{"id":51825,"date":"2018-10-20T08:44:59","date_gmt":"2018-10-20T08:44:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/?p=51825"},"modified":"2019-04-17T17:10:39","modified_gmt":"2019-04-17T17:10:39","slug":"4-reasons-why-people-cant-see-divorce-coming-until-its-too-late","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dominiclevent.com\/blog\/4-reasons-why-people-cant-see-divorce-coming-until-its-too-late\/","title":{"rendered":"4 Reasons Why People Can\u2019t See Divorce Coming Until It\u2019s Too Late"},"content":{"rendered":"


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It shouldn\u2019t be a surprise.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Divorce can be such an eye-opening reality for so many married couples, but you still hear stories of people who say they were completely shocked when their spouse asked for a separation.<\/p>\n

When you\u2019re looking from the outside in, it can be hard to wrap your head around this. How did they have NO idea that this was coming? How did they live with the same person day after day, the person they married, and still have no indication that their marriage was about to end?<\/p>\n

Senior VP of YourTango Experts <\/strong>Melanie Gorman<\/strong><\/a> sat down with a panel of professional divorce coaches and asked them, \u201cAre people ever truly surprised that their spouse wants a divorce?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

Experts Cherie Morris<\/a>, Laura Bonarrigo<\/a>, Sonja Stribling,<\/a> and Pegotty Cooper<\/a> debated the question and their ultimate answer was\u2026 NO. (You can watch their wide-ranging discussion in the above video.)<\/p>\n

But, if that\u2019s the case, why are some people so stunned when their partner introduces the topic of divorce? Was their spouse living a secret life? Can you blame their shock entirely on denial?<\/p>\n

In their video debate, YourTango\u2019s divorce Experts broke down these four common reasons why some married people feel totally blindsided when their spouse asks for a divorce. <\/strong><\/p>\n

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1. They don\u2019t process change well<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

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hindustanmedia.in<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

There are people who thrive on routine. They find security in the familiar. And, all too often, those kinds of people can have a huge blindspot when their marriage starts to struggle.<\/p>\n

If pressed, they probably would admit that they knew something wasn\u2019t quite right in their relationship, but they just didn\u2019t know how to process the information OR they just needed a lot more time to process it than their spouse did.<\/p>\n

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However, that doesn\u2019t mean that they\u2019re actually surprised by the breakup. It just took them longer to acknowledge it. The danger is when those slow-processors embrace the role of the \u201cvictim\u201d in the divorce, even when they had just as much warning as anyone else.<\/p>\n

2. They stopped being curious.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Imgur<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

This is one of the most insidious traps of being married \u2014 getting comfortable.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s wonderful when a couple can be open and relaxed around each other, but the word \u201ccomfortable\u201d can also have a very negative connotation when it comes to marriage. It can mean that you\u2019ve gotten so used to behaving in a certain way that you don\u2019t pay attention to your spouse at all.<\/p>\n

When this happens, you\u2019re on emotional auto-pilot. You\u2019re not asking questions. You\u2019re not caring enough to look at your partner and ask, \u201cHow are we doing?\u201d When marriages like this go south, the divorce doesn\u2019t come out of nowhere \u2014 it was there in plain sight the whole time, but no one cared enough to notice.<\/p>\n

We have to remember to stay curious about our partners or else we run the risk of losing them entirely.<\/p>\n

3. They stopped thinking of their spouse as a human being.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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carolelombard.tumblr<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

When you\u2019ve been with the same partner for a long time, it can be surprisingly easy to start thinking of them as a collection of services. She pays half the mortgage, cooks, mows the lawn. He pays the other half of the mortgage, does laundry, and kills spiders on request.<\/p>\n

Everyone has roles to play in successful marriages, but, when you start caring more about the services themselves than the person behind them, it\u2019s a big red flag.<\/p>\n

When we take our spouses for granted, we turn them into objects. We dehumanize them. We have to remember that our partners are living, breathing human beings and, if we\u2019re not paying attention to their needs as humans \u2014 rather than as providers \u2014 we\u2019re not going to see the signs of marital discord until it\u2019s too late.<\/p>\n

4. They saw the signs and did nothing.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Gifs and Things<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

This one happens all the time. How many times have you heard someone talking about their divorce and they said \u201cI knew we had problems, but I didn\u2019t know it was THIS bad\u201d?<\/p>\n

Just look at that statement. They acknowledged that they had problems, obvious problems, but did anyone do anything about them? Did they start a dialogue? Did they go to counseling? Did they seek out help?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s like seeing the \u201cCheck Engine\u201d light on your car, doing nothing, and then acting surprised when your car breaks down a few weeks later. If you\u2019re having problems and you don\u2019t try to fix them, they\u2019re not going to get better. And that shouldn\u2019t be a surprise.<\/p>\n

Divorce shouldn\u2019t be a one-sided life milestone. The decision to end a marriage should be a mutual decision and, most times, both parties are painfully aware of the reasons why their union is coming to an end.<\/p>\n

If one party feels completely taken aback by the idea of divorce, they need to take a hard, honest look at their relationship with their spouse and ask themselves why they missed the warning signs for such a long time.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re struggling with a divorce or feel shocked that your partner wants to try a separation, please visit the websites of our panel members and contact Cherie<\/a>, Laura<\/a>, Sonja<\/a>, and Pegotty<\/a> directly. They\u2019re here to help.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n


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