Going through a divorce is one of life\u2019s most emotionally wrenching events. That\u2019s a statement that\u2019ll come as no surprise to those of us who\u2019ve parted ways with a spouse. But what might surprise you is just how many emotions the experience can pull on, and they\u2019re often the same ones felt during a bereavement according to Linda Lamb, who\u2019s been a solicitor since 1995 and is director of LSL Family Law. But it\u2019s anger that we\u2019re talking to Lamb about below. From how emotionally and financially damaging your rage can be during proceedings, to measures you can take to prevent it from getting in the way of the best possible outcomes for all parties, this is how you can keep your divorce as calm and civil as possible.<\/p>\n
In your experience, what are the most common causes for divorce in 2019?<\/h4>\n
It\u2019s down to an individual\u2019s expectations, so obviously there\u2019s a wide spectrum of reasons. Mostly, it\u2019s not a case of both parties suddenly hating each other. Instead, one will realise that, over the years, they\u2019ve grown apart and have less in common than before. There are so many different factors that can contribute \u2013 anything from marrying too young, to one person in the relationship changing their career and shifting their life goals. Other common causes I\u2019ve found include sexual problems, disagreements on having children, the strain of having disabled children, relocating for work, all forms of domestic abuse, family involvement\u2026 there\u2019s a lot of reasons.<\/p>\n
What\u2019s a common cause now that you wouldn\u2019t have dealt with at the start of your legal career?<\/h4>\n
There\u2019s a big trend for what we\u2019re calling silver splitters. We\u2019re seeing a lot of people retiring, realising that their relationship was strained even with work keeping them apart for most of the week, and that they can\u2019t bear the idea of spending the next 25 years together solidly, every hour of the day. We\u2019re also seeing far more people getting divorces and going into same-sex relationships, too.<\/p>\n
So you\u2019ve just discovered you\u2019re facing divorce. What are your first steps to getting through it calmly?<\/h4>\n
I think it\u2019s worth noting that it\u2019s rare for both parties to be in agreement when it comes to getting a divorce. Usually one has gone through it in their head, so mentally they\u2019re a few steps ahead. The thing people don\u2019t understand about facing separation is that you go through the same mental trauma as a bereavement \u2013 there are stages of sadness, confusion, denial and anger. With that in mind, what\u2019s important is seeking advice from people who aren\u2019t focused on making things worse. That should mean going to a counsellor rather than to friends who are likely to have some level of investment in and bias about your relationship. And, of course, finding the right solicitor.<\/p>\n
So how do you find the right solicitor?<\/h4>\n
Avoid the classic rottweiler who\u2019s going to fire off threatening letters to your ex-partner. That only fans the flames. The situation will balloon out of control and, unfortunately, that\u2019s when children get affected emotionally. Look for a solicitor that recommends dispute resolution \u2013 mediation or collaborative law. These are the least painful options, and also happen to be the least costly. With these, the family pot of money is preserved for the family and not spent on huge legal fees, which can get up into the hundreds of thousands of pounds. The courts should always be seen as the absolute last resort.<\/p>\n
What\u2019s one thing people shouldn\u2019t do at the start of proceedings?<\/h4>\n
It\u2019s hard, but it\u2019s so important to not say negative things about the other party, both verbally but also, obviously, on social media. It comes back to children again. When they hear or see mum slagging off dad, they interpret that as \u201cIf you hate dad, then you must hate 50% of me\u201d. Can you imagine the pain that must cause? If my clients are really angry and have a huge amount of rage directed at their ex-partner, I suggest drafting an email, parking it overnight, looking at it the next day, and not sending it.<\/p>\n
What other tips do you have about keeping things civil during the process?<\/h4>\n
Again, I really recommend seeking counselling for the duration of the process. A counsellor is there to help with emotional support, and to put into context what\u2019s happening. It\u2019s so easy to get stuck in the past during a divorce \u2013 going over and over what went wrong and what could have been different \u2013 and a good counsellor will help you make sense of the situation in order for you to move forward.<\/p>\n
Finally, should you stay in touch with your ex?<\/h4>\n
If you have children, then you will have to. You have to communicate. If you don\u2019t, your kids will divide and rule. Going to parents\u2019 evening together, for example, sends a really positive message and suggests you can agree on things, can be civil, but also are still equally invested in what your children are doing in life. If you don\u2019t have children, then I don\u2019t know what the purpose would be. I was divorced, like, a million years ago. I don\u2019t really keep in touch with my ex-husband. That said, I was very fond of his mother, so I do speak to her, every now and again.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
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