<\/p>\n
So I\u2019m happier after divorce. Fine. But you know what else I am? I’m empowered, I have more wisdom, I have more self-confidence, and I like myself a heck of a lot more.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Here are 9 things I learned as a result of getting divorced<\/a>:<\/h2>\n <\/p>\n
1. I learned I was a survivor.<\/strong><\/h2>\nGetting divorced<\/a> is like playing dodgeball. Remember that game when you were a kid? People from the other side would throw balls at you and if you got hit, you were out so you had to dodge the balls. Divorce is like that and here are the balls: the lawyer bills that arrive in the mail, kids crying and acting out because of the change and because they miss Daddy, those moments when the sadness of the breakup is so overwhelming that you are hyperventilating because you are crying so hard, in-laws who are suddenly acting like strangers and acting distant and rude, when the ex comes to get the kids and won\u2019t even say hi or look at you, getting a call from my attorney that my ex was trying to get sole custody, feeling lonely, isolated and alone, worrying about finances, not having a job, and more.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n
Those are the balls are trying to hit and kill you, and guess what? If you\u2019re still standing after the divorce, you are a survivor. \u00a0It\u2019s not easy dodging the balls, but all you have to do is keep going and know in the back of your mind that after you dodge those balls, more will come, and if you keep dodging them, you are going to be fine!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
2. I learned that I needed support, both professionally and emotionally.<\/strong><\/h2>\n <\/p>\n
When I was getting divorced, no such thing as divorce coaches and mediation wasn\u2019t what it is today. There were no CDRE\u2019s (Certified Divorce Real Estate Experts)<\/a> or CDLP\u2019s (Certified Divorce Lending Professionals)<\/a>. You went to a lawyer and the litigation began, and then if you could mediate, that was great. Today it\u2019s so much different.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n
![\"My](\"https:\/\/dgs-1def7.kxcdn.com\/wp-content\/themes\/divorce-girl-smiling\/images\/mydivorcesolution-cta.jpg?v4\")
<\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n
My advice is, gather your divorce team<\/a>. A divorce coach is key. Therapy is very good. Mediation works. The more help you have, the easier your life will be during the divorce, the better outcome you will get in the divorce, and the less money you will spend on your attorney because these other people will be helping you make better decisions.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n
As far as friends are concerned, some friends were there for me, some were not. Some friends dumped me and some friends stepped up like you wouldn\u2019t believe. I made a lot of new friends, and I got rid of a couple toxic friends. I would advise you to join a divorce support group, and join the Divorced Girl Smiling Facebook group. Don\u2019t try to be tough and say \u201cI can do this myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
3. I learned how to shift anger, feeling sorry for myself and victimhood into gratitude. <\/strong><\/h2>\n\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\nThe first thing I want to say is that feeling angry and like a victim is normal,<\/a> understandable and actually healthy. MUST ACKNOWLEDGE AND FEEL THOSE FEELINGS before you can start to move on. The problem is, some people stay in that phase for way too long. You know who I\u2019m talking about-those people who are still shit talking their ex 5 years later and complaining that the reason they don\u2019t have a job or money or happiness is because of their ex.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n
Try this: whenever you feel angry with your ex (and believe me, it\u2019s been 18 years and I still have days when I want to yell and scream at mine) but try to take a deep breath, and think to yourself, \u201cWhat do I have control over?\u201d and then shift your plan to that, instead of stewing about what a dick your ex-husband is. For example, let\u2019s say your ex said something really inappropriate to the kids\u2014like \u201cSo and So (his new girlfriend) is a better mother than your mom.\u201d I get it. That would piss someone off like crazy. But, after you have your time to be angry about it, maybe send your ex a text (wait at least a day) saying \u201cI don\u2019t appreciate what you said. It\u2019s not healthy for our daughter to hear things like that.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
But here\u2019s the key. If you engage, be prepared for your ex to spew insults back at you and to deny it. The key is, don\u2019t answer the text. Just leave it be. Don\u2019t even answer his first response. This way, you got it off your chest and you can forget about it. He\u2019s the one who will be infuriated because he will know deep down he shouldn\u2019t have said it, but will blame you.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
![\"Karen](\"https:\/\/dgs-1def7.kxcdn.com\/wp-content\/themes\/divorce-girl-smiling\/images\/karen-covy-divorce-expert-cta.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n
4. I learned the importance of Grace.<\/strong><\/h2>\nWhen I was first getting divorced,<\/a> my ex started dating my neighbor, 3 houses down. The two of them went all over town parading themselves as the newest, blended, most well-adjusted family. I was so angry I couldn\u2019t even breathe. I was angry at him, but I was angrier with her. She pretended to be my friend and then stopped talking to me and was really mean to me before I even found out! So, I had to wonder what I did wrong until I found out she was mad at me because SHE was dating my ex-husband!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n
