated him like another child\u2026even though he refused to help with any adult activities around the house.<\/p>\n Over the years\u2014and especially after the divorce\u2014I was the cause of all problems, the cause of our divorce. And I hear it repeatedly. There is a sickening epidemic of victim mentality, of refusing to acknowledge shortcomings. When it comes to divorce, it is yet another common theme.<\/p>\n Pornography addictions<\/em><\/strong>. I always knew pornography was in our home, but I had no idea how pervasive it was. When the internet first entered our home, I happened upon some unsavory websites in our browser history. He would promise not to look again. We would use a filtering browser. We would do everything in our power to keep the filth out.<\/p>\n And yet, he would find ways around it.<\/p>\n Multiple computers were destroyed by malware because of websites he looked at. Yet, I had no idea how pervasive it was in our lives until after our divorce when I began to dive into the truth about pornography. As I reflect on our marriage, I see the many ways pornography affected our lives. Most importantly, I see that I was an object to be used for his gratification\u2014not the treasured gift a wife is supposed to be. I was never treated as an equal but instead simply used to benefit him. When you read about the effects of pornography on the brain, our relationship epitomizes a pornography addiction.<\/p>\n
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