Brittan and I are one of the many \u00adcouples whose marriage didn\u2019t make it\u00a0beyond their 40s; a decade where relationships seem to hit a romantic \u00adcul-de-sac and end up in divorce.<\/p>\n
In the UK in 2019, 45 to 49 was the most popular age to divorce, with the average age being 46.4 for men and 43.9 for women, so clearly there\u2019s a sea change of some sort happening in this fifth decade.<\/p>\n
Recently, former S Club 7 singer Rachel Stevens, 44, announced she was splitting from her husband of 12 years, Alex Bourne, following in the celebrity footsteps of Gwyneth Paltrow, who divorced at 41 after 13 years of marriage, and Davina McCall, who ended her 17-year marriage at 49.<\/p>\n
Each of these couples had successfully surmounted the hard baby years of sleepless nights and endless nappy changes, but ran aground when their children were in their tweens or early teens \u2013 an age when life should become easier, but when many marital differences surface.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen you\u2019re in the baby years as a couple, you\u2019re often in fight or flight mode, building your career and raising your kids, and you\u2019re just firefighting and trying to get through it as best you can with the relationship often falling to\u00a0the bottom of the to-do list,\u201d says \u00adcouples psychotherapist Louise Tyler (personalresilience.co.uk). \u201cIt\u2019s only when you emerge and the children are a bit older that you might look at your partner and feel completely disconnected or that you\u2019ve sunk into familiarity and boredom. In the past, marriage was often a financial and legal arrangement and women had little choice but to stick with it, but nowadays women are financially independent and there\u2019s a feeling we should be living our best life and shouldn\u2019t stay in an unhappy relationship if we don\u2019t want to.\u201d<\/p>\n
Crisis point<\/h2>\n
Relate<\/a> counsellor Simone Bose comes across many couples experiencing this \u201cmidlife malaise\u201d at her practice. \u201cAfter 10-plus years of marriage, couples gradually make less\u00a0effort and become complacent towards each other, and often the things they found attractive at the beginning can become what now annoys them. For example, relaxed becomes lazy, or\u00a0assertive becomes bullying or \u00adcontrolling,\u201d explains Bose. \u201cIt\u2019s a crisis point because you see that life is passing you by and you wonder if you should settle or if you\u2019re still young enough to have new adventures and even meet someone else.\u201d<\/p>\n Michael Ross reached this crisis point when he was 42, divorcing his wife after 17 years of marriage. \u201cI got married at 25 and I think you just don\u2019t know yourself in your 20s;\u00a0over time my wife and I became two different people and changed from who we were when we first met,\u201d he explains.<\/p>\n The couple had three children under 12 when they split and it was the\u00ad \u00adconflict in the home that propelled his decision. \u201cThere was a lot of arguing. It was draining all my emotional and physical energy. It was bad for the kids and \u00adterrible for me,\u201d says Ross, 44, a financial adviser from Borehamwood in Hertfordshire. \u201cI kept thinking of my life and the fact that I was half-way through and that time was finite. Did I\u00a0really want to spend the rest of my life living in this situation? It felt unwork\u00adable and when I pushed the button I never looked back.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s no coincidence that children reaching an impressionable age can trigger a decision to divorce. \u201cYour children are getting older, seeing the arguments and asking questions, and it can feel quite shameful and toxic,\u201d says Bose.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s at this point when many couples think, \u2018What kind of relationship do I want to give as a role model to my kids?\u2019 and decide to leave the marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n While many do jump ship at this pivotal point (42 per cent of marriages currently end in divorce), Tyler points out that relationship satisfaction is U-shaped, starting high after you get married before the responsibilities of children and career kick in, then sinking to a nadir, \u201cmost likely in your 30s and 40s with all the external stresses\u201d, before rising again in your 50s \u2013 but only \u201cif you work on it\u201d.<\/p>\n Tyler adds: \u201cIf you don\u2019t work through your differences in this stage of disharmony then it\u2019s unlikely you\u2019ll get through to the next stage, which is all about having synergy and working better together.\u201d<\/p>\n But making it through this decade takes more effort than the odd clich\u00e9d candlelit dinner or child-free break. \u201cYou need a pretty strong found\u00adation to survive these hardworking, responsible years when there\u2019s little fun or\u00a0sex,\u201d says Marian O\u2019Connor, \u00adpsychoanalytic couples\u2019 therapist at Tavistock Relationships<\/a>. \u201cYou have to be able to stand outside yourselves and look at what you\u2019re doing to each other, and think about how you can make your life fun and nurturing and not just a life of tasks.\u201d<\/p>\n Going to counselling is a helpful first step. \u201cThrough therapy, couples can look at why they disconnected and ways they can be different. It gives them a space to really listen to each other and say, \u2018this bothers me because \u2026\u2019 or \u2018this is how I feel\u2019,\u201d says O\u2019Connor. \u201cIndividual therapy can be good too, to find out what your triggers\u00a0are, how much your background plays into what\u2019s going on and to see if you\u2019re curious enough to change and work on problems \u2013 after all, even in a couple, the only person you can change is yourself.\u201d<\/p>\nU-shaped\u00a0<\/h2>\n
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