{"id":230435,"date":"2024-05-02T16:00:17","date_gmt":"2024-05-02T16:00:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/?p=230435"},"modified":"2024-05-02T16:00:17","modified_gmt":"2024-05-02T16:00:17","slug":"what-to-say-in-mediation-to-have-a-positive-outcome","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/what-to-say-in-mediation-to-have-a-positive-outcome\/","title":{"rendered":"What to Say in Mediation to Have a Positive Outcome"},"content":{"rendered":"


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Wondering what to say in mediation? I have been co-mediating with Brian James<\/a> for over 16 years and unfortunately, we have heard statements people make to their spouse that are offensive, mean, and that ultimately undermine the mediation process.<\/p>\n

On a positive note, Brian and I <\/a>have also heard our clients say wonderful things\u2014things that are kind and thoughtful and productive, and that help make the process smoother and so much more effective. It\u2019s not always easy to be nice during mediation, given the anger and resentment you might have towards your soon-to-be-ex, or the fear you are experiencing about the future. Just know that kindness in mediation leads to a more amicable, friendly, and productive process, as well as a better post-divorce life for both you and your children.<\/p>\n

Wondering what to say in mediation? Try these 6 things:<\/h2>\n

1. I am sorry I did that. I feel badly. I hope you will forgive me.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

You are not saying you want to stay married.\u00a0 Rather you are owning your behavior and giving the other person space to forgive you and move on.\u00a0 When people apologize, it lets the other person\u2019s defenses down, and the whole picture of what the communication looks like can change for the better. When apologized to, people feel so validated and it opens their hearts and minds to listen to the other person, to have a conversation without yelling, and to be more receptive to the other\u2019s ideas and suggestions. After an apology, hopefully you can begin to address the issues that are most important to each of you in mediation and moving forward in the process.<\/p>\n

2. That might be a good idea. Let me think about it. Tell me more about your thoughts.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

A compliment goes a long way towards progress in mediation.<\/a> You are telling the other person you respect them, you understand what they are saying and it makes sense. Then you can go on to give them your opinion when they are more open to hearing what you have to say. Even if you do not totally agree with their position, you are acknowledging that they made an attempt at resolving an issue that needs to be decided to move forward.<\/p>\n

3. I hear what you are saying. I understand your position. <\/strong><\/h2>\n

By saying these things, you are validating the other person’s feelings.<\/a> You want them to believe you are hearing what they are saying and that it makes sense to you.\u00a0 Then you can go on to tell them your opinion or your idea about how to resolve an issue.\u00a0 They will be more open to hearing what you have to say because you have given them a compliment and told them you hear them.<\/p>\n

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\"Bridging<\/a><\/p>\n

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4. You are welcome to sleep at my house on Christmas Eve or come to open gifts and have breakfast on Christmas morning.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

One of the biggest things people fight about is Christmas Eve overnight and waking up Christmas morning with the children. Often one of the spouses is crying when we have this conversation. \u201cI make Christmas The children need to be at my house.\u201d (their childhood home, their home, the house \u2013 all things designed to make the other person feel their house is not the children\u2019s home or as important)Clearly, new traditions can be established as they necessarily will as people get divorced and create new memories for their children. Even if the person says no or has no intention of spending the night or showing up for Christmas morning, they can hopefully still appreciate the kind gesture and the offer being made.<\/p>\n

5. Let\u2019s focus on our children and the best schedule for them.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Whether the schedule proposed actually has the children\u2019s best interests at heart, the other parent hears that you are trying to focus on what is best for the children. Then you can tweak what they are suggesting or offer a different way to look at the weekly schedule, but they hear it in a more positive light. This suggests you are considering their priorities, the children\u2019s activities, your work schedules and where the children would be most comfortable for homework, spending the night and getting through the school week in the least disruptive way. It is all in the presentation.<\/p>\n

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