It\u2019s not an unusual position to be in. Some 14.8 million American<\/a> adults deal with a major depressive disorder, and their illness often takes quite a toll on them as well as on their partners<\/a>. A number of studies<\/a> have even tied mental disorders such as depression to a heightened risk of divorce.<\/p>\n But like many people, Waters says she\u2019s determined to make her 14-year marriage work. And it turns out there are some solid methods for divorce-proofing your marriage in the face of depression.<\/p>\n Know the signs.<\/strong> According to Murray, a true diagnosis of depression\u2014rather than sadness, which everyone feels from time-to-time\u2014is characterized by a two-week period of at least five of the following:<\/p>\n MORE:<\/strong>\u00a0Here’s How Changing Your Diet Could Fix Your Gut Issues And Cure Your Depression<\/a><\/p>\n Be gentle.<\/strong> Murray suggests using some variation of this script: “I love you and our life together. I’ve been watching you suffer for a while, and it doesn’t seem to be getting better. I want to help you and help our family, so I am going to make an appointment with our family doctor and I will go with you to the appointment. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of or any reason why you should feel weak. I know what a strong person you are and how well you fight things. I think you’ve done your best to fight this and now we need to seek professional help so that our family can enjoy each other again.” (See how 8 couples broke through their biggest relationship hurdles<\/a>.)<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n If your spouse is resistant to seeking treatment, \u201ckeep in mind that your partner is not thinking clearly or well,\u201d says Tina Tessina, PhD, a psychotherapist and author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.<\/a><\/em> You might have better luck first suggesting a couples’ therapy session. Emphasize that you want to discuss your concerns with a professional and that it’s important for both of you to be present.<\/p>\n Be a partner, not a parent.<\/strong> \u201cHelp your partner remember to take medicine, keep doctors appointments, and do whatever exercise, at-home procedures, or other self-care measures are necessary,\u201d says Tessina. Whatever you do, Tessina says to be mindful that your spouse is still a grownup: \u201cMake sure these things are still your partner’s responsibility. Both of you will feel better if you are supportive, not parental.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n MORE:<\/strong>\u00a05 Ways To Hold Up Your End Of The Relationship When You Have Depression<\/a><\/p>\n Leave treatment to the experts.<\/strong> Murray adds that spouses are sometimes tempted to \u201cplay doctor,\u201d advising a partner to alter their medication or stop taking it altogether because they seem \u201cbetter.” \u201cThe depressed person may be feeling better partially because they are on the medication that is giving needed chemicals to the brain,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n Redefine romance.<\/strong> Tessina suggests finding as many ways as possible to let each other know you love one another. \u201cDo whatever you can to keep your physical connection alive within the limits of the illness,\u201d she says. \u201cHave as much fun as you can, every chance you get. Make it a challenge to discover new ways to enjoy each other, and to relax and laugh together.\u201d (Check out the 10 things connected couples do<\/a>.)<\/p>\n That\u2019s what has helped Brandie Waters and her husband. \u201cWe both had to learn that we had to listen to each other,\u201d she says. \u201cHe has made me realize that you don’t need dinner out in a fancy restaurant to have a date, and he tells me how much he appreciates everything I do, which means a lot.”<\/p>\n MORE:<\/strong>\u00a07 Little Things You Can Do During Sex To Boost Your Bond With Your Partner<\/a><\/p>\n Put yourself first once in a while.<\/strong> Take time alone\u2014even if it means asking a friend or family member to stay with your partner for a few hours. If your spouse isn\u2019t up for driving himself to medical appointments, see if family or friends can shoulder some of the burden.<\/p>\n Most importantly, Tessina says, \u201cDon’t feel bad about going off on your own from time to time. You need it!\u201d<\/p>\n Meanwhile, make an effort to connect with others who really know what you’re going through, says Maggie May Ethridge, who wrote a memoir<\/a> about her 15-year marriage to a man with bipolar disorder and depression. She says that joining a support group or even just reading a book written by someone who’s been in a similar situation may help you better understand the disease and the treatment process. These steps can also help you cope with “the inevitable feelings of anger and frustration” as they arise, she says. (Here are 7 types of friends every woman needs in her life<\/a>.)<\/p>\n Don\u2019t give up.<\/strong> \u201cIf you can shift your thinking and realize that the illness<\/em> is the enemy of your marriage, then you can develop more of a team approach and collectively decide how to jointly tackle the challenge. That will make you feel more connected and make it easier to withstand difficulties together.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n It\u2019s not an unusual position to be in. Some 14.8 million American adults deal with a major depressive disorder, and their illness often takes quite a toll on them as well as on their partners. A number of studies have even tied mental disorders such as depression to a heightened risk of divorce. But like … <\/p>\n
Often the first person to spot a spouse\u2019s depression is their husband or wife, says Jill Murray, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Laguna Niguel, California. Seeing something and doing something about it is one key to helping your spouse get better while keeping your marriage healthy, too. (Here are 9 surprising depression symptoms<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n
If you feel like you need to talk to your partner about getting help, wade in slowly. Like diabetes or cancer, depression is a disease. Attacking someone won\u2019t fix their depression, and it can have a long-term negative impact on a relationship.<\/p>\n
Managing depression is rarely as simple as taking a pain reliever for a headache. You will need to be as patient and supportive as possible during the treatment process, and it might not always be easy.<\/p>\n
Once a partner is in therapy or on medication, it\u2019s important to let the professionals take the lead role. \u201cRegular checkups with medical providers can be helpful, as those familiar with treating depression are able to inquire about symptoms in a nonjudgmental and more objective manner than a spouse often can,\u201d says Courtney Johnson, PhD, a neuropsychologist at the Indiana University Health Neuroscience Center<\/a> in Indianapolis. (If you are going to see your doctor, make sure you ask them these important questions<\/a>.)<\/p>\n
Depression can take a toll on your sex life, so it may seem especially cruel that the medications designed to treat it often have sexual side effects<\/a>. Recognizing it\u2019s not your partner\u2019s fault\u2014and it\u2019s not personal\u2014can go a long way toward helping the relationship over the hurdle.<\/p>\n
When a spouse is struggling with depression, research has found that your own depression risk climbs<\/a>. That\u2019s why Johnson says self-care is important, perhaps more now than ever. It will help you maintain your own mental health and help prevent resentments from building up in your relationship.<\/p>\n
While depression can certainly strain a marriage, it doesn’t have to destroy it. In fact, so long as the partner struggling with mental illness gets the right help, experts say that you may ultimately end up forging a deeper connection.<\/p>\n
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