{"id":184298,"date":"2022-07-12T18:44:15","date_gmt":"2022-07-12T18:44:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/?p=184298"},"modified":"2022-07-12T18:44:15","modified_gmt":"2022-07-12T18:44:15","slug":"the-one-behavior-thats-the-biggest-predictor-of-divorce-mary-ellen-goggin-jerry-duberstein","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/the-one-behavior-thats-the-biggest-predictor-of-divorce-mary-ellen-goggin-jerry-duberstein\/","title":{"rendered":"The One Behavior That&#8217;s The Biggest Predictor Of Divorce | Mary Ellen Goggin Jerry Duberstein"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<p>Of all the tell-tale signs that a marriage may be in trouble, contempt is the worst.<\/p>\n<p>There are many reasons why contempt in marriage is considered <a href=\"https:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/heartbreak\/behavior-thats-biggest-predictor-divorce\">one of the greatest predictors of divorce<\/a>. And if you&#8217;ve reached this stage, you may not see any way out.<\/p>\n<p>But\u00a0if you can commit to learning how to stop feeling contempt, you can \u2014 even against the odds \u2014 save your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>You can even get past merely saving it to recapturing the love that first brought you together. Even the happiest marriages have their dark moments.<\/p>\n<p class=\"article-body-related-links\"><strong>RELATED:\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/love\/tiny-clue-shouldnt-have-married-my-husband\">This Tiny Clue Is Why I Shouldn\u2019t Have Married My Husband<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/2016285266\/my-wife-divorced-me-because-left-dishes-by-sink\">She doesn\u2019t like the way he leaves dishes in the sink<\/a>\u00a0and assumes he doesn\u2019t care about her feelings. He doesn\u2019t like how much money she spends on clothes and assumes she doesn\u2019t care about their bills.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Criticism in marriage and relationships is an easy pattern to fall into. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse | The Gottman Institute: Relationship Behaviors that Lead to Failure\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/1o30Ps-_8is?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>People get frustrated, tired, angry, and even bored with the &#8220;same ol\u2019 story&#8221; they&#8217;re writing in their marriages.<\/p>\n<p>Pet peeves and irritations turn into global accusations of &#8220;always&#8221; and &#8220;never,&#8221;\u00a0setting up the accused to be defensive. And defensiveness \u2014 like criticism, contempt, and stonewalling \u2014 is a predictor of a marriage\u2019s demise.<\/p>\n<section id=\"block-yt-ads-yt-ads-atf\" class=\"block block-yt-ads contextual-links-region clearfix\"\/>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/experts\/christine-hourd\/how-to-accept-criticism-at-work\"><strong>The danger with criticism is that it is a slippery slope into contempt. <\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n<p>And overcoming contempt is more difficult than recognizing and repairing a pattern of criticism.<\/p>\n<p>Both patterns signal a marriage at risk and \u2014 along with their negative responses, defensiveness, and stonewalling \u2014 take a dedicated effort to turn around.<\/p>\n<p><strong>If you&#8217;re in a contemptuous marriage, you have a choice to make before the contempt makes the choice for you.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>You&#8217;ll have to learn how to communicate with your spouse better, even when you\u2019re angry.<\/p>\n<section id=\"block-yt-ads-yt-ads-atftop\" class=\"block block-yt-ads contextual-links-region clearfix\"\/>\n<p>And you&#8217;ll most likely need the intervention and guidance of experts who specialize in at-risk relationships.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Why is contempt so dangerous? <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>And why is it so difficult to learn how to stop feeling contempt toward your spouse once you feel it?<\/p>\n<p>If the success of a marriage is grounded in respect and equality, then contempt \u2014 a combination of disrespect and disgust \u2014 is its evil twin. The contemptuous person is steeped in moral superiority and considers their spouse to be unworthy of time, respect, or basic consideration.<\/p>\n<p>Recognizing and reconstructing your communication patterns is important because contempt is an accumulation of stewing emotions.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Disappointment and other negative emotions turn into resentment.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Resentment gets stuffed \u2014 and then festers. And eventually \u2014 and inevitably \u2014 it leaks out as sarcasm, name-calling, judgments, mocking, and mean humor.<\/p>\n<p>Overcoming contempt involves much the same strategy as preventing it in the first place. And at the heart of the effort is communication, with yourself and with your spouse.<\/p>\n<h2>Here are 4 steps to stop contempt from ruining your marriage and get that loving feeling back.<\/h2>\n<h3><strong>1. Stop the contemptuous behavior. <\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>You may not understand what\u2019s happening in your marriage. Your contempt may rage inside you that you actually look for ways to make your spouse feel as beneath you as possible.<\/p>\n<p>But\u00a0if you want your marriage to have a chance of surviving, you have to stop the destructive behavior.