\u00a0<\/p>\n Each week, I get emails from readers going through a divorce. As I read their words, I can feel their pain. Regardless of who initiates it, divorce is painful. If children are involved, it can be exponentially more painful.<\/p>\n Your mind and body are going through the withdrawal of the happy chemicals produced when you\u2019re in love. While you\u2019re fighting the urge to punch the wall<\/a>, your mind is playing tricks on you, wanting those happy hormones to start production again!<\/p>\n You may feel like engaging in things like impromptu shopping trips, sexual promiscuity or binge eating and drinking. These are all false methods of producing those same hormones. You will pass through no less than nine stages of grieving your relationship.<\/p>\n You will experience shock that it\u2019s over; denial that it\u2019s over and you will become desperate to figure out why<\/em> your marriage ended. You will engage in external and internal bargaining which is where you are either saying \u201cI\u2019ll do anything to get him back\u201d or \u201cIf I had done X differently\u201d.<\/p>\n You may suffer a relapse and sleep with him again<\/a>. At some point, you\u2019ll experience a phase of accepting it\u2019s over but then, you might feel angry. Hope is another stage of the grieving process. Early on, you\u2019re hoping things can work out. Later, you will hope you can survive without him.<\/p>\n The truth is things will probably get worse before they get better. That\u2019s how breakups go. You will have good days and bad days. You will plod through stages of grieving your relationship: shock, denial, desperately searching for answers, internal bargaining, external bargaining, acceptance, anger and hope, to name a few.<\/p>\n These stages<\/a> are orchestrated by your mind which is still trying to ramp up happy hormone production. As you recognize and accept these stages, they become easier to get through and soon, you\u2019re genuinely feeling better.<\/p>\n Soon, you will begin to see that the only way through is by letting go of the past and looking forward to the future. At that point, you can work on rebuilding your confidence and shoring up your self-esteem.<\/p>\n Children have a natural tendency to blame themselves when parents divorce. They feel they weren\u2019t good enough or they could have done something differently so their parents would stay together.<\/p>\n Take time to talk to them about the divorce<\/a>. This isn\u2019t your chance to tell them daddy is a terrible guy, even if he is. Don\u2019t ever<\/strong> engage in that conversation with your children. Instead, focus on making sure they know this isn\u2019t their fault.<\/p>\n Let them know how their lives will be different. When will they get to see daddy? How much time will they spend with you and at his house?<\/p>\n Encourage your kids to ask questions. They have tons. Make sure to keep an open line of communication and let them know they can come to you with anything. Remember, they\u2019re scared.<\/p>\n Your mind is an interesting element of your being. There are three main components, which work together like parts of a computer. The conscious mind, the part we\u2019re all aware of, works like a keyboard. Its sole purpose is to input information.<\/p>\n The subconscious mind is sort of like the main storage of your computer. Your unconscious is like that part of the computer everyone thinks they erase but, invariably some hack gets in and finds files still being stored.<\/p>\n If you input things like injuries, memories or self-talk, it\u2019s stored in the subconscious and ultimately, the unconscious mind.<\/p>\n Your subconscious and your conscious mind work together, day-to-day in a back-and-forth way. Inputs are entered and the appropriate output is retrieved from the subconscious.<\/p>\n Particularly prickly things are often stored deep in our unconscious as a protective measure. Recovering memories stored in your unconscious often takes psychological intervention or a trigger like a smell. Someone who was beaten with a leather strap will recall that memory if they smell leather.<\/p>\n When you continuously input \u201cI\u2019m so ugly\u201d or \u201cI am unworthy of a good man\u201d, it\u2019s stored in the subconscious. Now, you look in the mirror (input) and out comes \u201cI\u2019m so ugly\u201d because that\u2019s what you\u2019ve stored.<\/p>\n In order to change the outputs that are triggered, you must alter the inputs. When you stand in front of a mirror, you need to say \u201cI am beautiful.\u201d When you\u2019re looking at guys on a dating site or out with your friends, you need to say \u201cI am worthy of a good man\u201d.<\/p>\n Rome wasn\u2019t built in a day and your stored negative thoughts didn\u2019t get there in a day either. Reprogramming will take time and effort but you can do it. Begin by observing the negative inputs you use. Write them down and then, write their counterpart. \u201cI\u2019m so ugly\u201d becomes \u201cI am beautiful\u201d.<\/p>\n It isn\u2019t a matter of believing these thoughts right now, it\u2019s about getting yourself to believe them by inputting them enough, just like you did the negatives, so that you do believe them soon.<\/p>\n One of the best things you can do for yourself right now, today, is go move your body. It doesn\u2019t matter whether you weigh 100 pounds or 400 pounds. Get up and move. You are experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety right now.<\/p>\n The number one best way to silence that anxiety and squelch that fight or flight chemical rush that comes with it is to exercise. When you exercise, your body produces endorphins, which shoot directly to those anxiety chemicals and neutralize them.<\/p>\n Of course, there are the added health benefits of working out like becoming physically stronger, improving your heart health and a host of others but the biggest benefit to working out is one usually overlooked. It\u2019s a stress-buster!<\/p>\n Once you work your plan today, get up and do it again tomorrow. I know you might be sore so do something else tomorrow. If you walked or ran today, lift some weights or do some tummy crunches. Just. Do. Something.<\/p>\n In order to begin to heal from the breakup, there are a few steps you need to take. I\u2019ll try to keep them short since that whole conscious mind thing was so long!<\/p>\n You need to write a letter to your ex. You will not be sending it.<\/strong> This letter is strictly to help you work through the healing process. It is not for him.