{"id":195041,"date":"2022-12-08T08:07:47","date_gmt":"2022-12-08T08:07:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/?p=195041"},"modified":"2022-12-08T08:07:47","modified_gmt":"2022-12-08T08:07:47","slug":"9-holiday-tips-from-a-divorce-lawyer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/9-holiday-tips-from-a-divorce-lawyer\/","title":{"rendered":"9 Holiday Tips From A Divorce Lawyer"},"content":{"rendered":"


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The holidays are supposed to be joyful. For kids, especially, it\u2019s a magical time and can create lifetime memories. But in families in which the parents are recently divorced or separated, there\u2019s some tricky terrain to navigate. Co-parenting through the holidays <\/a>can be stressful for parents who are no longer together. There\u2019s a lot of newness in the family landscape \u2014 not to mention two separate households to coordinate \u2014 and, often, a backdrop of heightened emotions.<\/p>\n

So how can families make sure \u201cthe most wonderful time of the year\u201d creates special and happy memories? As a lawyer who specializes family law, including divorce law, I\u2019ve encountered a lot of parents and know what works and what doesn\u2019t. I’ll share the same things I tell my clients. Some of this advice might vary based on the children\u2019s ages and other specifics, but here are my recommendations for co-parenting during the holidays. <\/p>\n

1. The Children Come First. Period.<\/b><\/h3>\n

Above all else, your children\u2019s best interests come first. With this in mind, you have to communicate, be boundaried (but flexible when needed), and cut out the arguing. This might all sound obvious, but it\u2019s the bottom line, so it bears mentioning and mentioning again. Maybe less obvious: You want to do everything you can to encourage the children to spend time with the other parent. You also need to refrain from disparaging your former spouse in front of the children, as the resultant damage can be significant. Again, your children come first, this is their fun time, and the last thing you want to do is destroy that.<\/p>\n

2. Be A United Front With Your Co-Parent<\/b><\/h3>\n

In advance of the holidays, talk to your kids. Together. Tell them that you\u2019re going to have a great time, and just acknowledge that things may look different from previous years. Yes, this takes parents who can communicate effectively, but this is the time to put your swords to the side, and say hey look, whatever you feel about me, that\u2019s fine, but let our kids have the best time<\/i>. If you can do this, you\u2019re really helping your kids. I always tell parents if you do well, your kids do 100 times better.<\/p>\n

3. Start Planning Early<\/b><\/h3>\n

Early coordination is key. A few months before the holidays, pull out your custody agreement and see what it says. Your schedules for the holidays are carefully detailed in the agreement you executed. Review the agreement, take a look at what the holiday schedule is, and determine whether adjustments need to be made. If adjustments are needed, work them out in advance because last minute changes tend to create tremendous stress for everybody.<\/p>\n

4. Split The Holiday Evenly<\/b><\/h3>\n

Equal time is important, but that might look different for different families. Maybe your family alternates the holidays by even or odd years, or maybe it\u2019s a division of the break right down the middle. In families where co-parents get along\u2014and this is the exception, not the rule\u2014the possibility of overlap exists, which means kids get to spend time with both parents together. This is less disruptive for the children, parents benefit from more time, and you still get those shared holiday memories (and maybe even create new ones), but obviously it\u2019s a very unusual couple that can do this.<\/p>\n

5. Don\u2019t Guilt The Children<\/b><\/h3>\n

It might be tempting to say to the children well you\u2019re not really doing anything tonight with Dad so why don\u2019t you come here, we\u2019re going to a party<\/i>. But just\u2026don\u2019t. Adhere to the schedule in place. Respect the other parent\u2019s plans, even if, to you, they don\u2019t seem like \u2018real plans,\u2019 i.e. if they\u2019re down the street having a staycation rather than traveling. Part of not disparaging your co-parent requires not only respecting the schedule, but actually encouraging and supporting your children\u2019s time with the other parent.<\/p>\n

6. Create New Traditions<\/b><\/h3>\n

This is especially big for families new to co-parenting, but it applies across the board. New traditions create stability. So embrace an outing or activity that the family didn\u2019t do before and dive on in. What kind of show or other events can the children look forward to every year? What\u2019s something that they can anticipate and get excited about as part of being with each parent? Include kids in the brainstorming by asking them in advance to suggest one thing that’s really special that they would love to do \u2013 and then communicate that to the other parent so that they can do the same (and so you don’t overlap). Speaking of overlap\u2026<\/p>\n

7. Coordinate Gifts<\/b><\/h3>\n

There are so many reasons to do this, including to avoid giving duplicates or entirely overlooking beloved items. But above all, don\u2019t try to outdo the other parent by buying extravagant gifts. Gift-giving should be a discussion between parents. Establish guidelines with your co-parent from the outset. Are there types of gifts that are off-limits? Expenditure limits? What kinds of gifts are and aren\u2019t age-appropriate? Some families set it up so that all the gifts are from both parents, others share Santa gifts only, and still others go their separate ways. Communication, as always, is everything.<\/p>\n

8. Introduce Your \u201cNew Friend\u201d Another Time<\/b><\/h3>\n

This is a sensitive one, but it\u2019s really not that complicated. Parents sometimes decide that it\u2019s OK to bring their new partner along on a holiday trip if they\u2019ve been divorced for a couple years or if they constantly see the special person. But do not spring a \u201cnew person\u201d on the kids during their vacation with you. That’s the worst thing to do, because the kids look forward to the vacation time with their parent, not with this other person. It’s not thoughtful and it\u2019s taking time away that your children look forward to spending with you. So unless the new person already has a close relationship with your kids, it\u2019s a no. The whole point is that you want to spend time and have experiences with your children. Bringing somebody that you\u2019ve been involved with for a short time is a poor idea because you’re making your kids feel like they\u2019re not first and foremost, and you\u2019re taking away a very special time with them.<\/p>\n

9. Prioritize Self Care<\/b><\/h3>\n

It\u2019s not always easy when the kids go off with the other parent for an extended period and leave you alone. So take a little time for yourself and plan something special. If you can afford to go away, do so for a few days, or find friends who are around, get theater tickets, go to a concert, or have a massage. I think it\u2019s really important to do anything that makes you feel strong and empowered. Parents need to show themselves some love.<\/p>\n

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Marilyn Chinitz<\/a> is a partner at Blank Rome with 35 years of experience in every facet of family law. She is known for representing A-List celebrities and influential, high-profile clients in cases that have received national and international attention.<\/em><\/p>\n