<\/p>\n<p class=\"article-body-affiliate-box\"><span>Advertisement<\/span> <a href=\"https:\/\/relationshiphero.com\/?c=yourtango&amp;v=pattern\" rel=\"sponsored nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Want to break unhealthy relationship patterns? Chat here with a certified coach from Relationship Hero, to help transform your life.<\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/experts\/freeandconnected\/why-contempt-dangerous-marriage-integrity-and-hope-and-how-stop\">Stop yourself from spewing sarcasm and cruel comments at your spouse.<\/a> Refuse to put down your spouse, no matter what you feel.<\/p>\n<p>At the very least, while you work on your own role in your marriage, stop your contemptuous behavior.<\/p>\n<p class=\"article-body-related-links\"><strong>RELATED:\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/experts\/the-anatomy-of-love\/6-things-that-kill-relationship-every-time\">6 Things That Kill A Relationship Every Time (You&#8217;ve Been Warned)<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<h3><strong>2. Search yourself for the source of your resentment and criticism. <\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>Contempt comes from a build-up of uncommunicated (or miscommunicated) disappointments and dissatisfactions.<\/p>\n<p>Perhaps\u00a0you&#8217;ve tried to communicate your needs to your spouse in the past and haven\u2019t gotten the response you want or need. Maybe you honestly believe that your spouse doesn\u2019t care about you or love you. Perhaps you feel alone in your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Whatever it is that&#8217;s fueling your contempt, you need to get clear about it.<\/p>\n<p>Working with a therapist on this delicate matter can help you gain clarity more quickly and help you separate what parts are really\u00a0about you from what may be\u00a0really about your spouse.<\/p>\n<h3><strong>3. Complain, don\u2019t criticize. <\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>Complaining probably isn\u2019t something you would think of as a positive tool for overcoming contempt towards your spouse. But\u00a0if you follow <a href=\"https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/a-couples-guide-to-complaining\/\" rel=\"nofollow\">Gottman\u2019s three-part formula for presenting a complaint<\/a>, you increase your chances of getting your needs met.<\/p>\n<p>Begin by expressing a feeling \u2014 not a judgment or criticism: &#8220;I feel sad\/worried\/hurt\u2026&#8221;<\/p>\n<p class=\"article-body-related-links\"><strong>RELATED:\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/love\/my-husband-asked-me-to-commit-to-a-loveless-marriage\">My Husband Asked Me To Commit To A Loveless Marriage<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Then, describe the situation or behavior that leads to that feeling: &#8220;&#8230; when you don\u2019t respond to my messages during the day.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Finally, state a positive behavioral change that you need in order for you to feel better: &#8220;Would you please make time to respond at least twice during the day so I know you have read my messages?&#8221;<\/p>\n<div class=\"midcat-most-popular\">\n<h2>Related Stories From YourTango:<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n<p>What\u2019s important about the complaint process is that you engage in the healthy presentation of your feelings and needs. And you work together toward a resolution that works for both of you.<\/p>\n<p>Moral superiority can\u2019t survive in that context, because you own your own feelings and make requests for change. Your focus is on behaviors you want to see changed, not on the other person.<\/p>\n<h3><strong>4. Be empathetic. <\/strong><\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/self\/how-to-be-empathetic-and-strong\">Empathy is essential to the success of a marriage.<\/a> It involves respecting the other person so much that you care to understand what that person is feeling.<\/p>\n<p>The effort to understand means you have to ask questions, listen with the intention to learn, and validate the feelings expressed.<\/p>\n<p>Empathy and contempt can\u2019t co-exist. So, if you truly want to stop feeling contempt in your marriage, open your heart.<\/p>\n<p>Make room for your spouse and all that they need and feel. Be kind to your heart\u2019s guests. Seek to understand and validate what you&#8217;ve been condemning.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s difficult to imagine that two people who once had a common vision for love and life could be driven apart by contempt. But\u00a0this hateful destroyer becomes the insidious outcome if spouses don\u2019t own their own feelings, their stories, and their roles in communication.<\/p>\n<p>If you&#8217;ve allowed your relationship to get this far, you may feel hopeless to effect a turnaround. But\u00a0you can still learn how to stop feeling contempt toward your spouse.<\/p>\n<p>And\u00a0if you can connect to your memories of happiness, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/love\/things-feel-like-love-red-flags\">you can still get that loving feeling back.