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This post is the fourth in a series about how parents of gray divorce can help their adult children.
1. Honor the parent-adult child relationship.
My client Elizabeth (all names changed) sat across from me on the love seat in my office, looking down at Friede, my yellow Labrador therapy dog, lying next to her. Friede was enjoying Elizabeth gently stroking her velvety soft ears.
Slowly, Elizabeth raised her head. Her eyes found mine, and she began, “I learned two new terms the other day. ‘Gray divorce’ is when couples who are 50 years and older split, and I am an ‘adult child of gray divorce.’” Her gaze returned to Friede’s ears.
We sat in silence for several minutes. I allowed her time to reflect. “It feels like they think of me as their friend, not their daughter. They call me a lot and ask for advice! The other day Mom asked me if we could be dating buddies because she is afraid to date alone! I can’t do that! I’m their daughter! What about me? I’m struggling with their divorce. I don’t know how to handle this.”
Your adult child may need you to say that you understand that you are still the parent and that it is difficult for her to cope with the changes occurring in the family. Reassure your adult child that you know that she is not your friend, confidant, therapist, or surrogate spouse. You and your adult child must have your respective support systems comprised of friends, clergy, professionals, or others. Maintain a firm boundary in the parent-child relationship, even if your adult child doesn’t.
2. Understand that the parent-child relationship is unique. No matter how old your adult child is, you are still his parent, and he is still your child. You may be operating from different viewpoints about your roles. Because your child is an adult, you may consider him your peer, while he may still see you in the parental role. Nevertheless, many adult children think they should help their parents sometimes. Discuss with your adult child the different views you may have of each other’s roles in your relationship.
3. Avoid disparaging the other parent. Another client, Javier, shared, “My dad wants to tell me about things between him and Mom that I don’t want to hear. He told me how unhappy he was for years because she lost interest in sex, she was a spendthrift their entire marriage, and the tactics her divorce lawyer is using now. I love both my parents and don’t want to hear such things. I’m trying to figure out who I am in all of this. I’m feeling a lot of loss and ungrounded.”
Adult children often say they feel caught between their parents when one talks negatively about the other or shares the details about what went awry in their marriage, like their sex life and finances, or the legalities of their divorce process. Avoid discussing these topics with your adult children because it assumes a peer relationship and can cause them to feel unease and additional loss — the loss of you as the parent and their identity formed from their family history. When this occurs, your adult child can become overwhelmed by conflicting feelings and begin to wonder, “Was everything about our family unreal, a fantasy, like a movie set that is just a façade?” He may react with anger toward you or withdraw from you while trying to understand who his family is now and who he is because his view of his family history has radically changed.
4. Avoid creating loyalty issues for your children that can hurt them and you. Elizabeth shared, “Mom keeps talking to me about what a jerk Dad was to her, especially after my brother and I left home. She is so angry at him for leaving the marriage. She wants me to side with her against him. I don’t want to do that. He is my dad! I don’t want to be in the middle of their divorce!”
No matter how upset you are with your spouse, or hate what he has done during your marriage, avoid trying to enroll your adult child to align with you against her other parent. If you have conversations like these with your adult child, you can create loyalty issues for your adult child that exacerbate the loyalty issues adult children naturally feel. It is human nature for adult children to attempt to figure out which parent is more at fault for the divorce and blame that parent while aligning with the other. (Minor children do this, too.) Your adult child is part of both of you. If you attempt to win her to your side, you put her in the uncomfortable position of knowing information about her other parent that is inappropriate for her to know.
5. Avoid role reversals. Adult children often feel guilty and think they should be their parent’s confidants and helpmates. Some report that their parents ask them for dating advice, sex tips, or to be their dating buddies. It may feel good to be close to your adult child in this way and think that your adult child understands you. Nevertheless, avoid asking your adult child for advice about topics more appropriate to discuss with a friend or a professional. Your adult child is not your peer. Resist allowing your adult child to slide into this role reversal, in which she assumes the parent role and you the child role. Seek professional help to assist you, if needed
6. Realize that sometimes adult children have valid concerns about a parent. If you are the higher functioning parent, be aware and acknowledge that the other parent may need more help from your adult children than you do. The parent may be exceptionally distraught, depressed, isolated, or infirm, and your adult children may need to assist this parent. Be accepting of this and avoid feeling jealous about their relationship. If you complain to your adult children that they are spending more time with the other parent than with you, your adult children can feel guilt. When people feel guilty, they often avoid the person who is guilt-tripping them, so you can create a reaction opposite to what you want.
When mom and dad went to war, the only prisoners they took were the children. —Pat Conroy
If bitterness, anger, and hatred describe your divorce, a simple rule to follow is one that adult children often say. “Love me more than you hate my other parent, and don’t put me in the middle. I want to be free to have whatever relationship I want with both of you.”
ⓒ Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT, 2022
