Dear Family Beef,

My parents have never had a “happy” marriage. My dad was always the loud, life-of-the-party, at least in public, and my mom is generally more reserved and quieter with him — mostly because it seems like he bullied the life out of her. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember. I don’t have much of a relationship with my father for a lot of reasons – but how he’s treated my mom, my sister and me over the years is a huge part.

He’ll call anyone who disagrees with him names and insult their intelligence. I grew up hearing him call my mom a “dumb bitch” to her face and behind her back. He’s never been physically violent but when they fight he will say really cruel things and then debate, berate and “apologize” his way out of accountability later.

In recent years, my mom has grown so much though. She’s gone to therapy. She’s agreed in separate conversations with my sister that our dad fits the bill of a narcissist. And she told both me and my sister that she wishes she was more assertive when we were growing up, that she wishes she stood up to our dad more and “has some regrets” about how we were raised. She sees friends more and has even joined the community garden and has her own social life that my dad is not involved in at all. I’m so proud of seeing her start to step out into her own life.

So I finally asked her something I’ve wondered for years, if she was ready to just leave him. It felt like years of progress just disappeared in a second, like she shrunk into herself.

She started crying and saying that we don’t understand the person she married or what it’s like to be married for so long and that they have been talking about going to therapy together. This isn’t the first time he’s said he’d go. He never does.

I hate that I’m rooting for my mom’s marriage to end… but I’d hate to see her continue this cycle of him getting in her way for the rest of their lives.

― Son of a Narc

First, it is clear from your write-in how much you love your mom and want to see her thrive. These should be the golden years of her life and the fact that you’re advocating so fiercely for that, even when it essentially means rooting for the demise of your parent’s marriage, shows how much you care for her.

It’s quite a task for you to take on alone, though, so it’s not surprising that you feel so conflicted and heavy about it. It’s also not surprising that your mom is shaken up by your proposal, even if you thought she was ready for it; family systems ― the way a family acts as a unit and influences each other’s well-being, for better or worse ― are not easy to change. (Think how hard it is to enact change in your own life. Now apply that to a whole grown-ass family. Rough.)

It may have been dysfunctional growing up, but it “worked”― at least if the barometer of success we’re using is your parents staying together. For too long, the idea was that being married is something you have to endure, rather than enjoy, and your mother may have subscribed to that. Shaking things up so late in the game is bound to meet some resistance.

There’s so much we could explore with your predicament, from narcissism survival skills to boundary setting and the need to make peace with another person’s decisions ― even when they’re terrible ones.

To help you with what you’re going through, we reached out to the big guns in this space ― aka therapists who specialize in parental narcissism.

From your email, it’s clear that your mother has made some moves to become independent from your dad’s toxicity, but it sounds like she’s not ready for a larger leap. Lauren Maher, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, told us that making a decision to leave a relationship — particularly a trauma-bonded one — is more loaded and challenging than outsiders realize, even adult kids who had a front-row seat to the turmoil.

“Your mom might have intellectual awareness that your dad is a narcissist, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it erases what her heart wants, her hopes for the relationship, or the practical, financial or legal realities of a divorce,” she said.

Not to mention ― as you’re probably well aware from personal experience with your father ― narcissists are masters at manipulation.

As Maher explained, “they make people doubt their own realities and have an uncanny ability to manipulate others right at the moment when others try to set boundaries, ask for change or make a decision to leave.”

Since your suggestion to leave seems to have greatly unsettled your mom, try to get back to a calmer place by acknowledging how much you appreciate her having shared what she has with you, said Ami B. Kaplan, a psychotherapist in private practice in New York and Florida, who specializes in treating adult children of narcissists.

“Tell your mom that you appreciate and respect the progress she’s made so far in establishing her own interests and friends, while reminding her of the various ways in which you’re eager to support her going forward,” she said.

Kaplan said that might mean making yourself available to chat, offering her some rides to and from an event she’s going to solo (especially if she usually goes to things with your dad or he drives), or even offering space in your home for a period of time, should she want it.

If this is the prelude to your mom’s “Eat Pray Love” moment ― feel free to sub in any movie where a woman leaves her husband ― think of yourself as part of the supporting cast, not the director.

You’re well-meaning, but it’s important that the idea of your mom leaving your dad comes from her, not any of her kids, Kaplan said.

“She needs to feel her own agency in being able to make her own decisions and carry through with them, and secondly, anything that comes from her directly is more likely to be something she’s able and prepared to do emotionally,” she explained.

As a child of a narcissist, the best advice for you may be to seek out help for yourself. Witnessing bullying can be a traumatic experience, even when it’s a stranger you see getting bullied, let alone your mom. Find a therapist you can talk to or an online support group for children of high-conflict parents (r/narcissisticparents has over 136,000 members, so clearly you’re not alone), and focus on what you do have control over, said Karyl McBride, a family therapist and author of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.”

“You’ll need support and help addressing your feelings about both parents, but also working on your own development of self,” she said.

McBride said that she’s seen how children with a narcissist parent tend to get caught up in the dysfunctional system where they’re triangulated into their parent’s messiness and aren’t encouraged to develop their own authenticity and who they are, separate from the family of origin.

“While it’s sweet and loving you want to look after your mother, it’s not your job to fix the situation,” she said. “Trying to be the family ‘fixer’ never works and usually backfires on the child.”

Radically accepting something ― in this case, that your mom may very well choose to stay with your dad ― doesn’t mean that you condone it or are OK with it; it just means that you acknowledge and accept what the current reality is, Maher said.

“I’d encourage you to try this basic exercise: Take out a pen and paper, and write out two columns — ‘things I have control over’ and ‘things I have no control over,’” she said. “It seems basic, but sometimes seeing it in black and white makes us able to reflect more clearly.”

So, for instance, you can control your attitude and your own actions, but you cannot control other people’s emotions, values or behaviors, Maher said. Then, set a boundary for yourself about it.

“Remember: Boundaries are about what we will do, not telling other people what to do,” she said.