{"id":17187,"date":"2017-10-23T07:59:04","date_gmt":"2017-10-23T07:59:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/?p=17187"},"modified":"2019-04-17T17:16:08","modified_gmt":"2019-04-17T17:16:08","slug":"is-taking-a-marriage-sabbatical-the-key-to-avoiding-late-life-divorce-or-a-recipe-for-disaster-ask","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/is-taking-a-marriage-sabbatical-the-key-to-avoiding-late-life-divorce-or-a-recipe-for-disaster-ask\/","title":{"rendered":"Is taking a marriage sabbatical the key to avoiding late life divorce? Or a recipe for disaster, ask&#8230;"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div itemprop=\"articleBody\">\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">On the last day of 2016, I found myself stomping around my mother\u2019s kitchen, convinced that my husband of 21 years was going to leave me for a Kenyan climbing guide.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">\u2018He does love those mountains,\u2019 Mum agreed. \u2018But he\u2019s a decent man. He might only leave you for a short while.\u2019<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">A thought struck her. \u2018Isn\u2019t it like that book you\u2019ve just written? It\u2019s nearly like you made this happen.\u2019<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">True. I was finishing a novel, The Break, about a man who asks his wife for six months off \u2018for good behaviour\u2019 to do all the things he\u2019d missed out on because he was married. Was life imitating art?<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">I love my husband a huge amount. Even so, I feel that a romantic relationship is just like any other: one with a sibling, a long-term friend or a colleague (except for the sex bit, and we\u2019ll get to that).<\/p>\n<div class=\"artSplitter mol-img-group\" style=\"\">\n<div class=\"mol-img\">\n<div class=\"image-wrap\">\n        <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" id=\"i-9ee77c413b9c73fb\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"http:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/i\/pix\/2017\/10\/22\/21\/4594179E00000578-5006293-image-a-3_1508703002762.jpg\" height=\"661\" width=\"634\" alt=\"Marian Keyes (pictured right on her wedding day) shared the unexpected sabbatical from her marriage after 21 years together\u00a0\" class=\"blkBorder img-share\" \/><\/div>\n<p>    <noscript><\/p>\n<p>    <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" id=\"i-9ee77c413b9c73fb\" src=\"http:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/i\/pix\/2017\/10\/22\/21\/4594179E00000578-5006293-image-a-3_1508703002762.jpg\" height=\"661\" width=\"634\" alt=\"Marian Keyes (pictured right on her wedding day) shared the unexpected sabbatical from her marriage after 21 years together\u00a0\" class=\"blkBorder img-share\" \/><\/noscript><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"imageCaption\">Marian Keyes (pictured right on her wedding day) shared the unexpected sabbatical from her marriage after 21 years together\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">Sometimes you\u2019ll be in perfect harmony, loving the same stuff, never running out of things to talk about, laughing like drains; and then \u2014 suddenly \u2014 the sound of them eating an apple will make you want to bury an axe in their head.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">The younger me would be appalled by my pragmatism. I spent my 20s looking to be completed, hoping for a man to appear from nowhere and Polyfilla the holes in my soul.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">I thought love was jealous misunderstandings, shouty departures, slammed doors, dramatic reunions and finally, a perfect life in which I\u2019d never again face loneliness, insecurity, infidelity, abandonment, fear or boredom.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">A glittering lacquer called Love would deliver a steady feed of those similar-to-cocaine chemicals that mark the start of a relationship. Love would take care of itself, requiring no input from me or Polyfilla Man.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">When I was 30, I met The One. The Best Man in the World. (Saying this fills me with a terror of being struck down by the god of smugness.) There were far fewer of the histrionics I thought were compulsory.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">We were friends first. He was quiet and kind \u2014 qualities that weren\u2019t on the list for my ideal man, which included such delights as: \u2018Artistic. Tormented. Prone to sudden, destructive rages. Liable to disappear for four days without explanation.\u2019<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">At the wedding, a couple of well-meaning old-timers had the temerity (as I saw it) to issue solemn warnings that marriage \u2018takes work\u2019. I was polite, but secretly scornful \u2014 clearly they had married the wrong person, unlike me, who had taken the precaution of marrying Mr Perfect.