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From the team at Capsule<\/a>.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n I<\/em><\/strong>s there such thing as a \u201cperfect\u201d age to marry? Can marrying young increase your chances of divorcing? Can you leave it too late? Or, are there actually much bigger factors at play than merely age? We talked to a woman who is getting married for the second time and is keen for answers \u2013 plus, we crunch the numbers and get advice from a divorce coach and a relationship therapist.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Welcome to our series, The Love Diaries \u2013 a space for you to share your experiences, advice, fairy-tale endings, setbacks and heartbreaks. We\u2019ll be hearing from industry experts giving practical advice alongside Capsule readers (You!) sharing your firsthand experiences with love \u2013 from the woman who cheated on her husband with a work colleague<\/a>, one woman\u2019s temptation now the love of her life is finally single (although she\u2019s not)<\/a>, and the woman who forced her husband to choose between her and his girlfriend<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n Rachel was 23 the first time she got married. She\u2019d met her husband on the dance floor of her favourite pub \u2013 he was tall, funny, four years older than her and, in her opinion, absolute perfection. But while they were madly in love \u2013 and had been for three years before tying the knot \u2013 their marriage just wasn\u2019t meant to be.<\/p>\n Rachel was 31 when they divorced. Now, at 42 she\u2019s about to walk down the aisle again, and this time, with just as much optimism as she had at 23.<\/p>\n READ MORE: \u201cGod, what I know now that I didn\u2019t at 23!\u201d she says. \u201cWe both were different people when we met, to who we ended up by the time we were in our thirties. So many people said we were marrying too young and I didn\u2019t want to hear it, but yes, we were too young. We didn\u2019t know who we were yet.\u201d<\/p>\n Her first marriage may not have worked out, but yes, Rachel is still full of optimism. Partly because she knows herself so much better now \u2013 what she wants and what she doesn\u2019t, and how to actually ask for what she wants \u2013 but also, she figures the numbers are in her favour.<\/p>\n \u201cTwenty-three was too young, so surely 42 has a better chance?\u201d she asks. \u201cFrom what I\u2019ve read, you have a better chance if you marry a bit later on. I hope that\u2019s true!\u201d<\/p>\n So, is it?<\/p>\n We decided to take this one to the experts and find out if age really does make a difference to your likelihood of having a successful marriage. And if so, is there a perfect age to marry?<\/p>\n Sofia Hernandez\/ Unsplash<\/cite><\/p>\n Is there really a perfect age to marry to limit your chances of divorce?<\/p>\n<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n Ok, so for a long time, it did seem to be the case that if you married a bit later in life, your marriage stood a better chance at going the long haul.<\/p>\n But then, in 2015, a study done by Nick Wolfinger<\/a> \u2013 a sociologist at the University of Utah \u2013 came to a different conclusion. He analyzed data from 2006-2010 and the 2011-2013 National Survey of Family Growth, conducted in the US. His findings were that yes, couples who married very young were more likely to divorce \u2013 but, rather than your odds of divorce going down the later you waited to marry, there seemed to be a Goldilocks age. Either side of this magic age, divorce rates increased<\/a>.<\/p>\n That age bracket? Twenty-eight to 32.<\/p>\n \u201cThe odds of divorce decline as you age from your teenage years through your late twenties and early thirties,\u201d he wrote. \u201cThereafter, the chances of divorce go up again as you move into your late thirties and early forties.\u201d For each year after about 32, the chance of divorce goes up about 5% says the study.<\/p>\n So\u2026 should Rachel be worried again?<\/p>\n Not quite. Because the data doesn\u2019t entirely stack up. For a start, up until the pandemic, divorce rates seemed to be slowing down. In 2018, University of Maryland<\/a> sociology professor Philip Cohen, analysed the US divorce rate, noting that it dropped by 18% between 2008 and 2016.<\/p>\n At first, he theorised that a drop could be due to an ageing population \u2013 older people are less likely to divorce, so maybe they were tipping the scales? Or, was it that less people were marrying in the first place?<\/p>\n Denny Muller\/Unsplash\/Pexels<\/cite><\/p>\n Younger generations seem to be getting married later in life.<\/p>\n<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n The data seemed to suggest something else was going on. He calculated the divorce rate as a ratio of divorces to the total number of married women \u2013 and found the rate of decline wasn\u2019t a reflection of a decline in marriages, rather, it was evidence that marriages today have a greater chance of lasting than marriages did 10 years ago.<\/p>\n He found that it was Boomers who are continuing to divorce at unusually high rates (even when they reach their 60s and 70s). It seems those in Generation X and Millennials, are actually just less likely to divorce, full stop.<\/p>\n His conclusion was that younger generations are getting married later in life, and those who do marry are now more likely have a higher level of education, and be better off, financially.<\/p>\n \u201cOne of the reasons for the decline is that the married population is getting older and more highly educated,\u201d Cohen said. Fewer people are getting married, and those who do are the sort of people who are least likely to get divorced, he said. \u201cMarriage is more and more an achievement of status, rather than something that people do regardless of how they\u2019re doing.