Nawal Houghton is a non-practising solicitor and accredited mediator who became a divorce coach specialising in high-conflict separations – after going through one herself. She explains how to identify your partner is a narcissist – and how to go about leaving them.

Even though I was a lawyer, I found my high-conflict divorce incredibly difficult. I made a lot of mistakes. I delayed my divorce in terms of financial remedy because I was scared and had no money. I spent a lot on lawyer’s letters then discovered at one financial hearing that there were hidden assets. I endured four years of tricky behaviour, during which I learned so much.

I was working as an in-house lawyer when Covid hit. Being at home meant that I had the opportunity to be on social media more, and I started educating people about narcissistic traits and high-conflict separations.

Stuck at home with their partners, anyone with a secret life or having an affair simply couldn’t get away with it. Any abusive behaviour that might have slipped under the radar was amplified and more apparent. Suddenly there was much more awareness about the concept of narcissism, and more people deciding they wanted to leave relationships – and getting in touch with me –  at which point I started to do this full time. I’ve since worked on thousands of high-conflict divorces. Here are some things I have learned along the way.

Understand narcissistic traits

Do they talk about themselves consistently without asking questions? Is their behaviour hot and cold? Do they have a lack of empathy? One thing to also be extremely wary of is stories about their really difficult ex. Narcissists always like to portray their exes as crazy. They set the scene so that the new person is already wary of the ex and sees the narcissist as a victim.

By the time people come to me they have often researched and identified that they are with a narcissist. I always say that the first red flag is when you start Googling someone’s behaviour. But some of clients only realise after marriage counselling and being told privately by the counsellor that they think their partner is narcissistic.

Only a psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) – but there does not need to be a diagnosis for you to observe and notice what I have come to refer to as narcissistic traits, which can impact a divorce. While I don’t encourage clients to define their partners as narcissists in court, I do encourage them to describe their partner’s behaviour and the consequences.

Clinically identified traits include entitlement; narcissists see themselves as superior and assume they are entitled to things without earning them. They may exaggerate achievements, have a lack of empathy and tend not to take responsibility for their actions. They expect special treatment and the normal rules of relationships and work don’t apply.

Be wary of the abuse-and-reward cycle

Another trait is a strong desire or need for attention, validation and admiration from other people. This is known as “narcissistic supply”. Often, their self-esteem is on the floor and they need external praise to feel good about themselves.

They want a partner who is trauma-bonded, which is a cycle that starts with love-bombing, affection and validation. Then the abuse starts: criticism, guilt-tripping, silent treatment and emotional manipulation. Just as their partner is on the verge of walking away the narcissist is nice again so that they return, which becomes a cycle of abuse and reward.

How to break up with a narcissist

Get your ducks in a row: Locate any bank accounts, savings and shares, and find out what your house is worth. Put money to one side for a lawyer and divorce coach: a good support team who can see things objectively.

Write everything down: You need evidence of your experiences. Get a journal and chronicle every incident and exchange and conflict. Making contemporaneous notes will help you to compose your witness statement.

Educate yourself: The more you know about the process, the less bewildering it will be. Start researching so it isn’t overwhelming when a lawyer talks to you about the financial and legal process.

Be a good role model: A lot of people worry about the children in a divorce. But leaving a toxic relationship that is damaging everyone is a positive thing.

Know the tactics they’ll use in a break-up

Ending a relationship with a narcissist is often high-conflict and a huge struggle; which they may thrive on as a way of punishing their soon-to-be ex. They’ll typically defend themselves at all costs, rationalise their behaviour, and consider it normal.

It is widely understood by legal professionals that narcissists weaponise children and money more than your typical divorce. For example, they might delay and procrastinate so their partner has to spend lots of money on lawyers and be litigious.

Very often narcissists hide assets, accumulate large debt or spend all their savings. Other tactics include taking a sabbatical or saying they are too ill to work, or switching from employed to self-employed then paying themselves a low income and hiding the dividends. This is often because child payments are assessed by the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) based on income.

Lots of narcissists who know they will be leaving have plotted for years and been hiding money. This is something I have seen many times.

One of my clients gave up her job after having children and so her husband’s name was the only one on the mortgage deed. He had been drawing down on the house for years so that by the time my client left him it was worth nothing. Meanwhile, he was barely working, entertaining other women with cash from the mortgage – and had bought another house for his mistress.

I’ve also seen situations where narcissists have been profiling their partner from the start, and always knew they would be leaving. After the love-bombing phase, they get depressed when the relationship has become more mundane. That is when the abusive behaviour starts: when they’re disheartened that you are not the supply of adoration, validation and affirmation, that they thought you were.

They might falsely claim to have been the primary parent in order to demand shared custody. They might weaponise children by alienating them against their other parent or make allegations of parental alienation against their soon-to-be ex. These are not the actions of people that you expect in your typical divorce. Emotionally and mentally, it is an exhausting process and often people feel like giving up, which is why it is important to have some external support.

Be compassionate to yourself as you move on

If you have identified that you were in an abusive relationship and managed to leave it it is important to understand what it was that drew you to the person in the first place – to avoid repeating the pattern in your next relationship. People drawn to that cycle, and to narcissists, are often people-pleasers who tend to have low self-worth and a fear of abandonment.

When someone is with a gaslighting narcissist, for example, they’ll often doubt their reality and think that they need to somehow improve. They become addicted to their partner’s approval and validation, and stuck in a cycle, seek relief from the person who has caused the trauma and pain by going back to them. They become codependent and feel they can’t survive without them.

If this sounds familiar, it’s worth taking a compassionate approach. These tendencies are often rooted in past relationships and trauma and identifying them can be the first step towards healing, especially if you can access some therapeutic support.

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