<\/p>\n<div class=\"artSplitter mol-img-group\" style=\"\">\n<div class=\"mol-img\">\n<div class=\"image-wrap\">\n        <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" id=\"i-c453789a106d07b3\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"http:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/i\/pix\/2017\/10\/22\/21\/4594177F00000578-5006293-image-m-5_1508703043393.jpg\" height=\"661\" width=\"634\" alt=\"Marian was warned that becoming the household breadwinner could emasculate her husband and cause problems within their marriage\u00a0\" class=\"blkBorder img-share\" \/><\/div>\n<p>    <noscript><\/p>\n<p>    <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" id=\"i-c453789a106d07b3\" src=\"http:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/i\/pix\/2017\/10\/22\/21\/4594177F00000578-5006293-image-m-5_1508703043393.jpg\" height=\"661\" width=\"634\" alt=\"Marian was warned that becoming the household breadwinner could emasculate her husband and cause problems within their marriage\u00a0\" class=\"blkBorder img-share\" \/><\/noscript><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"imageCaption\">Marian was warned that becoming the household breadwinner could emasculate her husband and cause problems within their marriage\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">In addition, I had no idea what this \u2018work\u2019 entailed. I had vague notions about never going to bed on an argument, keeping the magic alive, blah-dee-blah. The old-timers should have given specifics. But not to worry. All in the fullness of time.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">When we got married, my husband was the one with the good job. Less than a year later, I got a book deal and became our household\u2019s breadwinner. Himself gave up his job to work as my assistant, a temporary arrangement that became permanent and, once again, people ponied up unwelcome advice.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">According to some naysayers, the implosion of my marriage was inevitable because we spent too much time together. Others warned that by bringing home the bacon, I was emasculating my husband and it was only a matter of time before he remasculated himself by having an affair, which would have been catastrophic because I have a zero-tolerance policy on infidelity.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">As far back as my teenage years, my girlfriends and I were super-sneery about famous women who forgave their cheating partners, decreeing they had no self-respect. We were adamant we\u2019d scratch the cheater\u2019s car, microwave his vinyl and never, ever forgive.<\/p>\n<div class=\"mol-img-group floatRHS\" style=\"\">\n<div class=\"mol-img\">\n<div class=\"image-wrap\">\n        <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" id=\"i-9b178c46f03c1666\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"http:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/i\/pix\/2017\/10\/22\/21\/4594175700000578-5006293-She_says_they_began_hurtling_towards_mid_life_crisis_as_she_inch-m-24_1508705759153.jpg\" height=\"473\" width=\"306\" alt=\"She says they began hurtling towards mid-life crisis as she inched into her 40s\" class=\"blkBorder img-share\" \/><\/div>\n<p>    <noscript><\/p>\n<p>    <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" id=\"i-9b178c46f03c1666\" src=\"http:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/i\/pix\/2017\/10\/22\/21\/4594175700000578-5006293-She_says_they_began_hurtling_towards_mid_life_crisis_as_she_inch-m-24_1508705759153.jpg\" height=\"473\" width=\"306\" alt=\"She says they began hurtling towards mid-life crisis as she inched into her 40s\" class=\"blkBorder img-share\" \/><\/noscript><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"imageCaption\">She says they began hurtling towards mid-life crisis as she inched into her 40s<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">Despite everyone telling me I was doing marriage wrong, my husband (to the best of my knowledge) didn\u2019t have an affair. Neither (to the best of my knowledge) did I. We didn\u2019t implode. In fact, we were happy. He was my favourite person by miles, but I kept that to myself because it\u2019s considered bad form to say you love your person.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">Despite that, we hit bumps in the road. We wanted children and couldn\u2019t have them. My shiny new career generated friction. I worked like a dog, saying yes to everything, afraid that if I didn\u2019t, I wouldn\u2019t be asked again.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">Conflict arose because Himself wanted me to do less and I couldn\u2019t slow down. As well as the external stuff, it came as an unpleasant surprise that my old internal demons were as lively as ever. (They\u2019re nothing special: fear of failure; small, sharp shards of shame; dread of abandonment; horror that that b**** from school is more successful than me.)<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">I had genuinely expected the love of a good man to magic them away. But as the years passed, I understood that no one, no matter how much they love us, can erase the uncomfortable emotions that go with being human. It\u2019s not their job.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">Inching into my 40s, I still loved Himself very much, but from watching the relationships around me, it was clear that even the best connections can unravel. Everything is lose-able, and nothing is guaranteed. Because people change. We\u2019re all changing, sometimes quickly and sometimes all at once.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">If you\u2019re lucky, you both change in roughly the same direction at the same speed. Meanwhile, both Himself and I were hurtling towards mid-life crisis years and I no longer thought our special union had immunity.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">There are forces more powerful than love, such as our wretched lizard brain. It goes along keeping a low profile, then notices we\u2019ve lived more than half of our expected lifespan, realises time is finite and says: \u2018Hold on, I\u2019ve got living to do!\u2019 This \u2018living\u2019 might mean buying an impractical car or running a marathon.