Ending a marriage is a dramatic, emotional process, but when children are involved, the whole ordeal gains astronomic proportions. Although the fact might seem obvious, it can\u2019t be stressed enough \u2013 the way your kids cope with it is going to be a reflection of the way you break the news to them and communicate through the rest of the process.<\/p>\n
Yes, it\u2019s extremely difficult, because you need to be on your best parenting at a time when you\u2019re extremely stressed and trying to cope on your own as well. But, with a little guidance and preparation you can ensure you\u2019re doing your best and helping your children understand the coming changes in a healthy way.<\/p>\n
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Here is some crucial advice to follow when talking to your children about the divorce.<\/p>\n
No false alarms<\/span><\/h4>\n<\/p>\n<\/center><\/p>\n
First and foremost \u2013 don\u2019t use the word \u201cdivorce\u201d unless both you and your spouse are 100% sure it\u2019s happening. If you\u2019re still trying to work things out or separating until you decide on the next step<\/a>, explain to them what\u2019s happening without mentioning divorce. Telling them that you\u2019re only thinking of it will confuse and scare them.<\/p>\nEstablish the rules beforehand<\/span><\/h4>\nNo matter how bad the relationship between you and your spouse might be, this is where you have to come together and agree on what exactly you will tell the children. When breaking the news, it\u2019s best to do it together so that you can both answer their questions. That also indicates to them that you\u2019re still working as a team when it comes to parenting.<\/p>\n
But if this is not possible and you\u2019d rather avoid each other, it\u2019s important that you tell the same things to your children when talking to them separately. So, agree on what you will be saying and when, as well as some basic ground rules \u2013 no blaming each other, no pressuring the children to choose sides, etc. Being consistent, dignified and fair is crucial to helping your children deal with the process, so stick to the established rules \u2013 for the children\u2019s sake.<\/p>\n
Follow the general guidelines<\/span><\/h4>\nThe basic rules when talking to children about divorce are clear and long-standing:<\/p>\n
-Stress that it was a mutual agreement between adults and in no way the child\u2019s fault.<\/p>\n
-Tell them that you both love them very much and that, although relationships among spouses may change, the bond between parents and children always stays the same.<\/p>\n
-Explain to them that they will be taken care of the same as before.<\/p>\n
\u2013Never, ever disparage the other parent<\/a>.<\/p>\nHowever, children react differently according to their age and character, so it\u2019s important you take these circumstances into consideration.<\/p>\n
Choose your approach accordingly<\/span><\/h4>\nFor younger children, it\u2019s better to keep things general and not attempt to explain complex situations, because that will only create a whirlwind of confusion. Younger children are more willing to accept that their parents simply can\u2019t get along and that they\u2019re separating so that there would be no fighting in the house.<\/p>\n
Older children, however, will feel disrespected and untrusted if they\u2019re just given simple reassurances.<\/p>\n
Be sensitive to their needs and concerns. Encourage them to ask questions, but always stick to the rules you\u2019ve established with your spouse beforehand. Honesty is important, but you might want to save some specifics (such as infidelity) for much later, when your child matures.<\/p>\n
In the end, no matter what you\u2019re saying, children want to be assured they will be taken care of, both physically and emotionally. Especially when it comes to older children, who\u2019re more observant and comprehensive of your behavior, these assurances come not only through words but through your actions and the way you behave when communicating with them. Be open, supportive, understanding, but above all, make sure you convey to your children that you\u2019re a responsible adult who makes responsible decisions.<\/p>\n
Keep them out of on-going conflicts <\/span><\/h4>\nYou can\u2019t present divorce like it\u2019s a family picnic, but you can maintain a positive attitude. Don\u2019t drag your children into issues that divorce brings \u2013 namely, the legalities such as custody and court proceedings. Consult certified family lawyers<\/a> to get a clear understanding of the law and decide on your course of action before talking to them about custody.<\/p>\nIt\u2019s a difficult topic for everyone involved, and that\u2019s why it\u2019s important to have a strong, logical foundation for your decisions when you speak with them. Objectivity is hard to maintain in these situations, so professional help and counseling is necessary to ensure you\u2019re doing \u2013 and saying \u2013 what is best for your kids.<\/p>\n
Maintain open communication<\/span><\/h4>\nIt will take a while for your children to process what\u2019s going on, and various feelings will build up<\/a>. They\u2019re not likely to bring them up on their own, so it\u2019s your responsibility to encourage them to talk about their feelings, but in a non-intrusive way.<\/p>\nAsk them if they\u2019re sad, and tell them it\u2019s okay to be that way. Let them know that you\u2019re there to talk whenever they want, and that it\u2019s normal they might experience all kinds of conflicting feelings about the divorce. Don\u2019t be surprised, because your child might actually feel relieved there will be less tension in the house.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s important to talk about this as well, and ensure they feel no guilt whatsoever.<\/p>\n
One of the biggest issues all divorcing parents have is maintaining an aura of emotional strength during the process.<\/p>\n
People tend to either overdo it, pretending to be abnormally strong and hiding their feelings, or they end up leaning on their children for support. Both are equally dangerous. It\u2019s okay to let your children know you\u2019re sad because of the divorce and to talk about it, since this is a feeling you probably share and can cope with together.<\/p>\n
