SEPARATION and divorce can be among the most stressful experiences a family can face. From worries about money to logistics about who will live where, it can be a worrying time for everyone involved.
There might be bad feelings and tensions between parents and their families which children can easily pick up on, causing them to feel upset or even blaming themselves for the break-up.
At Childline, it’s an issue our counsellors hear a lot about. In 2024/25 they handled 1,121 counselling sessions across the UK about parental divorce and separation. One 14-year-old girl told counsellors: “Since my parents split up, they have been in constant competition and I get caught in the middle of their arguments. It’s got to the point that I can’t even talk to my mum about dad without her getting mad. Now I’m having to organise who I’ll be spending Christmas with, whatever decision I make I just know it’ll end in tears.”
It’s important to find a way through for the sake of the children. Consider it a time to redefine your family dynamic, establish a new normal and find the balance when sharing information with your children so they don’t become overwhelmed but still understand what’s going on. It’s important to support children and remind them that both parents love them. Consider their age and understanding, and be careful how you speak about your ex-partner as negative comments could lead to confusion and resentment.
Try to keep up your child’s routines around school, mealtimes and bedtimes. Reassure them that it’s okay to be sad, confused or angry and let them know they can talk about their feelings with you. There are resources and advice in the NSPCC’s guide for talking about difficult topics.
When you’ve decided you’re going to separate, it’s important to make a plan for breaking the news to your children. Start the conversation at a time when children feel secure and comfortable, probably at home. Think about whether there are any important dates close to the time you’re planning to speak to them – you don’t want to risk upsetting them on or near their birthday, or them linking a special holiday like Christmas or Eid. Sometimes it’s worth waiting for the best possible time.
Break the news together – it’s important for children to understand that both parents have agreed to separate and have decided together what will happen next. You can reassure your children that you’ll both be there for them. They will probably have lots of questions so try to think ahead and have answers ready. There’s no way of predicting how children will react. They might struggle to say how they’re feeling, they can have a range of feelings.
Some of their emotions may come out in behaviour rather than words. They might withdraw, they might be angry, upset or show signs of grief for their ‘old life’.
* For advice on how to support children through a separation or divorce go to nspcc.org.uk