<\/p>\n<div class=\"mol-article-quote nochannel floatRHS\" id=\"mol-7864dff0-b76b-11e7-be74-8b488fdcadcf\">\n<p><span class=\"femail-ccox\">What if Himself did run off, but soon changed his mind and came back? Could I live with that?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">But we\u2019ve been conditioned to expect that most of our happiness will come from a relationship, so dissatisfaction tends to be blamed on that. A new person will make us happy again, right?<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">To stave off an attack by a mid-life crisis, I\u2019d now and again \u2018make an effort\u2019. This involved asking Himself questions and behaving like I was listening to his answers. I also issued instructions: \u2018You\u2019re not to have a mid-life crisis.\u2019<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">But the person who had the mid-life crisis was me. Well, I had a crisis and I was 46. But instead of wanting to live more fully, I wanted to die. I spent a couple of grim years in the wasteland of depression. Meanwhile, Himself had his own mid-life crisis: he started climbing mountains.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">I hate any kind of incline, so his mountaineering is done without me. But I worried about him meeting a new lady friend on a snow-covered peak, a person who shared his passion. So whenever he went off, I inquired, in a high-pitched tone, if there were any women in the group.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">The thing is, he\u2019s a decent, loyal person and we\u2019re very close. He insists he can be trusted and I believe he means it \u2014 but I also believe most people are strangers to themselves. Stacked inside us are millions of experiences and longings, most of which never surface. But every so often, something gets triggered that propels us on to a different life path.<\/p>\n<div class=\"artSplitter mol-img-group\" style=\"\">\n<div class=\"mol-img\">\n<div class=\"image-wrap\">\n        <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" id=\"i-ceb58c46dbe1c6b6\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"http:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/i\/pix\/2017\/10\/22\/21\/4594176E00000578-5006293-image-m-12_1508703201954.jpg\" height=\"742\" width=\"634\" alt=\"Marian was comforted by her mother that her husband would stay faithful whilst away climbing in Kenya for 12 days\" class=\"blkBorder img-share\" \/><\/div>\n<p>    <noscript><\/p>\n<p>    <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" id=\"i-ceb58c46dbe1c6b6\" src=\"http:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/i\/pix\/2017\/10\/22\/21\/4594176E00000578-5006293-image-m-12_1508703201954.jpg\" height=\"742\" width=\"634\" alt=\"Marian was comforted by her mother that her husband would stay faithful whilst away climbing in Kenya for 12 days\" class=\"blkBorder img-share\" \/><\/noscript><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"imageCaption\">Marian was comforted by her mother that her husband would stay faithful whilst away climbing in Kenya for 12 days<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">A few years ago, I read about a new kind of mid-life crisis which has developed because we\u2019re all living longer. People affected by this love their partner and ultimately want to stay with them, but if they\u2019re looking down the barrel of another half-century before they peg it, they\u2019re starting to want \u2018a break\u2019.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">Unlike silver-splitters, these people want a sabbatical, not a divorce. Some involve something sexually benign, such as travelling. Other people want a time-limited period to behave as if they\u2019re single again.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">This is a different spin on the traditional mid-life crisis, which features covert infidelity; it\u2019s above-board, sanctioned cheating. \u2018Conscious\u2019, if you will.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">I thought: \u2018Oh great! A new thing to worry about!\u2019 So, oddball that I am, I decided to write about it.<\/p>\n<div class=\"mol-article-quote nochannel floatRHS\" id=\"mol-2a0ce760-b768-11e7-be74-8b488fdcadcf\">\n<p><span class=\"femail-ccox\">Every relationship is a mystery, revealed only to those who are living it; unless it\u2019s abusive, it can have whatever setup they choose<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">The Break is about Hugh and Amy, a couple in their mid-40s who have been together for 18 years. Hugh\u2019s father dies and he suddenly knows, on a cellular level, that one day he will die, too. The seconds and hours of his life are pouring like sand through his hands and he\u2019s panicking that he\u2019ll never again feel the freedom of his youth.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">After soul-searching, he tells Amy he wants to be temporarily single. He\u2019ll get that corrosive yearning out of his system, then he\u2019ll come back and be fine.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">To write the book, I had to put myself in Amy\u2019s shoes and experience her fury, humiliation and, most painful of all, her sorrow. I found it difficult because I love Himself an awful lot.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">Last September, my father-in-law died, then in October, a close friend of ours died. In December, as I was finishing the book, my husband went on a 12-day climb of Mount Kenya. He\u2019d be out of coverage for most of that time.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">When he\u2019d met the rest of his group, he called from a crackly satellite phone to say his goodbyes. I asked how many people were on the climb. \u2018Two,\u2019 he replied. \u2018Plus the guide.