{"id":255808,"date":"2025-05-18T09:24:16","date_gmt":"2025-05-18T09:24:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/?p=255808"},"modified":"2025-05-18T09:24:16","modified_gmt":"2025-05-18T09:24:16","slug":"im-an-adult-child-of-divorce-and-were-not-talked-about-enough","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/im-an-adult-child-of-divorce-and-were-not-talked-about-enough\/","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019m an adult child of divorce \u2013 and we\u2019re not talked about enough"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<div id=\"main\">\n<div class=\"hydrate-root sc-10wlkbs-0\" data-component=\"Newsletter\" data-loading=\"lazy\" data-theme-name=\"base\">\n<aside class=\"sc-y4bm30-0 dyOTMk newsletter-component sc-1ge0fwe-0\" data-newsletter-key=\"receiveindylifestyle\">\n<div class=\"sc-y4bm30-2 eSMJoa\"><\/div>\n<div class=\"sc-y4bm30-1 ctojrZ\">\n<div class=\"sc-y4bm30-3\">\n<div class=\"sc-y4bm30-4 hQdxjk\">\n<p><span class=\"big-letter\">T<\/span>he day my parents officially <a title=\"The nine most common reasons couples get divorced\" href=\"https:\/\/www.independent.co.uk\/life-style\/love-sex\/the-nine-most-common-reasons-couples-get-divorce-a6875356.html\">announced they were divorcing<\/a>, I was newly 30. It was, if I\u2019m completely honest, a relief. They had already been separated for about two years by this point, a long, acrimonious process that grew even more caustic after my mother moved out of our family home. Before the ink dried on their divorce papers, I cried.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/aside>\n<\/div>\n<p>Things were different for Ellie Coverdale, whose parents\u2019 divorce shook her world when she turned 23. Now 36, Coverdale can still recall the precise moment she was told. \u201cIt was over a video call,\u201d she says. \u201cI was in my flat, I was working late. It felt surreal, like the ground shifted under me. I remember I was completely quiet, I didn\u2019t know what to say. It took some time to accept it as a fact.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Our experiences may differ, but the thing we have in common is that we were both fully fledged adults when our parents split up. It\u2019s <a title=\"How to explain divorce to children \u2013 by age group\" href=\"https:\/\/www.independent.co.uk\/life-style\/health-and-families\/divorce-teenagers-children-harley-street-mind-b2657166.html\">an aspect of divorce that is often overlooked<\/a> \u2013 after all, adult children will have already flown the nest, may be settling down into their own relationships and careers, and may even have children of their own. But there is a growing number of us due to the increase in \u201csilver splitters\u201d, a term coined to describe couples divorcing in later life.<\/p>\n<p>Figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) show that divorces among people aged 65 and over have been steadily increasing for the past two decades. In 2021, one in four divorces took place after the age of 50. Some of the reasons behind \u201csilver splits\u201d are cause for celebration. For example, it\u2019s undoubtedly a positive development that more women are becoming financially independent enough to leave an unhappy marriage \u2013 a far cry from the days when women had little choice but to stick things out in misery. Divorce has also become much more of a societal norm and, with <a title=\"\u2018There will no longer be needless acrimony\u2019: The seismic impact of no-fault divorce\" href=\"https:\/\/www.independent.co.uk\/life-style\/love-sex\/no-fault-divorce-law-marriage-2022-b2050479.html\">the introduction of no-fault divorce in the UK<\/a> in 2022, the path to less contentious separations has also been made clear.<\/p>\n<p>But while there are plenty of resources for families of young children and teenagers navigating the choppy waters of divorce, adult children are usually left to their own devices. \u201cThere is an expectation that adult children will just get over it if their parents get divorced,\u201d says Kate Daly, a specialist in all things divorce. \u201cBut it\u2019s just not true \u2013 the impact on adult children is just as big as it would\u2019ve been had they been kids when their parents made this decision.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Daly, who co-founded separation service Amicable, explains that some things stay the same no matter how old children are when their parents split, such as how to navigate birthdays, holidays, weddings and other life events after the fact. Parents with younger children also feel more of a need to shelter them from the more contentious aspects of divorce, whereas those with adult children feel like they should be able to handle the darker side of things.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>How a divorce is handled is what damages children, not the divorce itself<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Mandy Saligari, therapist<\/p>\n<p>The emotional aftermath of my parents\u2019 divorce left me reeling. One moment I was re-evaluating every relationship I\u2019d ever had, wondering if my own marriage was doomed. The next moment I was trying to push my feelings aside to focus on my work and setting goals for my future. My younger sister found the news especially difficult. I imagined myself as her buoy, keeping her afloat among the crashing waves of turmoil. The storm went on, and on, and on. It is only now, nearly three years later, that I feel like I\u2019m on the other side of it, and I can\u2019t help but wonder how other adult children cope with it.<\/p>\n<p>Coverdale says her parents\u2019 divorce brought up a lot of questions about her childhood, despite sensing \u201cconstant tension\u201d between them as she was growing up. \u201cThey weren\u2019t openly unhappy,\u201d she says, but recalls \u201clots of silence, small arguments, misunderstandings \u2013 like if they were not on the same page. It felt like they were more like roommates than a couple.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe hear from a lot of people who question their entire childhood when their parents announce a divorce,\u201d Daly says. \u201cSome even start to question their own relationships, because they\u2019re not sure what a happy relationship looks like anymore. If there are grandchildren involved, more questions arise: how do you tell them that Grandpa and Grandma aren\u2019t living together anymore? What about inviting them to birthday parties and Christmas if they don\u2019t want to see each other? Are they getting enough time with the children individually? Is it fair?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>My childhood until the age of 10 was, for the most part, a happy one. But after that, the cracks in my parents\u2019 marriage began to reveal themselves. They tried to plaster them over with religion, becoming active members of a local evangelical church, but the cracks grew into chasms that not even a divine miracle could heal. But instead of conceding that the relationship was over, my parents stubbornly stayed together, believing that it would be better for me and my siblings if they held out.