<\/p>\n In order for this letter to promote healing, you need to include in this letter what you forgive your ex for<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s take a quick detour into why you need to forgive him because I can hear you groaning and pushing back from here.<\/p>\n Everyone thinks that when you forgive someone, you are saying that what they did was okay. That isn\u2019t what forgiveness is about<\/a>. Forgiveness is not condoning what someone did or forgetting.<\/p>\n Forgiveness is about taking the negativity out of a situation. It\u2019s for you<\/strong>. It sends a message to your mind that you are ready to move past this and begin healing. Most importantly, forgiveness is really you forgiving yourself.<\/p>\n When you forgive someone for hurting you, you are letting go of the anger you\u2019re keeping. This jumpstarts your growth and progress. You also give yourself permission to stop living in the past and begin to live in the present. You also regain your power over the person you\u2019ve held anger against. As long as you maintain anger, they\u2019re living rent-free in your head.<\/p>\n You also release the negativity that was bogging you down, mentally and physically. Finally, forgiveness allows you to recall the positive traits of the other person and you can accept your ex for who he is.<\/p>\n Forgiving doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re ready to launch into a new relationship. It\u2019s just the first step in your healing.<\/p>\n Write your letter and include a statement which begins with, \u201cI forgive\u2026\u201d This statement gives you permission to move forward. You don\u2019t need to forgive him for everything but pick something you can let go of and start there.<\/p>\n Before you write the letter, make sure you\u2019ve written and narrowed down your list of forgivable things to just the important items. Choose one or two you really feel strongly about and include them in your letter.<\/p>\n Your last line should be your line of forgiveness. Write this letter as if the other person is going to read it. Use full sentences. Don\u2019t include bullet points or acronyms and shorthand.<\/p>\n Once the letter is written, set it aside for a few days.<\/p>\n Now that you\u2019ve let the letter sit for a few days, you need to take a couple of final steps. First, read the letter, out loud. Read it slowly and listen to each word. Allow the feelings that come, don\u2019t push them down.<\/p>\n After you have read the letter and collected yourself, it\u2019s time to burn the letter \u2013 safely. As you burn it, say something like \u201cThank you [\u00a0 ] for being a part of my life. I am letting you go with love.\u201d I know it might sound hokey but this is for you, remember? This is part of your healing. It doesn\u2019t matter if you don\u2019t really want to thank him. This isn\u2019t about him, it\u2019s about you.<\/p>\n Once the letter is burned, your final step in letting go is to physically walk away. Dispose of the remains of the letter, safely, and walk away. This is symbolic of you walking away from your grief and pain.<\/p>\n This is a question I wish I got more often. Instead, many men and women launch into new relationships way too soon<\/a> after a divorce or breakup.<\/p>\n The truth is that it\u2019s good for you to remain single for a while. When you\u2019re in a relationship, you change. Your values are different. You may do things your partner likes, even though you don\u2019t really like those things. Your world is centered on being part of a pair.<\/p>\n Take advantage of this time and get to know yourself again. Work through those negative thoughts and get them turned around. Assess your financial situation and make any necessary course corrections. Begin to determine what your beliefs and values are, just you.<\/p>\n If you have children, it\u2019s important to let them settle into a new routine before you introduce a new man. Let them get accustomed to the idea of mom and dad living apart first. Trust me, if Mr. Right is out there for you, he will still be waiting, and more receptive to you, if you take time now to recalibrate.<\/p>\n You will know you\u2019re ready to date again when you have established boundaries, uncovered your beliefs and values and have completely moved past the urge to punch your ex in the throat. Even if he\u2019s still being a jerk, if you\u2019ve boosted your confidence and initiated positive self-talk, you\u2019ll be able to write off his bad behavior and move on.<\/p>\n When you are ready to date again, go slowly. Don\u2019t look at every first date as a step toward the altar. Just have fun with it. Don\u2019t apply the pressure of \u201cwill he want to marry me?\u201d Men date first for fun before they look at whether or not they want to settle down. You should do the same.<\/p>\n Date multiple men and date at least one type of guy you thought you\u2019d never want to date. If you\u2019re conservative, date the motorcycle dude. If you\u2019re a wild and crazy type, date a lawyer or accountant. You might be surprised. Again, you\u2019re not looking at him as your next husband. You\u2019re exploring and having fun!<\/p>\n The great news is that, in the middle of having fun, you\u2019ll find Mr. Right #2! A new and improved model over the first!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The truth is things will probably get worse before they get better. That\u2019s how divorce goes. \u00a0 Each week, I get emails from readers going through a divorce. As I read their words, I can feel their pain. Regardless of who initiates it, divorce is painful. If children are involved, it can be exponentially more … <\/p>\n![\"survive](\"https:\/\/divorcedmoms.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/06\/Black-Woman-Worried.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nThe truth is things will probably get worse before they get better. That\u2019s how divorce goes.<\/em><\/h2>\n
While you\u2019re muddling through this rollercoaster of emotions and fighting (or caving into) those urges, there are a few things I can share to help you through.<\/h2>\n
Take Solace In The Fact That Things Will Get Better<\/h2>\n
Talk To Your Kids About It<\/h2>\n
Understand How Your Mind Works<\/h2>\n
Develop A Workout Plan! (And Stick To It!)<\/h2>\n
Begin The Healing Process<\/h2>\n
A. Write Him A Letter<\/h3>\n
B. Practice Forgiveness<\/h3>\n
How Do I Know When I\u2019m Ready To Date Again?<\/h2>\n
More For You<\/em><\/h3>\n<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
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