\u2019<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">Quickly, I asked if there were any women. A pause. A crackle. \u2018Yes,\u2019 he said. \u2018The guide.\u2019<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">Bizarrely, my next question was: \u2018What nationality is she?\u2019 (In my head I carry a Sexy Nations League.) \u2018Kenyan,\u2019 he said. Then the line went dead.<\/p>\n<div class=\"mol-img-group floatRHS\" style=\"\">\n<div class=\"mol-img\">\n<div class=\"image-wrap\">\n        <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" id=\"i-5f9de1d42f5d0411\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"http:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/i\/pix\/2017\/10\/22\/21\/43B6A7D200000578-5006293-image-a-7_1508703064822.jpg\" height=\"468\" width=\"306\" alt=\"The Break by Marian Keyes (Michael Joseph \u00a320) is out now.\" class=\"blkBorder img-share\" \/><\/div>\n<p>    <noscript><\/p>\n<p>    <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" id=\"i-5f9de1d42f5d0411\" src=\"http:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/i\/pix\/2017\/10\/22\/21\/43B6A7D200000578-5006293-image-a-7_1508703064822.jpg\" height=\"468\" width=\"306\" alt=\"The Break by Marian Keyes (Michael Joseph \u00a320) is out now.\" class=\"blkBorder img-share\" \/><\/noscript><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"imageCaption\">The Break by Marian Keyes (Michael Joseph \u00a320) is out now.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">Instantly I surrendered to my worst fears. I could see it all: him and this fit, fearless Kenyan woman roped together at high altitude, utterly dependant on one another for their very lives.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">My mother provided some wisdom: \u2018Maybe the other man will get off with the girl.\u2019<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">But my imagination had given him altitude sickness, so he\u2019d had to abandon the climb.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">\u2018Himself is very trustworthy,\u2019 Mum said. \u2018You couldn\u2019t meet a better man.\u2019<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">\u2018But his dad has died, he\u2019s come face-to-face with his mortality and there\u2019s every chance he\u2019ll never come back. He\u2019ll set up a small company in Nairobi,\u2019 I said. \u2018Him and this woman. Offering guided mountain climbs to adrenaline junkies.\u2019<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">Mum looked stricken. \u2018Living his best life . . . Like your book.\u2019<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">The rational me knew I was being ridiculous, but the part of me that\u2019s skilled at catastrophising had the upper hand.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">During the days of radio silence, I contemplated my attitude to fidelity. What if Himself did run off, but soon changed his mind and came back? Could I live with that?<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">I didn\u2019t know, but the zero-tolerance attitude of my younger years no longer felt relevant. Rigid templates don\u2019t work because life is lived in nuance.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">And I realised something else: as a society, we\u2019re far too quick to pass judgment on the decisions of others. Every relationship is a mystery, revealed only to those who are living it; unless it\u2019s abusive, it can have whatever setup they choose.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\">As it happened, Himself came back from Kenya \u2014 and revealed that the \u2018other man\u2019 had also been a woman.<\/p>\n<p class=\"mol-para-with-font\"><span class=\"mol-style-bold mol-style-italic\">The Break by Marian Keyes (Michael Joseph \u00a320) is out now.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p><br \/>\n<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.dailymail.co.uk\/femail\/article-5006293\/marriage-sabbatical-key-avoiding-divorce.html\">Source link <\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/contact-us\/\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/footer-300x100.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"200\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-14\" srcset=\"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/footer-300x100.png 300w, https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/footer-150x50.png 150w, https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/footer.png 600w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>On the last day of 2016, I found myself stomping around my mother\u2019s kitchen, convinced that my husband of 21 years was going to leave me for a Kenyan climbing guide. \u2018He does love those mountains,\u2019 Mum agreed. \u2018But he\u2019s a decent man. He might only leave you for a short while.\u2019 A thought struck &hellip; <\/p>\n<p class=\"link-more\"><a href=\"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/is-taking-a-marriage-sabbatical-the-key-to-avoiding-late-life-divorce-or-a-recipe-for-disaster-ask\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\"> &#8220;Is taking a marriage sabbatical the key to avoiding late life divorce? Or a recipe for disaster, ask&#8230;&#8221;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17187","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","entry"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Is taking a marriage sabbatical the key to avoiding late life divorce? 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