<\/p>\n<p>The idea of \u201cstaying together for the kids\u201d has long been the source of unhappy, yet enduring marriages. But therapist Mandy Saligari says this approach can cause more harm than good. The unspoken agreement here is this: if parents are to sacrifice their happiness so their kids have a good childhood, their children had better be worth it \u2013 which is a wholly unfair position to put them in.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cStaying together for the benefit of the children means that parents put their happiness on hold because they \u2018want their children to be happy\u2019, which is a tremendous pressure to place on your children if you\u2019re not modelling that behaviour yourself,\u201d she explains.<\/p>\n<p>One of the reasons some parents stay together when they don\u2019t want to is the belief that the traditional nuclear family unit is their best chance at \u2013 to put it bluntly \u2013 not messing up their children. But Saligari says that children pick up way more than most parents think they do, even learning attachment styles between the ages of nought to six that will go on to shape their own future relationships.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf Mum and Dad are pretending to be happy through gritted teeth and they go, \u2018No, nothing to see here\u2019, their child is taught to distrust their instincts because they feel something is wrong but are told everything\u2019s fine,\u201d explains Saligari. \u201cThis means that when they go on to form relationships, they\u2019re likely to have an anxious attachment or anxious-avoidant style because they will not trust their gut instinct. \u2018I like this bloke, we seem to be happy \u2013 but are we?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Thankfully, modern developments in the divorce process, as well as more access to support for families, means that parents have less reason to stay in a relationship for the sake of the kids. My parents, and other silver splitters, were part of a generation that saw divorce as a great failure and felt pressure to make things work even when they were desperately unhappy. At the end of the day, everyone suffered. I can\u2019t help but look at friends whose parents split up when they were between the ages of 13 and 15, and wishing mine had done the same. While there is no \u201cgood\u201d time for parents to divorce, there are ways to ensure it does the least amount of harm possible to all involved, says Saligari.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow a divorce is handled is what damages children, not the divorce itself,\u201d she explains. \u201cSo if parents get involved in blame and ask children to take sides, that\u2019s when the divorce becomes toxic. If your children are genuinely your priority, then put your ego aside and listen to one another, and try, as adults, to come to some kind of decision. Either work through whatever\u2019s going on, with or without help, or come to a peaceful decision that the relationship is over.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cChildren, no matter how old they are, just need clarity. They need to know that Mum and Dad are as happy as can be, given that \u2018happy\u2019 is a relative term. Then they\u2019re able to take that responsibility for themselves and make up their own mind about their parents.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I often wonder what my life would have looked like had my parents called it quits when I was younger. I\u2019m not alone, either.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSometimes I wish they had done it earlier,\u201d Coverdale tells me, with a sigh. \u201cMaybe we all could have been happier sooner.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.independent.co.uk\/life-style\/adult-children-divorce-parents-b2749328.html\">Source link <\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/contact-us\/\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-14\" src=\"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/footer-300x100.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/footer-300x100.png 300w, https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/footer-150x50.png 150w, https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/footer.png 600w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><center><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.google.com\/maps\/d\/u\/1\/embed?mid=1w4tN9mf5kVdBXUXTq2KvwE23NmpUzEna\" width=\"640\" height=\"480\"><\/iframe><\/center>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><center><iframe loading=\"lazy\" style=\"border: 0px #ffffff none;\" src=\"https:\/\/calendar.google.com\/calendar\/embed?src=sc635csnrm8h9s9lq0cad6vkss@group.calendar.google.com\" name=\"myiFrame\" width=\"600px\" height=\"3px\" frameborder=\"1\" marginwidth=\"0px\" marginheight=\"0px\" scrolling=\"no\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/center>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<div>\n<div><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.dominiclevent.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/06\/Business_Solicitors_London.jpg\" width=\"600\" \/><\/div>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<div>Dominic Levent Solicitors<\/div>\n<div>Email: Enquiries@dominiclevent.com<\/div>\n<div>Phone: 020 8347 6640<\/div>\n<div>Url: https:\/\/www.dominiclevent.com<\/div>\n<div style=\"display: none;\">cash, check, credit card, invoice<\/div>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>\n<div>1345 High Rd<\/div>\n<div>London, London N20 9HR<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The day my parents officially announced they were divorcing, I was newly 30. It was, if I\u2019m completely honest, a relief. They had already been separated for about two years by this point, a long, acrimonious process that grew even more caustic after my mother moved out of our family home. Before the ink dried &hellip; <\/p>\n<p class=\"link-more\"><a href=\"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/im-an-adult-child-of-divorce-and-were-not-talked-about-enough\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\"> &#8220;I\u2019m an adult child of divorce \u2013 and we\u2019re not talked about enough&#8221;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-255808","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news1","entry"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>I\u2019m an adult child of divorce \u2013 and we\u2019re not talked about enough - Dominic Levent Solicitors Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/im-an-adult-child-of-divorce-and-were-not-talked-about-enough\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"I\u2019m an adult child of divorce \u2013 and we\u2019re not talked about enough - Dominic Levent Solicitors Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The day my parents officially announced they were divorcing, I was newly 30. 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