I was so upset that I told everyone in the community how I felt. Whoever would listen, I vented to, and it was a huge mistake because I know I seemed unstable, even borderline psycho. They ended up breaking up 6 months later and you know what everyone will remember? Not that they dated, but how I acted.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
If you act with grace through everything, it will set the tone for how everyone views you. Don\u2019t you want to be seen as someone with grace and class? If so, tell your therapist, family and close friends about things, and don\u2019t share it with everyone in your town.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
5. I learned the benefits of being a single parent.<\/strong><\/h2>\nNo one wants to be a single parent, right? I mean, we don\u2019t set out to have kids and say \u201cWow, I can\u2019t wait to get divorced and be a single parent.\u201d But, once you are a single parent for awhile, it\u2019s the best, most empowering feeling you can ever have.<\/p>\n
Someone on the Divorced Girl Smiling Facebook Group quoted Eat, Pray, Love:<\/p>\n
\u201cThe women whom I love and admire for their strength and grace did not get that way because shit worked out. They got that way because shit went wrong and they handled it. They handled it in a thousand different ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it. Those women are my superheroes.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nThe words, \u201cHandled it\u201d have special meaning to me because my beloved father used them often. If I would call him and complain about a problem (which I did often) his response would be \u201chandle it.\u201d He wasn\u2019t saying that in a mean way, he was saying it to help me feel empowered and confident.<\/p>\n
\u201cHandling it: simply means take one day at a time and handle what needs to be handled right now. Your divorce is going to take time. It doesn\u2019t happen overnight, and problems are going to come up on what seems like a daily or weekly basis\u2013your ex pulls something in court, he already has a girlfriend who you didn\u2019t know about, you found out from someone in your neighborhood that he cheated, you realize you haveto put your house on the market. These things are things that don\u2019t have to happen right this second.<\/p>\n
Just handle problems as best you can and prioritize what needs to be done. And in the meantime, just be the best best parent you can possibly be, and always make decisions with your kids\u2019 best interest at heart. The dishwasher breaks? Call a repairman or get a new one. Your kid\u2019s teacher calls and tells you he\/she\u2019s been acting out in class?\u00a0Find your child a therapist.\u00a0<\/a>Your ex has a girlfriend? Sob and punch your pillow in private after your kids go to bed. That is handling it.<\/p>\nThe big things are complicated. I have dealt with cancer and it\u2019s really really scary. But, I handled it and now it\u2019s good!<\/p>\n
When you handle your problems, you will feel so great about yourself, so empowered, so confident and very proud of yourself. It\u2019s calming to realize how capable and strong you are.<\/p>\n
Try to remember that if you think other people\u2013even married moms have it easy, you are wrong. Everyone has problems and everyone has to handle them.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Getting divorced<\/a> is like playing dodgeball. Remember that game when you were a kid? People from the other side would throw balls at you and if you got hit, you were out so you had to dodge the balls. Divorce is like that and here are the balls: the lawyer bills that arrive in the mail, kids crying and acting out because of the change and because they miss Daddy, those moments when the sadness of the breakup is so overwhelming that you are hyperventilating because you are crying so hard, in-laws who are suddenly acting like strangers and acting distant and rude, when the ex comes to get the kids and won\u2019t even say hi or look at you, getting a call from my attorney that my ex was trying to get sole custody, feeling lonely, isolated and alone, worrying about finances, not having a job, and more.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Those are the balls are trying to hit and kill you, and guess what? If you\u2019re still standing after the divorce, you are a survivor. \u00a0It\u2019s not easy dodging the balls, but all you have to do is keep going and know in the back of your mind that after you dodge those balls, more will come, and if you keep dodging them, you are going to be fine!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n When I was getting divorced, no such thing as divorce coaches and mediation wasn\u2019t what it is today. There were no CDRE\u2019s (Certified Divorce Real Estate Experts)<\/a> or CDLP\u2019s (Certified Divorce Lending Professionals)<\/a>. You went to a lawyer and the litigation began, and then if you could mediate, that was great. Today it\u2019s so much different.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n My advice is, gather your divorce team<\/a>. A divorce coach is key. Therapy is very good. Mediation works. The more help you have, the easier your life will be during the divorce, the better outcome you will get in the divorce, and the less money you will spend on your attorney because these other people will be helping you make better decisions.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n As far as friends are concerned, some friends were there for me, some were not. Some friends dumped me and some friends stepped up like you wouldn\u2019t believe. I made a lot of new friends, and I got rid of a couple toxic friends. I would advise you to join a divorce support group, and join the Divorced Girl Smiling Facebook group. Don\u2019t try to be tough and say \u201cI can do this myself.