\u201d<\/p>\n Back here in NZ, Divorce Coach Bridgette Jackson of Equal Exes<\/a>, says things are slightly different to the US. For a start, in the years since these studies, divorce rates have increased in the US \u2013 partly due, she says, to the changing of laws that has made it easier to divorce.<\/p>\n \u201cNow, in the US, researchers estimate that 40 \u2013 50% of all first marriages will end in divorce or permanent separation,\u201d she says. \u201cThey also estimate that 60 \u2013 65% of second marriages will end in divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n But here in NZ, we\u2019re seeing something a bit different happening \u2013 divorce rates are at an all time low. Although, again, these figures may be deceptive.<\/p>\n \u201cThe divorce rate in New Zealand is currently the lowest since 1979,\u201d tells Bridgette. \u201cBut this does not represent the current divorce rate<\/a>. We know that repeated lockdowns<\/a> have the time for Family Court and other cases to be heard. Also, people are choosing to instead live in a de-facto relationship rather than making a legal commitment. The Relationship Property Act does apply for de-facto relationships after three years.\u201d<\/p>\n So what does Bridgette make of this idea that there might be a \u201cperfect age\u201d to marry?<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s an interesting question, but the short answer is that there is no perfect age for anyone to get married,\u201d she says. \u201cInstead it people should consider and ask themselves the question \u2018do I feel ready to enter what could be a long term relationship?\u2019 Am I ready to make a commitment to be with this one person and see where it goes?<\/p>\n \u201cRather than a perfect age, consideration needs to be given to: am I old enough or mature enough to understand the complexities of being in a long term relationship?\u201d<\/p>\n She does concede that problems can arise for those who marry in their 20s, as they can run the risk of feeling they no longer have anything in common with their partner a few years later.<\/p>\n \u201cIt is also common knowledge that most people\u2019s brains do not mature until they are in their mid-20s or nearing 30, so you could say, they really are still learning about themselves and the world they will live in. But, of course, there are many people who get married at 30 who aren\u2019t any more emotionally mature. A person who has developed a greater sense of self will be more likely to have a close and lasting marriage, however achieving that level maturity doesn\u2019t necessarily match with one\u2019s age.\u201d<\/p>\n Bridgette says it\u2019s crucial to know as much about your partner as possible before walking down the aisle, to ensure their beliefs and interests are aligned with yours.<\/p>\n \u201cI have a long list of questions (50+) I recommend people asking each other before committing to a relationship. They can be fun to do and allow people to get to really know each other.\u201d<\/p>\n Some questions Bridgette suggests asking are:<\/p>\n Which is most important for you; to be happy or to be successful?<\/em><\/p>\n Would you take on the responsibility of taking care of your parents when they retire?<\/em><\/p>\n Are you open to getting married and when do you want this to happen?<\/em><\/p>\n Are you open to signing a pre-nup before marriage?<\/em><\/p>\n In what ways do you expect marriage to change our relationship?<\/em><\/p>\n Would you rather live in a small or big city\/are you open to relocating to another region\/country?<\/em><\/p>\n What do you do as a girlfriend\/boyfriend that you wouldn\u2019t do as a wife\/husband?<\/em><\/p>\n Do you want to have kids and when?<\/em><\/p>\n How do you feel about adopting a child?<\/em><\/p>\n What do you regard as infidelity and how would you deal with it?<\/em><\/p>\n How much do you want to maintain your individuality while cohabiting?<\/em><\/p>\n Do you like to take control or have someone take control?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0 <\/p>\n So, what happens if your answers don\u2019t line up? It still doesn\u2019t have to be a deal-breaker, says Bridgette. What is crucial is knowing whether you are both willing and open to compromise on those areas of life that you don\u2019t see eye-to-eye on.<\/p>\n And, if you\u2019ve read the data that you\u2019re more likely to stay married if you wait a bit longer in life, Bridgette warns not to wait too long.<\/p>\n \u201cIf someone is waiting for the perfect partner to come along, invariably it will most likely not happen as there are so many emotional factors at play. What is important is to create the space in your life to invite a partner in, and to get to know yourself on a deeper level.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen it comes to people who marry for the first time in their late 30\u2019s and into their 40\u2019s, they are less likely to want to make adjustments and generally will not be as flexible as people who have married younger. They may find it harder to see the other person\u2019s viewpoint in a relationship or be less willing to compromise. What is vital for any long term relationship to flourish is being able to balance the feeling of security and intimacy with independence.<\/p>\n I suggest really taking the time to get to know the other person while continually communicating your expectations and finally, being in charge of creating your own happiness.\u201d<\/p>\n
* Untying the knot: Why professional divorce coaches are in high demand<\/a>
* The Divorce Diaries: \u2018He ended up with my pilates instructor\u2019 – charting the rise of divorce coaches in NZ<\/a>
* The divorce pandemic: The stresses of lockdown has had devastating effect on marriages<\/a>
* Kiwis are getting divorced later in life<\/a>
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