But don\u2019t turn to your children to comfort you \u2013 you\u2019re there to comfort them, not the other way around. Find a support system or a therapist to help you get through the process. It\u2019s only expected that you will feel overwhelmed, so don\u2019t hesitate to ask for help when you need it. Take care of your emotional health so that you can be there for your children at this time when they need you the most.<\/p>\n
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<\/center><\/p>\n
First and foremost \u2013 don\u2019t use the word \u201cdivorce\u201d unless both you and your spouse are 100% sure it\u2019s happening. If you\u2019re still trying to work things out or separating until you decide on the next step<\/a>, explain to them what\u2019s happening without mentioning divorce. Telling them that you\u2019re only thinking of it will confuse and scare them.<\/p>\n No matter how bad the relationship between you and your spouse might be, this is where you have to come together and agree on what exactly you will tell the children. When breaking the news, it\u2019s best to do it together so that you can both answer their questions. That also indicates to them that you\u2019re still working as a team when it comes to parenting.<\/p>\n But if this is not possible and you\u2019d rather avoid each other, it\u2019s important that you tell the same things to your children when talking to them separately. So, agree on what you will be saying and when, as well as some basic ground rules \u2013 no blaming each other, no pressuring the children to choose sides, etc. Being consistent, dignified and fair is crucial to helping your children deal with the process, so stick to the established rules \u2013 for the children\u2019s sake.<\/p>\n The basic rules when talking to children about divorce are clear and long-standing:<\/p>\n -Stress that it was a mutual agreement between adults and in no way the child\u2019s fault.<\/p>\n -Tell them that you both love them very much and that, although relationships among spouses may change, the bond between parents and children always stays the same.<\/p>\n -Explain to them that they will be taken care of the same as before.<\/p>\n \u2013Never, ever disparage the other parent<\/a>.<\/p>\n However, children react differently according to their age and character, so it\u2019s important you take these circumstances into consideration.<\/p>\n For younger children, it\u2019s better to keep things general and not attempt to explain complex situations, because that will only create a whirlwind of confusion. Younger children are more willing to accept that their parents simply can\u2019t get along and that they\u2019re separating so that there would be no fighting in the house.<\/p>\n Older children, however, will feel disrespected and untrusted if they\u2019re just given simple reassurances.<\/p>\n Be sensitive to their needs and concerns. Encourage them to ask questions, but always stick to the rules you\u2019ve established with your spouse beforehand. Honesty is important, but you might want to save some specifics (such as infidelity) for much later, when your child matures.<\/p>\n In the end, no matter what you\u2019re saying, children want to be assured they will be taken care of, both physically and emotionally. Especially when it comes to older children, who\u2019re more observant and comprehensive of your behavior, these assurances come not only through words but through your actions and the way you behave when communicating with them. Be open, supportive, understanding, but above all, make sure you convey to your children that you\u2019re a responsible adult who makes responsible decisions.<\/p>\n You can\u2019t present divorce like it\u2019s a family picnic, but you can maintain a positive attitude. Don\u2019t drag your children into issues that divorce brings \u2013 namely, the legalities such as custody and court proceedings. Consult certified family lawyers<\/a> to get a clear understanding of the law and decide on your course of action before talking to them about custody.<\/p>\n It\u2019s a difficult topic for everyone involved, and that\u2019s why it\u2019s important to have a strong, logical foundation for your decisions when you speak with them. Objectivity is hard to maintain in these situations, so professional help and counseling is necessary to ensure you\u2019re doing \u2013 and saying \u2013 what is best for your kids.<\/p>\n It will take a while for your children to process what\u2019s going on, and various feelings will build up<\/a>. They\u2019re not likely to bring them up on their own, so it\u2019s your responsibility to encourage them to talk about their feelings, but in a non-intrusive way.<\/p>\n Ask them if they\u2019re sad, and tell them it\u2019s okay to be that way. Let them know that you\u2019re there to talk whenever they want, and that it\u2019s normal they might experience all kinds of conflicting feelings about the divorce. Don\u2019t be surprised, because your child might actually feel relieved there will be less tension in the house.<\/p>\n It\u2019s important to talk about this as well, and ensure they feel no guilt whatsoever.<\/p>\n One of the biggest issues all divorcing parents have is maintaining an aura of emotional strength during the process.<\/p>\n People tend to either overdo it, pretending to be abnormally strong and hiding their feelings, or they end up leaning on their children for support. Both are equally dangerous. It\u2019s okay to let your children know you\u2019re sad because of the divorce and to talk about it, since this is a feeling you probably share and can cope with together.<\/p>\n But don\u2019t turn to your children to comfort you \u2013 you\u2019re there to comfort them, not the other way around. Find a support system or a therapist to help you get through the process. It\u2019s only expected that you will feel overwhelmed, so don\u2019t hesitate to ask for help when you need it. Take care of your emotional health so that you can be there for your children at this time when they need you the most.<\/p>\n Ending a marriage is a dramatic, emotional process, but when children are involved, the whole ordeal gains astronomic proportions. Although the fact might seem obvious, it can\u2019t be stressed enough \u2013 the way your kids cope with it is going to be a reflection of the way you break the news to them and communicate … <\/p>\nEstablish the rules beforehand<\/span><\/h4>\n
Follow the general guidelines<\/span><\/h4>\n
Choose your approach accordingly<\/span><\/h4>\n
Keep them out of on-going conflicts <\/span><\/h4>\n
Maintain open communication<\/span><\/h4>\n
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