<\/a><\/p>\n<p class=\"article-body-related-links\"><strong>RELATED:<a href=\"https:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/heartbreak\/8-toxic-phrases-destroy-relationships-seconds\">\u00a08 Toxic Phrases That Destroy Relationships In Seconds<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<div id=\"block-views-nodequeue-43-block-8--2\" class=\"block block-views clearfix\">\n<h3 class=\"block-title block-title\">More for You on YourTango:<\/h3>\n<\/div>\n<p><em>Dr. Jerry Duberstein is a couples therapist and his partner, Mary Ellen Goggin, is a relationship guide. They offer <a href=\"http:\/\/freeandconnected.com\/intensive-couples-counseling-retreat\/\" rel=\"nofollow\">private couples retreats<\/a>, couples counseling, and coaching. To learn more <a href=\"http:\/\/freeandconnected.com\/contact-us\" rel=\"nofollow\">schedule a 1\/2 hour complimentary consultation<\/a>.\u200b<\/em><\/p>\n<div class=\"yt-newsletter-wrapper master-cat-104726\">\n<h3>Sign up for YourTango&#8217;s free newsletter!<\/h3>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"yourtango-exclusive-desc\">This article was originally published at <a href=\"https:\/\/freeandconnected.com\/how-to-stop-feeling-contempt-toward-your-spouse-and-get-that-loving-feeling-back\/\">The Free &amp; Connected blog<\/a>. Reprinted with permission from the author.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p><br \/>\n<br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/heartbreak\/one-behavior-biggest-predictor-divorce\">Source link <\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/contact-us\/\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/footer-300x100.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"200\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-14\" srcset=\"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/footer-300x100.png 300w, https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/footer-150x50.png 150w, https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/footer.png 600w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/a><br \/>\n<center><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.google.com\/maps\/d\/u\/1\/embed?mid=1w4tN9mf5kVdBXUXTq2KvwE23NmpUzEna\" width=\"640\" height=\"480\"><\/iframe><br \/>\n<\/center><br \/>\n<center><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/calendar.google.com\/calendar\/embed?src=sc635csnrm8h9s9lq0cad6vkss@group.calendar.google.com\" style=\"border:0px #ffffff none;\" name=\"myiFrame\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"1\" marginheight=\"0px\" marginwidth=\"0px\" height=\"3px\" width=\"600px\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/center><br \/>\n<center><\/p>\n<div itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/LocalBusiness\">\n<div itemprop=\"image\" itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/ImageObject\">\n<img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.dominiclevent.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/06\/Business_Solicitors_London.jpg\" width=\"600\" itemprop=\"url\"><\/div>\n<p><\/br><\/p>\n<div itemprop=\"name\">Dominic Levent Solicitors<\/div>\n<div>Email: <span itemprop=\"email\">Enquiries@dominiclevent.com<\/span><\/div>\n<div>Phone: <span itemprop=\"telephone\">020 8347 6640<\/span><\/div>\n<div>Url: <span itemprop=\"url\">https:\/\/www.dominiclevent.com<\/span><\/div>\n<div itemprop=\"paymentAccepted\"  style='display: none' >cash, check, credit card, invoice<\/div>\n<p>\t<meta itemprop=\"openingHours\"  style='display: none'  datetime=\"Mo,Tu,We,Th,Fr 09:30-17:30\" \/><\/p>\n<div itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/GeoCoordinates\" itemscope=\"\" itemprop=\"geo\">\n\t\t<meta itemprop=\"latitude\" content=\"51.632223\" \/><br \/>\n\t\t<meta itemprop=\"longitude\" content=\"0.1781417\" \/>\n\t<\/div>\n<div itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/PostalAddress\" itemscope=\"\" itemprop=\"address\">\n<div itemprop=\"streetAddress\">1345 High Rd<\/div>\n<div><span itemprop=\"addressLocality\">London<\/span>, <span itemprop=\"addressRegion\">London<\/span> <span itemprop=\"postalCode\">N20 9HR<\/span><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><\/center><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Of all the tell-tale signs that a marriage may be in trouble, contempt is the worst. There are many reasons why contempt in marriage is considered one of the greatest predictors of divorce. And if you&#8217;ve reached this stage, you may not see any way out. But\u00a0if you can commit to learning how to stop &hellip; <\/p>\n<p class=\"link-more\"><a href=\"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/the-one-behavior-thats-the-biggest-predictor-of-divorce-mary-ellen-goggin-jerry-duberstein\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\"> &#8220;The One Behavior That&#8217;s The Biggest Predictor Of Divorce | Mary Ellen Goggin Jerry Duberstein&#8221;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-184298","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news1","entry"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The One Behavior That&#039;s The Biggest Predictor Of Divorce | Mary Ellen Goggin Jerry Duberstein - Dominic Levent Solicitors Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/the-one-behavior-thats-the-biggest-predictor-of-divorce-mary-ellen-goggin-jerry-duberstein\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The One Behavior That&#039;s The Biggest Predictor Of Divorce | Mary Ellen Goggin Jerry Duberstein - Dominic Levent Solicitors Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Of all the tell-tale signs that a marriage may be in trouble, contempt is the worst. 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