Divorce can have some far-reaching and unexpected effects. Here are some surprising insights about divorce that you might not know:

1. Divorce Can Be Liberating (Not Just Devastating)

Although in our culture divorce is often seen as a failure or loss, for many it marks a new beginning or life chapter. It can be an opportunity to rediscover personal goals, develop passions, and cultivate or reclaim independence that may have been lost during the marriage.

2. The Emotional Swings May Last Longer Than You Expected

Even if you made the decision to divorce, or if the decision is mutual, the grief, anger, guilt, anxiety, or relief can linger for months or years. The healing of your emotions rarely syncs with the legal process, and the emotional roller coaster can make the legal process more difficult. It is typical for the recovery to take one to two years after the divorce is finalized. (If you don’t feel better by then, counseling might help.)

3. Your Friends Might Choose Sides

Friendships and social circles can shift dramatically and in unexpected ways. People you once considered close might surprise you by pulling away or aligning with your ex. Often friends assume one person is at fault and are drawn to take sides or demonstrate loyalty. This can be isolating, but it also creates space to form new, supportive connections.

4. Children Can Thrive After Divorce

Contrary to popular belief, children aren’t doomed to suffer long-term negative effects from divorce. Research shows that kids tend to adjust well, especially when parents maintain a cooperative co-parenting relationship. Children don’t thrive in an “intact” family where the parents are often in conflict. Ending the conflict gives your kids the opportunity to have stable, healthy relationships with both parents.

5. Financial Freedom Isn’t Immediate

Even if you’re leaving an unhealthy financial dynamic, post-divorce financial stability can take time. Unexpected costs, legal fees, and lifestyle adjustments often catch people off guard. Most divorces lead to a necessarily reduced lifestyle, often a nonworking spouse must work, and expenses go up when supporting two homes, so it takes time to recover financially.

6. Divorce Can Be a Sign of Growth

Our society often views divorce as a failure, but it can be a sign of growth and self-awareness. Staying in a relationship that no longer serves you or your partner can be more harmful than choosing to part ways. Recognizing that a marriage is toxic and unsalvageable takes courage, and it takes grit to leave, recover, and survive.

7. The Grief Is Complicated

Divorce isn’t just about ending or losing a relationship—it’s also about letting go of shared hopes, dreams, and future plans. This type of grief can be subtle but deeply impactful as you reconstruct your vision for the future.

8. Self-Care Becomes Essential

Divorce is a major life transition and crisis that can drain your emotional, mental, and physical energy. Prioritizing self-care—whether through meditation, therapy, or hobbies—becomes crucial for healing and moving forward. Prioritizing self-care becomes more important than ever.

9. You Can Still Have a Positive Relationship With Your Ex

For some, divorce doesn’t mean cutting ties forever. Particularly when children are involved, many ex-couples successfully co-parent and even maintain a friendship. It may take some time as everyone in the family adapts to the new family structure. But you and your ex are role models of recovery for your children, and establishing a cordial connection with your ex teaches your kids about resilience.

10. You’re Not Alone

While it may feel isolating, divorce is common. In the U.S., there are almost a million divorces each year, and there are countless support groups, online communities, and resources to help navigate the process. Work with professionals who can support you and refer you to community-based supports as well.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2024