I roll into my pitch. Not that I\u2019m trying to sell anything. I\u2019ve just found the more succinctly I state it, the easier it is for others to digest (hand gestures help).<\/p>\n
Continue reading the main story<\/a>\n<\/div>\n \u201cOur living arrangement\u2019s kind of unusual. The boys stay in the house [hands together in front of me, fingertips touching like I\u2019m holding a big snowball<\/em>] and their dad and I have separate apartments [right hand out to the side; then left hand<\/em>]. We move in and out every week [right hand in; then move left hand in, while moving right out<\/em>] to take care of them,\u201d [hands<\/em> back in front holding the precious snowball<\/em>].<\/p>\n I stop flopping my hands around and wait for a reaction. The shocked silence and confused expression, I\u2019m used to. Her eyes welling up with tears? That\u2019s new.<\/p>\n What I\u2019m describing is called \u201cbird nesting\u201d or \u201cnesting.\u201d It\u2019s based on the idea of the kids being like baby birds and the mother and father birds flying in and out of the nest to take care of them. This means, in non-ornithological terms, that after a divorce the kids continue to stay in the family home while the parents take turns moving in and out.<\/p>\n Continue reading the main story<\/a>\n<\/div>\n In our case, my ex and I each have our own apartments where we live when we\u2019re not in the house with the boys. We switch into the house on Wednesday mornings and Saturday evenings. The boys and all their stuff \u2014 clothing, homework, sports gear, musical instruments, and piles of beloved childhood detritus in their rooms \u2014 stay put.<\/p>\n Continue reading the main story<\/a>\n<\/div>\n I read about the idea in Laura Wasser\u2019s great book, \u201cIt Doesn\u2019t Have to Be That Way: How to Divorce Without Destroying Your Family or Bankrupting Yourself.\u201d Nesting struck a chord with the boys\u2019 dad and me. We hoped keeping the routine of daily life as consistent as possible would give continuity as we figured out what divorce would mean for our family. Of course, changes were going to come. We hoped if their day-to-day life didn\u2019t feel that much different, it could temper the fear and uncertainty.<\/p>\n Continue reading the main story<\/a>\n<\/div>\n When we sat them down to tell them we were getting a divorce \u2013 they were 12, 9, and 5 at the time \u2014 the very next thing we said was: But nothing\u2019s changing for you. You will keep living right here.<\/p>\n We presented it with familiar scenarios: It\u2019s like when Dad goes on a business trip for a few days and Mom takes care of you. Or when Mom goes to see her friends and Dad\u2019s in charge.<\/p>\n When we were divorcing nesting was almost unheard-of, at least in our part of the country. Anita M. Ventrelli, former chairwoman of the American Bar Association\u2019s family law section, said she recalled the concept surfacing about 10 years ago, but she did not think anyone was keeping track of how common it is.<\/p>\n \u201cNesting isn\u2019t really something that\u2019s in the divorce statutes,\u201d she noted. \u201cIt\u2019s a solution that creative lawyers and parents have developed to address concerns about moving kids. It\u2019s often agreed to outside of court \u2014 a creature of settlements, not something that judges would likely order.\u201d<\/p>\n Continue reading the main story<\/a>\n<\/div>\n Describing it to our lawyers, therapists and financial adviser took some explaining and forced us to answer some tough questions. Telling family, friends and the boys\u2019 teachers, required clarifying and repeating (hence the elevator-pitch-with-hand-gestures).<\/p>\n
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