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n The first thing I want to say is that feeling angry and like a victim is normal,<\/a> understandable and actually healthy. MUST ACKNOWLEDGE AND FEEL THOSE FEELINGS before you can start to move on. The problem is, some people stay in that phase for way too long. You know who I\u2019m talking about-those people who are still shit talking their ex 5 years later and complaining that the reason they don\u2019t have a job or money or happiness is because of their ex.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Try this: whenever you feel angry with your ex (and believe me, it\u2019s been 18 years and I still have days when I want to yell and scream at mine) but try to take a deep breath, and think to yourself, \u201cWhat do I have control over?\u201d and then shift your plan to that, instead of stewing about what a dick your ex-husband is. For example, let\u2019s say your ex said something really inappropriate to the kids\u2014like \u201cSo and So (his new girlfriend) is a better mother than your mom.\u201d I get it. That would piss someone off like crazy. But, after you have your time to be angry about it, maybe send your ex a text (wait at least a day) saying \u201cI don\u2019t appreciate what you said. It\u2019s not healthy for our daughter to hear things like that.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n But here\u2019s the key. If you engage, be prepared for your ex to spew insults back at you and to deny it. The key is, don\u2019t answer the text. Just leave it be. Don\u2019t even answer his first response. This way, you got it off your chest and you can forget about it. He\u2019s the one who will be infuriated because he will know deep down he shouldn\u2019t have said it, but will blame you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n When I was first getting divorced,<\/a> my ex started dating my neighbor, 3 houses down. The two of them went all over town parading themselves as the newest, blended, most well-adjusted family. I was so angry I couldn\u2019t even breathe. I was angry at him, but I was angrier with her. She pretended to be my friend and then stopped talking to me and was really mean to me before I even found out! So, I had to wonder what I did wrong until I found out she was mad at me because SHE was dating my ex-husband!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I was so upset that I told everyone in the community how I felt. Whoever would listen, I vented to, and it was a huge mistake because I know I seemed unstable, even borderline psycho. They ended up breaking up 6 months later and you know what everyone will remember? Not that they dated, but how I acted.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you act with grace through everything, it will set the tone for how everyone views you. Don\u2019t you want to be seen as someone with grace and class? If so, tell your therapist, family and close friends about things, and don\u2019t share it with everyone in your town.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n No one wants to be a single parent, right? I mean, we don\u2019t set out to have kids and say \u201cWow, I can\u2019t wait to get divorced and be a single parent.\u201d But, once you are a single parent for awhile, it\u2019s the best, most empowering feeling you can ever have.<\/p>\n Someone on the Divorced Girl Smiling Facebook Group quoted Eat, Pray, Love:<\/p>\n \u201cThe women whom I love and admire for their strength and grace did not get that way because shit worked out. They got that way because shit went wrong and they handled it. They handled it in a thousand different ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it. Those women are my superheroes.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n The words, \u201cHandled it\u201d have special meaning to me because my beloved father used them often. If I would call him and complain about a problem (which I did often) his response would be \u201chandle it.\u201d He wasn\u2019t saying that in a mean way, he was saying it to help me feel empowered and confident.<\/p>\n \u201cHandling it: simply means take one day at a time and handle what needs to be handled right now. Your divorce is going to take time. It doesn\u2019t happen overnight, and problems are going to come up on what seems like a daily or weekly basis\u2013your ex pulls something in court, he already has a girlfriend who you didn\u2019t know about, you found out from someone in your neighborhood that he cheated, you realize you haveto put your house on the market. These things are things that don\u2019t have to happen right this second.<\/p>\n Just handle problems as best you can and prioritize what needs to be done. And in the meantime, just be the best best parent you can possibly be, and always make decisions with your kids\u2019 best interest at heart. The dishwasher breaks? Call a repairman or get a new one. Your kid\u2019s teacher calls and tells you he\/she\u2019s been acting out in class?\u00a0Find your child a therapist.\u00a0<\/a>Your ex has a girlfriend? Sob and punch your pillow in private after your kids go to bed. That is handling it.<\/p>\n The big things are complicated. I have dealt with cancer and it\u2019s really really scary. But, I handled it and now it\u2019s good!<\/p>\n When you handle your problems, you will feel so great about yourself, so empowered, so confident and very proud of yourself. It\u2019s calming to realize how capable and strong you are.<\/p>\n Try to remember that if you think other people\u2013even married moms have it easy, you are wrong. Everyone has problems and everyone has to handle them.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n2. I learned that I needed support, both professionally and emotionally.<\/strong><\/h2>\n
<\/a><\/p>\n3. I learned how to shift anger, feeling sorry for myself and victimhood into gratitude. <\/strong><\/h2>\n
<\/a><\/p>\n4. I learned the importance of Grace.<\/strong><\/h2>\n
5. I learned the benefits of being a single parent.<\/strong><\/h2>\n