No two marriages end the same way. But several of these issues play a big factor in all of them. <\/h2>\n
Apr 24 2018, 7:28 PM<\/p>\n
Share<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n It\u2019s been said that those who cannot\u00a0remember\u00a0the\u00a0past are condemned to repeat it. Considering this in the context of marriage, it\u2019s smart to have an awareness of what causes the unions of the 41 percent of first marriages that end in divorce<\/a> every year (or the 60 percent of second marriages<\/a> or the 73 percent of third). Of course, no two marriages end the same way. But many share some similarities \u2014 breakdowns of communication<\/a>, issues of accountability, endless criticizing \u2014 that cause a once-solid foundation to crack. Don\u2019t take our word for it; take it from Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, a marriage counselor and director of the Baltimore Therapy Center<\/a>, who regularly sees couples in various stages of disarray. Here, Bilek laid out ten common signs that couples could be headed for divorce.<\/p>\n Every couple fights<\/a>. And everyone says things they don\u2019t mean in the heat of the moment. But, when there\u2019s legitimate bile behind the berating, it\u2019s a problem. \u201cContempt is a genuine devaluing and disrespect for the other person,\u201d says Bilek. \u201cRespect is essential in a marriage, and it can still exist even in the face of disagreement or anger. But, when you see your spouse as someone unworthy of your respect, your marriage is likely to go downhill from there.\u201d<\/p>\n Sure, a little constructive criticism can be helpful in just about any aspect of your life. But, it only works with balance. \u201cIf you are criticizing each other more than you\u2019re complimenting each other, you\u2019re headed for trouble,\u201d Bilek says. \u201cIn fact, research shows that you need five positive statements to counteract every negative one in order to keep a relationship on good terms. Constant criticism is a well-worn path to divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n Are you constantly walking around your house with your dukes up? According to Bilek, a natural state of defensiveness around your spouse is a bad sign. \u201cSpouses who are constantly on guard for an attack from each other are in a bad place,\u201d he says. \u201cNaturally the attacks are hard on the marriage; but the defensive responses can be equally harmful. Responding with defensiveness to your spouse makes them feel unheard and unconnected and sets up a cycle of escalation that can ultimately destroy the relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Outright silence is always a bad sign, especially if one partner is genuinely trying to suss out a relationship\u2019s issues. \u201cIf you try to engage your spouse on the issues that are bothering you, and all you get is silence, shutting down, or checking out, your relationship is not in a good place,\u201d adds Bilek. \u201cStonewalling is bad omen. It means that someone has ceased putting effort into fixing things. And if that effort isn\u2019t there, things will only get worse.\u201d<\/p>\n Look, stuff happens. Our bodies get older. We start to lose energy. The excitement of a new relationship starts to wear off. Your sex drives get misaligned<\/a>. It happens. \u201cThere is no doubt that over time couples tend to have sex less frequently,\u201d says Bilek. \u201cBut in a healthy relationship there is still some desire on the part of both spouses to engage in physical intimacy on a regular basis. If the emotional intimacy in your relationship is so low that the physical intimacy<\/a> isn\u2019t even of interest anymore, that\u2019s a bad sign.\u201d<\/p>\n This is where things get murky \u2013 when it\u2019s just you and your thoughts. \u201cIt is normal to find other people attractive and to feel desire for people apart from your spouse,\u201d Bilek admits. \u201cBut when you start imagining yourself in a relationship with other people and considering intimate details of what that would be like, it\u2019s a sign you are shaking off some of the bonds of your marriage, and puts you on a very slippery slope.\u201d<\/p>\n Addictions are relationship killers. In fact, nearly half of relationships end in divorce when at least one partner has an addiction. \u201cWhen getting your substance of choice is more important to you than your spouse, it is only a matter of time before the choices you make push you further and further away from them,\u201d Bilek says. \u201cA person consumed by getting their next drink or their next high will never have the necessary energy to devote to the relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n Fifty-six percent of marriages end in divorce<\/a> when one partner has an \u201cobsessive interest in porn.\u201d Bilek explains: \u201cMany people watch pornography casually or periodically. When it becomes a priority over a spouse, however, the sexual relationship, and therefore the marriage, is severely compromised. Most people aren\u2019t happy playing second fiddle to the computer, and when it\u2019s in this sensitive realm, it can explode a relationship pretty quickly.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s not technically<\/em> cheating<\/a>. Is it? According to Bilek, \u201cEven if your Internet use isn\u2019t turning sexual, engaging in romantic or flirtatious relationships online can be disastrous for a relationship.\u201d He adds: \u00a0\u201cEmotional affairs<\/a> can be as destructive as sexual ones. If you are turning to the internet to meet an emotional need you\u2019re not getting in your marriage, you may be headed for divorce faster than you think.\u201d<\/p>\n According to research done by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a whopping 97 percent of\u00a0couples surveyed said that outside help got their marriages back on track. So, counseling works. But only if a couple actually goes. \u201cWhatever the problem is, if you have been unable to solve it on your own, a professional couples counselor can help enormously,\u201d Bilek says. \u201cThe act of simply going to counseling is an expression of your commitment to each other. And so, when one partner refuses to attend sessions, it\u2019s a sign that they are unwilling to put the requisite effort into the marriage. And, even if the problem is small, you could be facing a serious deterioration of the relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n No two marriages end the same way. But several of these issues play a big factor in all of them. Apr 24 2018, 7:28 PM Share It\u2019s been said that those who cannot\u00a0remember\u00a0the\u00a0past are condemned to repeat it. Considering this in the context of marriage, it\u2019s smart to have an awareness of what causes the … <\/p>\n![](\"https:\/\/images.fatherly.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/headingtowarddivorce_header1.jpg?q=65&w=600\")
<\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\nThey speak to each other with contempt.<\/h2>\n
They always criticize each other.<\/h2>\n
They always feel defensive around each other.<\/h2>\n
One partner refuses to talk.<\/h2>\n
One \u2013 or both \u2013 is not interested in sex anymore.<\/h2>\n
They find themselves thinking about other potential relationships.<\/h2>\n
One has an addiction and isn\u2019t seeking treatment<\/h2>\n
One \u2014 or both \u2014 partner prefers online porn to their spouse<\/h2>\n
They are engaging in online relationships over their spouse.<\/h2>\n
One partner refuses to go to counseling.<\/h2>\n
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